The Real Steve Rogers (Part of 'The Return of Pietro Maximoff' series)
by abstract0118
Summary: Steve was a soldier, not expecting to fall in love with anyone or discover who he really was, but could becoming a real team with the Avengers change that? Set after AOU, but starts at Avengers Assemble, and may contain M rated chapters if requested. Part of 'The Return of Pietro Maximoff' series - prior reading not necessary. CaptainHill!
1. Remember

**Hi guys! This first chapter is just a backstory and it will go into dialogue without so much description just bear with me :) I hope you like this. I was really trying to dig deep into Steve's character and think of out of the box ideas. Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

 **I know that this is the longest first chapter in the world, but I really wanted to set the story out properly. Please review! This took me AGES to write and I would appreciate it more than anything!**

 _ **Just to clear things up: Chapters 1 and 2 use italics to show him looking back from the battle in Sokovia. After this, they are used as present day thoughts.**_

People in this time can't seem to understand me. I walk around and they look at me like I'm some sort of creature from another planet, from Asgard or another mysterious realm, that isn't the same to them. Back when I was born, in Brooklyn, I was accepted as a human. I may never have fitted in, but I was accepted as equal race at least. In the 21st century, I feel like an outsider. I'm here to publicise everything that is great about America, ignoring the things that we have done wrong in the world.

I think the world forgets that I've killed people. As much as I would like to erase the screams that I caught before the lives I took were over, I can't. I never can. Even when I sleep, there is no mercy. They echo through my ears like someone has captured me and is torturing me with the terrors of my past. Now matter how many times people say nightmares are normal, I still feel like they aren't. Rarely have I woken up screaming, unless something dreadful has happened that day or the room gets to cold. When I talk about the ice, when I went under, when I really did die, I tell them that I hit my head. I tell them that the force and impact of hitting the ice instantly knocked me out and I was frozen down there until they captured me. I lied.

I was alive when I hit the water, alive when it broke through the ice and alive when it sunk down to the bottom of the sea. As soon as I had thought about the idea, I was set on it. I knew I would never see Peggy again, never dance with her, never have a date with her, never kiss her again. They seemed like little things to other people, but they weren't to me. So when I pushed the lever forward, I knew it was the right thing to do no matter how much my heart broke because of it. The plane broke through the ice, the windows smashing in the process. I didn't try to leave. I could've, but I knew that the current was too fast and I probably wouldn't have made it...so I let the ice consume me. It was freezing, as to be expected, but, in a way, it was more than that. The ice made it's way into my body, freezing up my lungs, my brain and my heart. The chest was the last thing I felt before my eyes shut, letting the cold take over.

When I woke up, I was so lost, confused and really had no idea who to turn to. Peggy being there was a gift. The rest of the Howling Commandos were long since gone and she was the last one left. I was so happy that she was alive and also that she lead a long and happy life, falling in love with someone that was perfect for her. Seeing her like that only made me think more about how I still hadn't found anyone to settle down with even though I was over thirty years old. Some people don't think that that's an old age to be single at, but for me, all that time in the ice, it feels like forever, especially with this new world I was faced with. I felt so behind and was worried that I would continue to feel that way.

They sent me to a cabin in the middle of nowhere for a few weeks when I first woke up, the stunt in New York deeming me unstable to recover in a city in the fear that I would freak out. I was in the place for days, on the internet, trying to figure out how everything worked. They suggested that I have a person with me to teach me, but I didn't want anyone in the beginning, feeling that I needed to be alone. I cried. I hadn't told anyone, because I felt ashamed of it. I cried, for days on end. I was so scared that the world wasn't going to accept me and they didn't. They really didn't. They couldn't understand how I was here. I was their fascination, their prop that could stand up and do tricks to keep them entertained, to give the illusion of hope.

I felt hopeless a lot of the time in reality, worried that the Avengers weren't going to be able to save the people. That we were going to end up destroying everything that had been built. Tony was a big contributor to helping destroy the Earth, but I let it pass most of the time, not being able to find the energy to argue with the playboy who always seemed to have a comeback.

Meeting Sam helped. He was a therapist at the VA and seeing him helped me gain perspective on life, letting me see how the world viewed me. He basically told me to follow my heart and stay true to myself, but he phrased it in an amazing manner, talking about how I should follow my hobbies and be what I want to be, do what I want to do rather than what everyone else wants me to do. I did consider it for a while...until Ultron was created. Everybody congratulated the Avengers, saying how amazing we all were, but the one person who organised us in reality was Maria Hill. I remember the first time I met her back when Loki had invaded Earth.

 _I walked onto the helicarrier, completely awestruck by the magnificence of the architecture. There definitely wasn't this type of building work back in my day. The computers were all being used my people touching the screen rather than using a mouse and I had learned that people usually used that type of format now, using their fingers to press buttons. Keyboards were still used, but a fruit named brand that I couldn't remember the name of had created all of this revolutionary technology that changed the world and spared the new era of touch technology. My research into that had not gone too far as I wasn't particularly interested in it._

 _I walked forward, stepping onto a long platform that led to a window looking out at the sky. I observed the people in their stations all working on the computers. I handed Fury the 10 bucks that I owed him for I was completely surprised._

 _Whilst Banner and Fury were being introduced, I walked forward, not noticing the glare that I was being given by Agent Hill. I continued to walk, people staring up at me, and I suddenly felt a little self-conscious. Wanting to get away from their stares, I walked quickly towards the window, looking out at the clouds in the sky. It was beautiful. Insanely beautiful. I looked down, seeing the busy streets of Manhattan remarkably still from this high up. I smiled subconsciously at the scene and rested my hand on the bar that was in front of my attached to the floor making sure that there was a small space between the bar and the window for fingers to slip into._

 _"Captain Rogers?" I heard a female voice call from behind me and turned around to see a woman who I didn't recognise. The woman wore her hair in a dark black bob and had a classic S.H.I.E.L.D uniform on - I had been updated of the clothes that were available for S.H.I.E.L.D agents. The strict looking woman was standing strong, her hands securely attached to her hips, and it was clear that she would kick anyone's ass in two seconds if they tried to make a move on her. If her stance didn't give away that she didn't want to be approached by anyway, the facial expression that she wore wasn't exactly encouraging._ _She didn't look overly happy to see me._

 _"Yes, ma'am?" I replied, the dialect from the olden days slipping naturally into my language without a second thought. She looked at me funnily for a moment, the stern expression on her face remaining, though I could see the creases in her eyebrows from where she frowned at me._

 _"I need your signature." she said, handing me a pen, clipboard tucked under her arm. I accepted the pen, not even daring to even graze her skin incase she threatened to kill me or even worse actually completed the act. Perhaps she was planning to slaughter me with the very pen I was holding. She seemed like a very efficient person. I put those ridiculous thoughts aside as she handed me the clipboard._

 _"Why am I signing this?" I asked, clicking the pen and waiting for her to give me an explanation to sign the forms. When I looked closer at the title, it actually explained that they were medical forms, saying that if any injury came to you whilst on the helicarrier then it was not S.H.I.E.L.D's fault._

 _"Health and safety procedure form. Most visitors have to fill them out." she replied, adding the extra sentence perhaps to reassure me that many other people had been here before. I placed the nib of the pen on the line and then suddenly realised that I didn't know what to put. I hadn't even practised writing my name since I had arrived home and I wondered whether that was something that I would've lost. My mind suddenly travelled back to when I was writing a letter to Bucky and I suddenly felt a draft coming across my hand, causing a shiver to run through my body. Whenever there was a draft, I would always get the feeling of being in the ice, hopeless and unable to call for help. I felt like my hand was frozen over like it was in the ice and I suddenly felt a little panicked by the thought._

 _"Captain Rogers?" Hill asked and I snapped my head up, not realising that I had been standing at the front of the helicarrier, pen in hand, nib on page, page on clipboard, clipboard in hand, looking like an idiot, because I was finding it hard to sign a signature. I couldn't see her for a second, but soon blinked whatever the substance was in my eye, out of it so that I could see her properly. The once uptight and stern expression had now softened, her face still professional and emotionless, but I could see her eyes soften slightly when she looked at me._

 _I felt something make it's way down my face and lifted my hand up to brush whatever it was off of my face. I pulled my hand back, looking at the liquid that was on it, and I then realised that I had let a tear escape my eye as I thought back to my days trapped in the plane surrounded by cold ice. Forcing myself not to think about it anymore, I wiped my hand on the side of my t-shirt, a small stain showing, and then looked back up at the woman. "Are you alright?" she asked, not sounding genuinely concerned, but asking me in order to continue with the job. It was an 'are you ready to carry on' not an 'are you feeling okay'. I didn't like the over-formal side to her and tried to imagine her in an informal situation, but couldn't envision it in my head._

 _"Fine, thank you, ma'am." I replied, still saying thank you even though she wasn't actually trying to help me. It was fair enough as she did have a job to do and I was getting in her way. I felt like it was my fault for stopping her in the first place. I quickly signed the form and handed it back to her. She responded with a quick nod and went back to her station, not saying another word directly to me afterwards._

 _She didn't seem overly happy that the Avengers were here. Maybe she didn't agree with Fury about the fact that we were being drafted in? I put it to the back of my mind as Coulson walked over, an excited grin on his face, as he showed me to where I would be saying._

 _I was walking down the corridors of the helicarrier, trying to find something to do with myself, when I saw Natasha walking down, heading in my direction. "Romanoff?" I called and she flicker her eyes to look at me, slowing her walking pace as I came to join her._

 _"What can I do for you, Rogers?" she asked. The name seemed familiar on her tongue and it made me wonder about how long or often the organisation had talked about me. The secrets that they kept made me suspicious of everything they did. The people walking around looked at me like an alien and I didn't like the draw of attention, but didn't complain to anyone about it as it would only cause a fuss._

 _"If you don't mind me asking, who is the woman with black hair that works by Fury?" I asked her and she raised an eyebrow. I asked her, because I knew that Romaonff was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and the woman obviously worked with S.H.I.E.L.D, being in the main control room and standing next to Fury._

 _"Face-like thunder? Eyes that could burn holes through your soul?" she asked and I turned my head, disappointed by the language she used to describe the woman, even though I did agree with her in some way or another with the two suggestions she brought up to meet the woman's description. "That is Agent Maria Hill, Fury's right-hand woman and deputy director." she replied as if she had rehearsed it a thousand times. I could understand why she wanted the clipboard back to quickly when I was crying. My insides tensed at the embarrassing memory and I tried to forget about it. "Why, are you interested?" she asked, smile twinging at her lips, and I shook my head furiously._

 _"We've...we've only just met...That would be completely inappropriate." I replied. I felt slightly insulted that Romanoff would believe I would immediately find interest in someone after only just meeting them. Hill didn't seem particularly...friendly._

 _"Don't have a heart attack, Rogers." she told me, placing a hand on my shoulder and patting it. I was never good with woman and I definitely wouldn't immediately fall for someone, not at least without getting to know them first. She struck me as a person that didn't want to get known by anyway. "But if you were, know that she doesn't do relationships. With anyone." she added and walked away briskly, either finding me boring, the topic of Maria Hill boring or too busy with a S.H.I.E.L.D errand to take longer than one minute to talk to me. Personally, I was intrigued to find out how the woman, that I now knew as Maria, had become so closed off to people. Surely she wasn't like that with everyone?_

After that, we only spoke a few more times before the battle, all conversations being professional. I wondered whether Maria had a boyfriend, not because I wanted to 'make a move' on her, but to see whether she had any personal connections. I couldn't imagine her with family or friends or even in a social situation with Romanoff, but maybe she was the polar opposite with those types of people in private. For some reason, I felt interested to see what she would be like outside of the confinements of the secretive agency called S.H.I.E.L.D.

As soon as the battle with Loki was over, I was invited to Stark Tower by Tony and spent a couple of weeks there, deciding what I was going to do with my life. I was so confused, trying to find my place with the people of New York. Working with the Avengers to fight Loki made me form friendships with them, me and Stark not getting on overly well, but I still co-operated with him well. Seeing as they were the only people that I could consider friends, I decided to stay at the tower, working for S.H.I.E.L.D and being part of the Avengers team only when they needed me, Stark directing most of the missions for them.

I had an entire floor to use at the newly built Avenger's Tower. I had quite a few rooms, three of them being guest bedrooms that I knew I would never use. I didn't have many personal items as they were all lost over time or thrown away. I had no relatives left. I had no one and nothing, but the tower itself and the people inside of it. On my floor, I also had a bedroom, a kitchen and a living room, my shield usually being left in the living room. I would've preferred my own training room, but Stark insisted that we should all train in the same place and the training room from the battle wasn't destroyed.

I spent quite a lot of time helping clean up the city, trying not to listen to the occasional abuse being shouted at me. I also made many donations towards the fund set up to help rebuild the city and help those who, unfortunately, lost people in the battle. The guilt was consuming me and I couldn't stand by the sidelines watching people getting hurt. It's one of the reasons I decided to stay on at S.H.I.E.L.D, as well as having emotional ties to it. Peggy helped create S.H.I.E.L.D and I felt honoured to serve in the organisation. _I have a duty. I have a duty to save the people of this world and try my best to avoid harm coming to them._

So I did. I tried my best. I spent the next few years doing missions, saving people, trying to clear the conscience that was eating me up. Meeting Sam helped me with my guilt, which I never thought anyone would be able to do. He seemed casual and treated me with actual respect, not the respect given to Captain America, 'The War Hero', but respect given to me...Steven Rogers.

I hadn't seen her for years, the memory of her being buried deep into the back of my mind but never forgotten.

 _I was walking down the hallways, preparing to see a man with top security clearance whose name was unknown to me. I was surprised I hadn't met him before as this man had the same level clearance as Fury, but I guessed that the two of them worked with different people._

 _Me and Natasha, along with the rest of S.T.R.I.K.E team, were tasked to free hostages aboard a S.H.I.E.L.D vessel from a man named Georges Batroc and his mercenaries. I was fighting with Batroc and with one powerful hit sent him through the wall, bursting into a room where I found Natasha at the computers. She was set with another task of extracting data from the ship's computers for Fury. I was so angry, not even showing most of it with her. I took it out on the punchbags later that day to try and stop myself from shouting at her._

 _But afterwards, Fury showed me Project Insight and the angry I had for Natasha soon disappeared as my anger was directed at someone else. Nick Fury. He said that S.H.I.E.L.D had designed three helicarriers linked to spy satellites, designed to preemptively eliminate threats. He thought that this was going to protect the people, but it was just going to make them afraid and make them targets. Pointing a gun to everyone in the world, calling that protection? Fury needed a new dictionary._

 _Something was going on and it wasn't good. I had always believed in freedom, the freedom of man, and I felt that Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D were going against that. I didn't know how I was feeling. It had been two years since New York and nothing had changed apart from the fact that I had grown a lot closer to all of the Avengers, considering Stark as a friend now and not just a colleague. I felt that something should've been different, that I should've found my place by now but...nothing. I was debating in my head if I should've gone back under...but I couldn't, not when there were so many people in danger in the present day._

 _That night, I got home and a neighbour warned me that there was music playing. Deciding to sneak up on the person inside, knowing that I didn't turn on the record-player I had before I left, I crept round the side of the building, clinging onto the edge of it, hoping that I wouldn't fall. I got to the window, snuck in and picked up my shield, ready for a dangerous encounter, but soon discovered it was Fury. And that S.H.I.E.L.D was compromised. Fury gave me a flashdrive, which I supposed had all the information on it that I needed._

 _Suddenly, bullets ripped through the apartment building and shooting Fury. I was frozen for a moment as I stared at Nick's body, wondering whether he was going to survive or not, but broke my fear as I heard someone break into the apartment. Thinking it was another threat, I immediately went into defence mode, but I realised it was my neighbour who said she went by the name of Agent 13._

 _"Tell him I'm in pursuit." I said, when the woman talked about the location of the shooter._ _I was determined to find the man who shot Fury and make him answer for his crimes, so, in a split decision, I pushed through the window, glass loudly smashing as I hit again it, forcing myself into the next building with another crash. I followed the shooter, who appeared to be a man, and ran faster when I realised that he wasn't purely human. No one human could run at that speed and not get tired out after so long._

 _Realising that throwing the shield was my best choice, hoping that it would knock him out, I did so, aiming it directly at the attacker. What I didn't expect was for him to turn around and catch it. I noticed that his grip wasn't human, but metal, and it made me wonder whether the guy had been given the choice to have the arm or whether he was experimented on._

 _I didn't have long to think about it as he threw the shield back over to me and the sheer force of his throw resulted in me being pushed backwards, shield in hands. When I got to his position, he was no longer there and I couldn't see him anywhere. I guessed that he must've been trained to fit in with the crowd and not rise any suspicions, especially to the piece of metal that was attached to him._

 _I went back to where he was lying in my kitchen, being looked after by Agent 33, and some other agent who were busy trying to get him onto a stretcher. I never thought that anyone would be able to bring Fury to his knees. He was the man in charge, the unbeatable power...and now he was slowly dying._

 _I made my way to the hospital, travelling in the back of an ambulance to accompany Fury to the hospital. When we arrived, they asked me if he had any family._

 _"I don't know." I replied, not knowing whether the story about Fury's wife was true or not. If Fury did have a wife, it would make me re-assess him, observing him as a person who cared, not a person who was all about protocol._

 _"We have an emergency contact on his medical forms. We have already rung her and she will be here soon." the nurse replied, before he turned to leave, but my curiosity got the better of me._

 _"Excuse me?" I asked, politely. The nurse looked back and raised an eyebrow._

 _"Yes, Mr. Rogers?" he asked. I didn't remember giving him my name, but he must've known me from the stories. I didn't like that aspect. The legends of Captain America were being told while I was still alive. I must've been the only person to experience that._

 _"Who is the woman in question that is coming to visit?"_

 _"Her name is..." he said, looking at the medical form to double-check what the woman's name was. "Maria Hill." he added. "Anything else?"_

 _"N...no, thank you." I replied and he smiled before leaving me in the room alone. If anybody was on Fury's contacts, it most likely would've been Hill. Perhaps Hill was the mysterious wife that he was talking about. Hill was his right-hand woman. Even though I hadn't seen her for years, Fury had still talked about her as if she were only in the next room. In reality, she probably would've been on a mission half way around the world._

 _I stood in the observing room, watching Fury as they attached tubes to his body, the heart rate monitor numbers slowly increase and decrease, but primarily decrease. I thought back to when he first recruited me and how little I trust him, never building on that trust since that day. I found that the worst thing. I wish I could've built trust with him, gotten to know him better, but that wasn't the case._

 _Suddenly, I heard a huge crash at the door and I spun round, looking at a stressed-out Maria Hill frozen to the spot by the door. She didn't look angry, just up to her eyes with work like I had remembered her from all those years ago. From what I had known, Hill and Fury worked with each other every single day, which must've caused an impact to the woman when she found out that he was dying. Her face was frozen and I could see the faintest trace of tears in the eyes, the drops glistening from the light. Her eyes locked on Fury and slowly she stepped into the room, letting the door close behind her._

 _She looked at me for a moment, not changing her worried face, before her eyes darted back to where Fury was lying. She walked over and stopped by the window beside me, her lips disconnected to allow for the occasional gasps of breath to be pulled through at the shock of her boss on his death bed._

 _"How is he?" she rasped, voice soft and quiet, not a quality that I had seen in Maria before. Whenever I had spoken to her, she sounded strong and confident, not weak and vulnerable like she was right now. It wasn't a good change to know she had emotions, especially now that Fury was near death, but I found it surprisingly comforting that she was upset._

 _"Not good." I replied, not really remembering the details that the nurse had told me. I picked up the clipboard that was on my left and handed it to her, looking at her face as I did. I saw a tear crawl down her face, but I couldn't see her eyes as they were already focused on reading the information that I had given her. It was only a few seconds later that she gave it back to me, picking up all the necessary information in such little time, I thought it impossible to think she actually read any of it._

 _"He's going to die." she said as if it were a matter of fact. I wanted to argue back and say that he wouldn't and that he still had a chance, but it wasn't going that way. I would just be giving her false hope. The doctors and nurses continued to rush around Fury's body and it felt weird that the room we were standing in felt so quiet and peaceful when the room we were looking into was frantic and loud. It seemed almost too quiet between the pair of us._

 _She moved back to stand near the wall, not leaning against it, but standing up in a powerful position, her hands gripping as if in an attempt to stop herself from crying. I had expected her to burst down into tears when she entered, but then again...I also didn't because of her usual M.O. I expected anyone who came through that door to break down. I let a few tears escape my eyes while I waited for the doctors to set Fury up, but they had gone by the time Maria entered. That would mean she would see me crying twice, which would've been embarrassing._

 _"What have you been doing in the two years that I haven't seen you?" I asked, striking up a conversation that hopefully wouldn't hurt her too much. I hadn't missed Hill, I didn't know her well enough to miss her, but it would've been nice to see her after the battle in Manhattan. I leaned to my side so I could turn to look at her behind me and I caught her eyes. A confused expression brushed over her face before quickly disappearing to be replaced with her usual blankness._

 _"I have been at Fury's side practically 34 hours of the day." I thought she was being stupid for a moment until I realised that it was a joke and gave her a small smile to show that I got it._

 _"Do you ever get a break?" I asked in a serious manner, but her lips rose in response to the question, which surprised me as I had never seen her smile before. Natasha had told me that seeing her smile was a very uncommon occurrence, so I felt a little privileged that she had let me see her smile._

 _"Getting a break isn't exactly in my contact. Holidays don't happen either." she replied. She still stood in her standard military stance, the one I had seen her sport many times during my time on the helicarrier._

 _"Not a single day off?" I asked, completely surprised at how hard the woman worked. I thought my schedule was busy, but hers seemed to be off the scale. I'm sure that even Fury had days off, but his assistant not having any didn't seem very fair._

 _"Don't look so surprised. We're a spy agency and we get into a routine of our life being work." I would've thought she was lying if it weren't for the truth the I could see in her eyes and hear the sternness in her voice._

 _"That can't be healthy." I told her, even though I knew that it wouldn't make any difference to how she felt. She probably heard it all the time during her life, most likely from Natasha as they had worked closely together in the past. I wondered whether Fury forced her to do constant work or whether it was her choice. I guessed that it was her choice as she never looked tired or miserable at work, only professional._

 _When she didn't reply, I didn't turn away, but kept looking at her, eyes trying to understand how she was feeling. Her face was slightly contorted, as if she were trying to fight down her emotions and not let them show. "You don't have to be strong all the time." I said, after a few moments of silence. It related to our last conversation in a way, but I think she realised what I was really saying to her._

 _"Who would I be if I wasn't?" she asked, moving her head to look at me. The tears that were in her eyes before had now disappeared. I wish I could comfort her and tell her it was okay to show emotion, but I didn't know how to. We didn't know each other well, in fact I hardly knew her at all._

 _"The real Mara?" I suggested and she furrowed her eyebrows at me. I thought I had offended her, so I carried on to explain. "You always seem to be Agent Hill and not Maria." I realised that that was the first time I had actually spoken her first name. I had never thought about the names that people had been given before, but her name made me think about it. 'Maria' was easy to say and rolled off my tongue quite easily. I repeated the word in my head until I realised that I enjoyed saying her name and the fact there was still a silence between us. I ignored the silence and turned back to Fury._

 _Seeing him so vulnerable and weak just seemed...wrong. It was wrong to have him being the one lying down close to death. My grip tightened against the ledge I was holding as I saw him getting the help he needed. Weakness wasn't a word in his vocabulary. He has to survive._

 _"I rang Natasha. She should be here soon." Maria said behind me. The news surprised me as I didn't think Natasha and Fury were that close, but if she called her then they must've been as no one else was called apart from S.T.R.I.K.E who weren't allowed in the room. I didn't understand why they were here exactly. They weren't as close as me and Fury were, so I didn't understand why they decided to visit Fury. Suddenly, the door burst open, similar to how Maria had opened it, and I saw Nat run towards me and look through the window at her boss laying down with a bunch of tubes in his skin._

I only found out that S.T.R.I.K.E were only at the hospital to confirm Fury's death, which made more upset and angry than I was already after HYDRA were outed. After his death, we didn't talk very much, only about how we were going to bury Fury. She didn't want to talk about it very much and I respected that.

After Maria said she need to take Fury, Natasha left the room and I got the dreading feeling that she knew that Fury had given my information, the USB stick, that no one else was meant to see.

After being labelled as fugitives, finding my old army camp, being bombed by Pierce and chased to Sam's place, I was seriously confused. HYDRA. HYDRA was within S.H.I.E.L.D the whole time. They had followed me this entire time and I felt like I could never escape the demons of my past. We crashed at Sam's place, which I felt quite guilty about, but I would make sure that he didn't take the blame if the time came. I remember going to see him at the VA and he made me think about what I wanted to do rather than what the country needed, but I found it hard to be convinced to do my passions as well as serve the country. I was torn between two.

Bucky's appearance completely thrown me, making me completely forget about the fact that Natasha had a bad shoulder injury because of my best friend...well...old best friend.

 _"It was him." I told the others, feeling frozen to the spot in that moment, yet so exhausted from all the emotions that had been coursing through me. "He looked right at me, like he didn't even know me." I felt so raw and hollowed and Bucky reminded me of my past, crashing the aeroplane. The van did also. The cold air, the handcuffs tightly encasing my wrists like a vice and the steel walls of the van against my back. I almost felt claustrophobic and like I needed my inhaler. I hadn't used it since before I was Captain America at the time when I had asthma. I slowly pushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused on what Sam had said._

 _"How is that even possible?" Sam asked and I didn't even lift my head to look at him, knowing that he wouldn't mind if I didn't have the energy to. I wondered whether this was what it was like to go through shock. I wasn't shaking, nor did I have any of the other physical symptoms, but I felt that there was a block on m mind that made me feel so empty. "It was like, 70 years ago."_

 _"Zola." I replied, simply, my mind linking together the theory. He had been there at the army camp earlier and he told us about HYDRA. He was also the main scientist at the HYDRA base in 1943 when I found Bucky completely broken, as if he were drugged out of his mind. "Bucky's whole unit was captured in '43. Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall." I concluded. "They must have found him and…" What was the end of that sentence? Experimented on him? Changed him? Made his whole life different? Whatever the end of that sentence was...it was my fault that it happened to him._

 _"None of that's your fault, Steve." he replied and I almost rolled my eyes at how easy people could read me. I always let my emotions show through my facial expression, whether it be my lips or my eyes, and it irritated me that I couldn't hide it. If I felt pain, I showed that pain. I felt grief, I showed grief. I felt heartbreak, I showed heartbreak._

 _"Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky." I said, thinking back to when my mother had died and how he was there for me._

 _"We need to get a doctor here. If we don't put pressure on that wound, she's gonna bleed out here in the truck." Sam spoke up to one of the guards. There were only two of them and we could easily take them up, but I felt so hopeless. I was too distracted to even note that Natasha had been wounded. I was about to speak up, but one of the guards pulled out an electrified baton that looked like it could do some damage._

 _Suddenly, the guard with the weapon punched the other guard in the face and then did a very impressive kick into the guys face. Wow...what? I couldn't tell whether to be impressed or nervous. Whoever this person was, they were very trained and I was worried about whether it was someone who wasn't one our side, but not with HYDRA either. Perhaps they had their own agenda. My suspicions dropped when the guard took off it's mask._

 _"Man, that thing was squeezing my brain." Hill said and I physically felt my jaw drop a little at the fact that she was here, saving us. She huffed and used her hand to move some hair off of her face. "Who is this guy?" she asked me, gesturing to Sam. My brain hadn't fully kicked into action yet, because it was being too slow._

 _"Thank fuck." Natasha breathed out with relief, resting her head against the back of the van. Hill smiled as she reached her hands up to tighten her hair. After quickly undoing our feet and hand restraints, she introduced herself to Sam._

 _"Maria Hill." she said, reaching her hand out to shake his hand when he didn't reply to the question she had asked to me and Natasha. He shook her hand with a small smile on his face. I didn't like the smirk on his face that he gave her, but ignored it when they pulled their hands away. From what I could tell, Sam was a flirt, but didn't actually act upon his flirting or take it too far. I could see the gentleman in him and the lacking capability to be a playboy unlike Tony….even though he does have a girlfriend. I briefly thought of how I would feel if Sam and Maria dated. I wouldn't have minded, but I couldn't imagine them being together. My thoughts immediately went back to Bucky. Whenever my mind drifted, it would always go back to my best friend who was trapped in the mind of the Winter Soldier._ _He must've felt so guilty for not being able to control his actions, but it must be nothing compared to the amount of guilt I felt for leaving him there to get turned into a monster. He must've hated me._

 _"Sam Wilson, otherwise known as the Falcon." he said and went back to leaning back next to Natasha. I didn't see her facial reaction, but I guessed it was one of recognition to the reply that she then gave._

 _"Falcon? As in the EXO-7's? I saw the footage from your confrontation with Barnes and recognised the suit." she replied, which brought up my interest. Did she know that Bucky was the Winter Soldier? Had her and Fury been hiding it? If so, how could they keep it from me?_

 _"Those are the one's." he replied._

 _"Not that I don't love a good catch up, but is there any chance that we could start escaping instead of letting HYDRA drive us to their torture chambers?" Natasha asked, her tone dry as usual. I continued to stare at the floor, not able to take my eyes off of them, my peripheral vision letting me see what was going on._

 _"The pick up point is a few minutes away underneath a bridge." Hill said."You and Nat will go first, followed by me and Steve. The pick up is West of here. We should find a car there that is identical to this one. This land is owned privately by HYDRA, so they decided to only allowed one type of car is allowed through to ensure that there would be no intruders."_

 _"How do you know that?" Falcon asked and I knew the answer, no matter how much I didn't want to believe it._

 _"They had people inside our organisation, did you not think that we had agents within their ranks? We didn't know that it was HYDRA at the time, but I'm glad that we went with the plan to infiltrate the organisation. It's how I got the uniform and got in this stupid truck." S.H.I.E.L.D was just as bad as HYDRA._

 _"How are we going to.." Falcon began, but soon stopped as Maria pulled out a flame gun, switching it on as Sam realised what she was doing. She first made a whole in the middle of the truck and got a baton out. She pushed it through the hole and clicked a button, causing the baton to click but I saw no changes. "Sam, hold this."_

 _Sam held the baton as she quickly burnt a large ring around the outside. As she was coming close to a full circle, she asked Sam "Have you got it?"_

 _"Yeah." he replied, preparing himself to take the weight of the metal circle. Once the circle was complete, he pulled it up and carefully put it to one side, trying not to make much noise. I noticed that the clicking sound from the baton was the bottom of it putting out clamps to attach to the metal. If the metal circle had dropped, it may have gone under a wheel and the driver would have noticed our escape._

 _"There are no cameras on the upcoming bridge." Maria informed us, taking control of the situation completely. Hill was headstrong, confident, a leader like me and I wondered whether she would be a better candidate for the Avenger's captain. Maybe after all this, that's what I would suggest to her...if there was an Avengers after this. She pulled out her phone to check it. "The tunnel will also be too dark for the car drivers to see us. Once we get out, we'll wait until the cars have gone and I will put the cameras on a loop allowing us to make our escape. If me and Steve for some reason, don't follow out after you, go West anyway. There is another bridge an extra five minutes away that is the same. We'll meet you at the car." she said, handing the device over to Natasha. The phone must've had the map to the car on it._

 _The plan seemed simple enough. Slip out of the truck, wait at the bridge until Maria switches the cameras off, get to the car and then drive out. "Don't you need this to turn off the cameras and navigate yourself to the car?" Falcon asked, but Maria pulled out another phone._

 _"I'm dong it on this. The navigation using that should be easy as it was designed by Stark." she said and I thought about her connection to Stark. How did that occur? There were so many secrets that she was keeping from me, so many answers to question I had that I knew she wouldn't give. Why should I trust her? She set me on edge and I didn't know whether to follow her or not._

 _Maybe it would be better for me just to go on and get tortured? I was sick and tired of people chasing me. Perhaps if I handed myself in, they would stop all this. They wanted me dead and a part of me wanted to be that way. I had let Bucky get caught up in this, I could've gotten to him before he fell to his death and just saved him. Why didn't I? Why wasn't I quicker? Maybe if I let HYDRA take me then the world would be better off? Some people didn't want me in the 21st century and now I was seen as a fugitive by a lot of people, my image warped by HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. I was just so tired._

 _I felt like I had lost so many people. I was born in a completely different time and I didn't understand why I was with the 21st century. But I guess that was my problem...I wasn't. My neighbours from the 1940's - dead. Erskine - dead. The Howling Commandos - dead. Bucky…not dead, but lifeless. I had to keep repeating to myself that he wasn't dead. I had gotten used to him being that way for so long and I was still fighting to get my head around it. He was brainwashed, that was clear to tell. There was no way in Bucky's right mind that he would sign up to be part of HYDRA. And he would've remembered his own name, if not me._

 _"Steve!" Hill stressed from beside me as I watched them prepare to exit through the hole in the bottom of the van. "Ready?" she asked and I didn't respond. I looked up and stared at her. My eyes felt lifeless and droopy. I felt as if I needed to sleep, but I couldn't find myself doing so. I felt so confused, two sides of my brain arguing against each other about whether to trust S.H.I.E.L.D, about who I should trust. Should I drop out of the van? She frowned for a moment at me, studying me for some reason, and I was worried that she had some form of mind-reading ability. A second later, she turned to Natasha._

 _"Go on with Sam. We'll drop at the next bridge." she said and I was the one furrowing my eyebrows this time. I wasn't confused at her motive. I knew that she wanted to talk to me about something, but that something I was unsure of. The change obviously wasn't in the original plan and I discovered that from the way she looked at me before me left the car._

 _"What?" Sam asked, shocked that she would suggest for us to split up._

 _"Are you sure?" Natasha said, the faint beeping on her phone getting louder as we neared the exit point._

 _"We'll get out at the next bridge. I'll know when the car turns the corner and I have the other phone to block the cameras." she explained, holding up the phone to them. I still hadn't moved from my seat the entire time. "You have five seconds. Ready?" she asked them and they nodded, the beeping almost sounding like a flat-line._

 _As soon as the beeping turned to one long sound, the van seemed to darken at the loss of light in the tunnel and Natasha quickly slipped out, followed by Sam. Soon enough, the light was back on the road and Maria stood up from where she was crouched over the escape hole._

 _She looked up at me and I refused to meet her eyes, my gaze solid and steady on the floor. She knew that I was hesitant about going with her, but I didn't want to talk about it. What if she did know Bucky was the Winter Soldier? I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone, but Sam, Natasha and the other Avengers. Sam and Natasha seemed to go along with Hill, deeming it a good enough plan to 'save the World', but I wasn't entirely convinced._

 _Maria walked over and sat opposite me on the other side of the van where Natasha had been sitting. There was a blood mark on the metal wall behind her from where Natasha's shoulder had bled against it. "You unsure about where you stand?" she asked to which I nodded, still refusing to look up. I felt my eyes well up with tears and I begged myself to try and stop them from falling, but they did so easily without even needing me to blink them out. This was the second time she had seen me crying and she must've thought I was an idiot for doing so._

 _"Before you ask, I didn't know it was Barnes." she explained, hoping that it would get me to see her side of things. It did and I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing. "Fury may have known, but I wasn't 100 percent sure."_

 _That made me raise my eyebrows, but I didn't move my head from where it was glued, staring holes into the floor. "Not 100 percent?" I asked, curious as to whether she had her suspicions._

 _"I did make a few guesses at who it was, Barnes being at the very bottom of the list as he was classified as dead the last time I checked." she said and I saw her clasp her hands together, resting her elbows on her knees as she leaned forward. "Even if I told you, you wouldn't have believed me."_

 _"I might have." I said, through gritted teeth, but knew it was all lies. I would've thought she was crazy for even suggesting that Bucky was still alive._

 _"Steve..." She began, her voice soft and smooth bringing me a little comfort and for some unknown reason it seemed to calm me down. "You cannot let yourself stay here. That hesitation needs to go." She instructed me and I nodded, slowly, her words gradually getting through to me._

 _Something was going on and it wasn't good. I had always believed in freedom, the freedom of man, and I felt like Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D were going against that. I didn't know how I was feeling. It had been two years since New York and nothing had changed apart from the fact that I had grown a lot closer to all of the Avengers, considering Stark as a friend now and not just a colleague. I felt that something should've been different, that I should've found my place by now but...nothing. I was debating in my head if I should go back under...but I couldn't, not when there were so many people in danger in the present day._

 _"I know." I replied, trying not to sound unsure but we both knew that I was. How could I trust shield? I trusted it the same amount as HYDRA. Perhaps that was an exaggeration._

 _"Steve, what do you want?" She asked and I was confused for a second. "Once this is all over..." She said, steadying herself as the truck went over a little bump. "What do you want the outcome of all this to be?"_

 _I looked up at her and we stared at each other for a second. Her eyes were a captivating dark brown that stood out from her black hair. I hadn't properly looked at face before, but I noticed the few freckles that were dotted across her cheeks. Her face, free from the make-up that many women wore nowadays, had a few scars on. There was a small one on her chin and a slightly larger one across the left side of her forehead._

 _Her lips were small and pink, looking untouched and fresh. I couldn't imagine any improvements being added to it, not even the scars. In the past, some people I had been were insecure about their scars, but I never thought it was a problem. Mine would eventually heal over, but some deep one's from before I was injected with the serum stayed. I didn't mind - it stayed as a reminder to never be ungrateful. The scars were the one thing from my past that would never leave._

 _Her eyes looked to the floor again and I missed the warm, comforting nature that they gave to me. I desperately wanted her to look up again and, fortunately, she did, which relaxed me. Through her eyes, I could see the sympathy that she was giving to me. I doubted that she would say that she felt sorry for me aloud, but her eyes did the talking for her. Her gaze tensed and, in a split second, the sympathy was gone, the professional facade returning to her._ _I tried to look away but found myself unable to. Her once comforting gaze had now turned cold and intense, making_ _Maria the intimidating woman she would usually act as. I missed the ease that her gaze before gave, but the regain in professionalism refocused my attention to answering her question._

 _"I want to have Bucky back. And I want everyone to be safe." I replied, our eyes staying strongly connected. She nodded at me and raised an eyebrow._

 _"You think that staying with HYDRA is going to do that?" she asked. I sighed and shook my head, putting my head in my hands, my warm tears on my cheeks pressing against my palms. I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head, trying to push away the thoughts that were clouding my mind. I was being pathetic and I needed to man up to save Bucky and everyone else in the world. Insight was going to kill so many people and we needed to develop a plan to stop it. I brought my head up and wiped my eyes quickly. She smiled softly at me and I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. I wanted it to be real._

 _"Okay. I'll come with you." I replied and she nodded briefly before looking down at her phone to see how close we were to the bridge. The short strands of hair framing her face had fallen across her eyes and I felt the need to tuck them behind her ear to see her face fully. Knowing that it wasn't acceptable to do that, especially when we had only spoken a few times and weren't even good friends, I clasped my hands together to stop myself._

 _"The bridge is a minute away. Let's get into position." she said, getting up and walking around to the hole in the ground, but the car went over a bump again and she ended up falling forward onto the bottom of the van. I quickly got over to her and put my hand against her arm. She groaned for a second before trying to get up. Realising that my hand was still on her, I quickly retracted it and stepped out of her way._

 _"Are you hurt?" I asked and she chuckled lightly, shaking her head._

 _"Just my pride." she replied and I had a feeling she was lying. Hill seemed too stubborn to admit to feeling pain._

 _After jumping out of the van and meeting the others at the car, we travelled to a secret location, Maria not telling us where we were going. Maria slid the door open and I quickly got out, holding my arms out to help Natasha into the abandoned compound. I was extremely worried out Natasha. She hadn't passed out yet, but I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable the wound must've been. I could see her grit her teeth occasionally on the way, but I could tell she was trying to mask most of her pain. Maria open a barred gate and she led us through a dark corridor, a few blinding lights making the corridor visible. We made our way inside and I saw someone in a suit begin to run towards us. My body automatically tensed, but soon relaxed as I realised that the man was on our side._

 _After telling the suited man, who must've been a doctor, about Natasha's condition, Maria led us to a hospital bed hidden behind some clouded, white, plastic curtains. She pulled the curtains back and a man I believed to be dead was lying there...alive._

 _"About damn time..." he began and I bit the inside of my cheek as I tried not to get angry. I was shocked at first, but I couldn't believe that he had lied to us all. Fury and his doctor told us what was wrong and I almost rolled my eyes at the long list._

 _"Don't forget your collapsed lung." the doctor interjected. I realised that he must've been close to Fury as I came to the conclusion he was only letting people he could trust into the building. Knowing that I had Fury's trust made me feel uncomfortable as I felt that he didn't have mine. I wouldn't put my life into Fury's hands._

 _"Let's not forget that." Fury sighed. "Otherwise, I'm good."_

 _"They cut you open." Natasha said, not being amused with Fury's lies. I underestimated how much she cared for him. "Your heart stopped." she added, a little bitterness in her tone._

 _"Tetrodotoxin B. Slows the pulse to one beat a minute. Banner developed it for stress." he explained. "Didn't work so great for him, but we found a use for it."_

 _"Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us?" I asked, my arms tightening against my chest as I attempted to control my anger._

 _"Any attempt on the Director's life had to look successful." Maria spoke up and I turned my head right to look at her. She was in a strong stance, hands clasped as she kept her eyes on Fury, not looking at me as she answered. Her emotionless reply cemented my thoughts on her logical way of thinking. She always left her feelings behind, soldiering forward to the next mission with a straight head and without distraction. It was something that I wished I could do, but she must've had a secret switch that she never turned off._

 _I knew I had to do something, but I hadn't quite figured out the plan in my head. I was sitting my temporary room while Natasha was getting help with her wounds. The room was grey and void of any logos, like the rest of the building, no attention wanting to be drawn to it. There weren't any spare clothes lying around in my size, but I was planning on picking up my old uniform before we went against HYDRA. Deciding that I would take a shower before I went to get the uniform, I began to take off my shirt. I threw it on my bed and went to take off my trousers when I heard a knock at the door, buckling my trousers back up when I heard the noise._

 _I jogged over, worried it might be important, and quickly opened up the door to see Maria standing there, her hair up in the usual ponytail and a form fitting black top on. I had to stop myself from looking down at her curves. It wasn't that I wanted to look at her in that way, but woman tended to wear tighter fitting clothes than in the 1940's and it was distracting. Everyone seemed to be accustomed to the current style, but I found it difficult to get used to. I didn't complained about it, but I was always slightly taken back whenever I saw someone wearing tightly fitted clothing or a short skirt or a low-cut top. If I ever had that conversation with anyone, especially Tony, I would've been taken as a joke, so I never talked about it with anyone._

 _Maria's eyes flitted down to my bare chest for a second and then back to my eyes. I had been shirtless in front of Natasha and she didn't mind, although, Natasha didn't seem to mind anyone dressing or undressing in front of her. She had told me once that bodies were just bodies that contained chemicals and reactions. It made me sad that that was the only way she thought about bodies. I wondered whether Maria had that mind-set also._

 _The woman in question lifted up a set of clothes in her hands and presented the pile to me. "One of the guards found some clothes for you to wear that were in storage. They obviously didn't look hard enough the first time around."_

 _"Why did they look the second time?" I asked, accepting the clothes that she was holding. As I took the pile, my fingertips swiftly brushed the bottom of her hand, a small touch that felt more than it was. My eyes drifted up to hers and she was already looking at me, a small amount of fear playing in her brown orbs. Her eyes looked down again and I took the pile from her, our hand separating. Her warm hands gave the same comfort that her eyes had only a couple of hours ago in the HYDRA van._

 _"Perhaps they were trying to impress Captain America." she said, a small smile playing at the side of her lips. "Some people haven't lost hope in you." she added and crossed her arms over her chest. I shouldn't have noticed the cleavage that she had now displayed from crossing her arms, but I did without even looking down. The low-cut top made me a little uncomfortable, not that I would've told her. She might have been offended or embarrassed if I did. It made me want to grab one of my shirts and put it over her to cover her up. Not that I could say much as I was still standing in my doorway shirtless._

 _My mind went to her reply and I was interested to know what she though. "Have you?" I asked, feeling that her answer was more important than everyone else's for some reason. Maria was controlled, experienced and level-headed, but seemed more human than Natasha. I disliked thinking about Natasha in that way, but she never seemed to let her guard down. I could imagine Maria having a wider range of emotions. Then again, I didn't know the woman very well._

 _She was still for a couple of seconds, playing my question over in her mind, before she answered. "Not at all." she replied and genuinely smiled with her lips before nodding and walking down the corridor. I slowly shut the door and undressed, preparing to get in the shower, the whole time my mind wondering whether Maria Hill or Natasha Romanoff were more human._

We spent the next few hours building up a strategy before taking on HYDRA head on. Any conversation between anyone else was strictly professional, no one having time for heart to hearts any longer. After infiltrating the S.H.I.E.L.D headquaters in D.C and putting in two out of the three chips, I was set on putting the third chip into the last helicarrier to make our plan work, a plan that Maria had agreed with. When we had planned the strategy, I wanted to thank her afterwards for supporting me, but I didn't get the chance to.

Battling Bucky was one of the hardest challenges I had to face during that battle. He was just as strong as me, which wasn't the only problem. I didn't want to fight him, but I had to if we wanted the mission to succeed.

 _ **"Thirty seconds, Cap."** Bucky was on the lower level firing at me as I struggled to get to the set of computer chips to change one of them. I had never felt so defeated and tired, the Avengers battle in Manhattan included in the ranking. Emotionally, I was devastated, Bucky siding with HYDRA being the start of my problems. Physically, I was exhausted, gun shots from Bucky in my legs and a knife wound to my chest from him too. I had to keep going though, Maria's countdown being a reminder of what I was fighting for_. _Maria's voice was the only thing I was tuned into, the countdown grounding me to my purpose of being there._

 _I pushed forward and slumped against the monitor as I pulled out the modified chip that Fury and Hill had given me. I felt a pain shoot through the back of my leg where Bucky had shot me seconds ago. "Stand by." I breathed, holding up the chip to the empty slot. I heard a gun shot go off and a pain strike my abdomen, the feeling causing me to fall down to the floor, the empty slot out of my reach._

 _My eyes were darting to different spots as I felt the pain get worse and worse making me want to scream out from it. I had been shot many times in my arms and legs, but never before in my abdomen. It was like fire was burning at the lodged bullet in my stomach_ _and tried to breathe as I forcefully pushed the pain out of my mind._

 _A set of voices were talking through the communication earphone I was wearing, but the pain made it impossible for me to focus. I needed to keep fighting. Like Maria said, people still believed in me. I panted and grit my teeth as I pushed myself by my arms that weren't damaged, a different pain shooting through my chest, one that was caused by Bucky's knife. I heard someone different counting down this time and I realised that it was a HYDRA member working for insight._

 _ **"Three..."** the man said and I struggled to breathe properly, my lungs begging for air that I couldn't get. **"Two..."** I pushed against the structure and desperately stretched my arm out to reach the empty slot, the computer chip between my fingers, waiting to be placed. **"One..."** I gave every last bit of effort to push myself forward and attach the chip into it's place._

 _"Charlie lock." I reported and slumped down on the floor from the strain of my wounds. The fire had eased, but it wasn't completely out. I felt the need to pass out and blinked as I tried to keep myself awake. I breathed heavily as Maria relayed a message._

 _ **"Okay, Cap, get out of there."** she said over the comms and I shook my head, tensing my stomach as I tried to ease the pain of the bullet, but it only made my pain temporarily better. I could feel the pain spreading and the pool of blood forming around my stomach. I heard the guns on the ship change direction and I could see one of the other helicarriers point their guns to the ship I was on. I shut my eyes and breathed out one last time as I knew what I had to do._

 _"Fire now." I told Maria, hoping that she would understand why this needed to happen. I was too injured. I had served my purpose, I had saved them. I was injured, badly, and I doubted that I was going to make it out alive. Deep down, Maria knew that too._

 ** _"But Steve-"_**

 _"DO IT!" I interrupted, knowing that she was going to argue with me. We needed to take down HYDRA and didn't need to worry about anything else. I struggled to get up, but managed to make myself stand as I prepared for the fire of the other helicarriers. "Do it now..." I said, a little softer, realising that my tone before had been quite harsh. I didn't want her to remember me as an angry human being. I wanted her to remember me positively, as a hero. I never wanted people to remember me like that before, but I wanted her to think of me as a hero being Steve Rogers not Captain America._

 _Captain America was a lie and not the real me. I wore the mask to show the world that they had hope, but if I had to chose, I would easily chose to be the human I was, not the super soldier I was made into. Images of Erskine flashed through my head when he was dying. He wasn't afraid. He believed in me and I knew that he would've been proud of what I had accomplished to keep the world safe, but I could've tried harder. I knew that._

 ** _The serum amplifies everything that is inside, so good becomes great; bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because the strong man who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows...compassion._** _His words echoed through my mind as I threw myself at one of the nearby bars to try and see whether Bucky was hurt. Before I could see him, I was pushed against another bar from the impact of bullets from the other helicarriers. As we began to fall towards the ground I heard someone scream. I looked down and saw Bucky trapped underneath a large metal beam, my heart pounding at the sight of my best friend being hurt._

 **You must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are, not a perfect soldier, but a good man.** _The words stuck in my head as I jumped down from my position, causing pain to shoot through me again, and ran to help Bucky._

Me and Bucky got out of there, Bucky not telling me about his whereabouts. I had never been in so much pain before, but I had to save Bucky, not matter what side he was on. It was a weakness and I hated myself for it, wishing that I could be more like Hill. An idea struck me that I should get a lesson or two from her about how she stays so unaffected by what happens to her and those around her.

I was sitting in the med-bay when Sam told me what had happened.

 _"And you think he pulled me out?" I asked him, sitting up in my bed and had to stop myself from groaning due to the pain._

 _Sam shrugged in his seat next to me. "He must've. Who else would've been there that soon? My guess is he pulled you out, checked you were breathing and then left before you could wake up."_

 _I nodded and looked down at the duvet I was covered in, the white colour giving me nothing to get distracted by. If Bucky did pull me out, then I needed to find him. Fast._

 **Hope you liked the intro. This took my a LONG time to do so I would really appreciate the review.**


	2. The Battle

**This is continuing straight from my last chapter. I was going to have it all in one big long chapter, but then realised that it was getting insanely long and decided to do two chapters instead.**

 **To link all the chapters together, I am going to put the same name for each inter-linking chapters on all four stories.**

 **So yeah - part two of the intro. Crazy Horse Nae, Liv Marques, Thesamemistakes and criminalmindcrazy123 - thank you so much for the follows! I apologise for it being so long. I've been away for weeks!**

Unfortunately, me and Sam did not find Bucky fast at all. Sam spent the rest of the day talking to me while I recovered, which I found quite interesting. He filled me in about his past and all of his other crazy, wild adventures. While the government was deciding whether to disband us our not, Sam and I went out searching for Bucky. I would've wanted more team members, like Maria or Natasha to join, but they were busy with other things. Maria now had a job at Stark Industries and Natasha...well...who ever knew what that spy was doing. Although, I had seen her in the news a lot telling the government to leave her alone. She could show up anyone.

After a month and a half, Natasha called to tell us that the government trials were over and that we weren't being charged. Me and Sam joined the Avengers for a while, Sam acting as my partner, but I could tell that Sam didn't enjoy being there. He decided to go back to his therapist job while I continued to act with the Avengers. Even though Maria worked with Stark, she was rarely found in the Avengers living room space. I considered her part of the Avengers, but I don't think Tony saw it that way. If he did, he didn't show it very much. That continued for the first year or so.

A few months later, Maria was often in the Avengers living room and I didn't know why she had suddenly become a part of the group. I loved having her around, but I didn't understand Stark's motives. Why introduce her to the group all of a sudden? Stark unnerved me a lot of the time and I didn't like the way he kept his cards close to his chest. Too close.

Most nights me and Sam would go over leads on Bucky and I found it tedious that we weren't finding any good leads. I worked with him in the living room most of the time, all the Avengers knowing what we were doing anyway. Another reason I sat in the living room was to see Maria walk past every night. I wasn't stalking her or anything, but I did enjoy seeing the woman. I hadn't spoken to her in a way that wasn't professional ever since the D.C. battle and I didn't get to catch up with her. That was until the night of the party.

 _A few hours before Stark decided to throw a party, we had captured the sceptre from a HYDRA base. Tony decided that this, of course, meant that we had to celebrate it. Or, in my mind, Tony saw it as an excuse to have alcohol, and more importantly, get drunk._

 _When I entered the living room, I didn't really know who to talk to, travelling around to random people in the room, not knowing who most of the guests were. I had managed to escape the other parties Stark had put on, but this one, he had forced me to. I invited Sam, but he hadn't arrived yet. I looked across the room, tightening my grip on the bottle in my hand as my anxiety escalated. I used to get asthma a lot before the serum, social situation making me feel worried and under pressure. I took a deep breath and tried to push my anxieties aside as I lifted the bottle up to my lips._

 _I stopped just before my lips touched the bottle when I saw Maria sitting on one of the sofas by herself, nursing what seemed to be a scotch in her hand. She looked stunning wearing a red dress with a golden collar that hung loosely around her neck. Her hair was the same brown that it had always been and I wondered whether she dyed it as it never seemed to change. It was straightened and I noticed she was sporting a fringe, different to the usual middle parting that she wore in a ponytail. In addition to that, her hair was down, a style that I couldn't remember Maria wearing. It looked good._

 _I walked over to her, sipping a small amount of drink, and smiled at her when she noticed me. "Hey, Steve." she said, smiling and gesturing next to her. "Care to sit?" she asked and I nodded, moving to sit next to her._

 _"Are you enjoying your night?" I asked, engaging in light conversation. I wanted to build at least a friendship with her and I figured that it was a good place to start._

 _"I'm having a good time. Can't argue with free alcohol." she said, lifting up her drink and taking another sip. As she lifted her head and put her lips against the glass' edge, I couldn't help but get distracted again, this time by her impeccably smooth jawline. I often got distracted by beautiful women and I think it was because I had never had a girlfriend in both post and pre serum stages. Natasha had told me to go on a date with Sharon Carter, relative of Peggy and my fake ex-neighbour, but when we went on the date, it didn't work out. Sharon, not that she meant to, was a constant reminder of Peggy for me. I was over Peggy, but dating Sharon didn't help me. "What about you?" she asked. "Can't imagine that I could get through one of Stark's parties without getting at least a little drunk. It is Stark after all."_

 _I chuckled and she smiled at me, amused by her own joke too. "I've had a small amount of a liquor that Thor brought from Asgard, much stronger than Earth's alcohol."_

 _"Yeah, I can see that." she said, looking over at the man that was slumped over the bar next to some other guests who were being taken out of the room._

 _"I've only ever been drunk once and that was with Bucky. He stole some alcohol of off his father and when he found out afterwards, he was furious." I said, my mind going back to those moments. Drinking with Bucky was probably one of the best moments of my childhood. I shook my head and added "Never managed to get drunk after that." I had tried to get drunk, especially as soon as I had gotten out of the ice. The cabin I was staying in had an alcohol stash. I drank the whole lot, but never managed to get drunk, my body throwing up most of it, purely from over consumption of liquids, not the actual alcohol itself. I wasn't allowed to leave the cabin and it had driven me mad. "The feeling is the same though." I said, holding out my hands as they buzzed. "Before the serum, when I got drunk with Bucky, my hands felt like they had electricity running through them and I'm getting a faint feeling of that now."_

 _"How's the search going?" she asked and I knew immediately that she was talking about mine and Sam's hunt for Bucky._

 _"There's been practically no trace of him. We think we've got something and then…" I said and shook my head lightly._

 _"I'm sorry that this has happened to you." she said and I think it was the first time I had ever heard her apologise, not that she needed to. "Barnes shouldn't go down in history as the Winter Soldier. I would offer my services and help you, but Stark-"_

 _"You don't need to give an explanation." I interrupted, waving my head to stop her from thinking in that way. "It's not your fight." I added, hoping that it would ease the guilt she had created for herself. She nodded and I placed my bottle against my lips to take another sip of the alcohol that would have no effect on me._

 _"Don't get too drunk, Rogers." she said, sipping her drink some more._

 _"I could say the same to you." I replied and she rolled her eyes, placing her glass on the coffee table in front of us._

 _"I'm haven't actually had that much to drink." she replied and leant back against the sofa. One of her arms was rested against the sofa back and the other was lying in her lap. Maria did seemed reasonably sober, definitely more so than some of the people in the room. I wondered whether she had the same tolerance to alcohol that Natasha did. "Not as much as my assistant has anyway." she said, her eyes flicking over to the bar._

 _I furrowed my eyebrows confused. I didn't even know that Hill had an assistant. "Who?" I asked and she pointed over in the bar's direction. I turned my head and saw a beautiful woman with light brown hair with small curls that seemed to fall down naturally. She was wearing a strapless, black, silk dress that stopped just above the middle of her thigh. She wasn't skinny, but I could tell that she worked out, the definition clear on her arms._

 _"Elisa, my new assistant." she informed me. The woman was currently leaning over the bar as she talked to Sam._

 _"Did you have an assistant before?" I asked and she nodded, moving her head to face me, though her eyes stayed transfixed on Elisa._

 _"Amelia Bowen. I caught her making out with one of the agents and I had to fire her." she replied. She still hadn't taken her eyes off of Elisa though they were now shifting to Sam too. Her answer surprised me. I thought to get fired you would have to do something dreadful, but that didn't seem so bad._

 _"What's the problem with that?" I asked and she averted her eyes to me for a second._

 _"Fraternisation between agents is not allowed. Tony said that the Avengers were the exception for that rule, but most of you are too busy for relationships anyway." she said, her eyes tightening as she carefully watched Elisa and Sam. "They had better not be flirting."_

 _"But Sam's an Avenger." I pointed out to her. She had completely contradicted her rule of Avengers being the exception. She turned her head and scowled slightly at me before her eyes softened to their usual gaze._

 _"I don't want her to get distracted by anything." she replied and I nodded, knowing there was no use arguing with the woman. To be honest, Maria had a point about getting distracted. I tried desperately not to get distracted by other agents, but it was difficult to. Distraction was a weakness and it would make me lose in battle. Emotion was a weakness. I didn't want to admit that, but it was true, and I knew that I needed to ask Maria about how she didn't get distracted. Just as I was about to, Sam came over and clapped me on the shoulder._

 _"Hey, man." he greeted and smiled as I clapped my hand against his. His eyes went to Maria. "Nice to see you, Ria." he said and she nodded before getting up out of her seat._

 _"Wilson." she said, coldly, and walked over in another direction, swiftly taking her drink off of the table as she did. I watched her walk away and had to push my eyes away to stop myself taking in her curves. The red dress was a perfect fit for her, though after a few moments, the colour was soon lost in the crowd and I turned my attention to Sam who was just about to sit down._

 _"What's up with her?" he asked, dejectedly. He turned to look at me. "What have I done to offend her?"_

 _"She thought that you were getting a little close with Hill's assistant." I replied, sighing and leaning my elbows on my thighs as I looked over at the woman in question. I could see glimpses of Elisa dancing with her friend. Natasha was off at the sidelines talking with Hill about something._

 _He raised his eyebrows. "Who? Her assistant, Elisa?"_

 _"Already on first name basis, huh?" I asked with a smirk and he rolled his eyes at my teasing._

 _"She's a lovely dame." he mocked, throwing his hands up in the air at the word 'dame' and laughing. Steve often teased me about my language use and I always scoffed when he did. "I thought the Avengers were allowed to date whoever they wanted?"_

 _"How do you know that?" I asked._

 _"Are you kidding? I checked when I first joined who I was and wasn't allowed to date." Sam replied, smiling at me. He was definitely a 'ladies man' as people called them these days. I didn't approve of him flirting with every woman, but many people did these days. Unlike some people though, Sam never cheated on anyone. He wasn't that kind of guy._

 _Sam's eyes flicked over to something on the side of the room and then back to me. "So is anything going on with you and Hill?"_

 _"If you are referring to her in the way I think you are, then no. We are just friends." If you could even call it that. Perhaps in her eyes we were only acquaintances…_

 _"What about Natasha? Anything going on with her?" he asked and I laughed. Like Nat would date anyone. However, she did seem to be getting close with Banner, flirting in ways that seemed genuine, rather than the fake way she did with me._

 _"How long does this interrogation need to go on for? I'm not interested in anyone. Same can't be said for you and the new assistant." I threw back and he smiled._

 _"Did you know she came to see you?" he asked, trying to change the subject, but I went with it, curious as to who he was referencing to._

 _"Who?" I asked._

 _"Maria." he answered and I raised an eyebrow. "A couple of times actually."_

 _"Why?" I asked and he shrugged._

 _"She said that Fury sent her over to check on you, but as soon as you woke up, she didn't show her face again." I didn't understand. Surely, Fury could've gotten in contact with Sam or someone else to ensure I was alright. Then again, Fury was meant to be dead, so perhaps he was trying to maintain his cover._

 _We moved onto the top balcony as we talked about Natasha and what her relationship was with Clint though I did point out to Sam that her and Banner were getting closer. From our position, you could see the entire party. I observed everyone in their small groups, some of the Avengers messing about with each other. Clint was stuck his tongue out at Thor who was laughing about something. Natasha and Maria were at the bar, chatting with Rhodey and Tony, and Bruce was speaking with Helen Cho, who was the Avenger's medical doctor._

 _A few hours later, we were all sitting in the lounge area. Rhodey and Tony were perched on the edge of a table while me and Thor were sitting on the sofas. Helen seemed to be slumped over a chair and very intoxicated. Natasha and Bruce were sitting closely on different seats talking to each other whilst Clint and Maria were sat on the floor. Natasha had never mentioned her affections towards Bruce, but I had noticed her flirting with him earlier. It looked genuine, but I still couldn't imagine the pair together._

 _"Come on, it's a trick." Clint was digging himself a hole, but I let him. Thor challenged him to lift the hammer and, of course, he didn't do it, Tony the next one up for the challenge._

 _"It's physics." he argued as he slipped his hand over the handle._

 _"Physics." Bruce repeated. I leant against my knee and tried to hide my smirk as I watched him try to lift it. I noticed Hill smiling gleefully out of the corner of her eye, amused by her boss failing to lift Mjolnir._

 _The others tried also, Bruce doing a hulk-out joke in the process that none of us laughed at. I chuckled at the scene and looked at Thor who was looking too smug for his own. I smirked and pushed against my thighs, putting myself up for the challenge of lifting the hammer. I thought that I might as well play along with their little game. Maria whooped in the background as I stood up and walked over to it. I had to stop myself from grinning at how stupid this whole situation was. I was actually quite determined to lift it._

 _I rolled up my sleeves, preparing myself to lift the weight, and scowled at it before placing both hands around the handle. I gripped it and used all my strength to pull it up, but it only moved a tiny bit. I readjusted my grip and pulled again, making the joints in my shoulders crack. I let go with a sigh and put my hands up in defeat. I considered it an achievement and went to sit back down next to Thor who said "Nothing" with a shrug as I walked past._

 _We gestured for Romanoff to try, but she rejected the offer to lift the hammer, saying that it wasn't a question she needed answered. "All deference to the Man Who Wouldn't Be King, but it's rigged."_

 _"You bet your ass." Clint said, clapping Tony on the back._

 _"Steve, he said a bad language word." Hill pointed out and I sighed, annoyed, though I secretly wondered how she found out about it. The mission was only this morning._

 _"Did you tell everyone about that?" I asked Tony, but he cut me off with an explanation as to why he couldn't lift the hammer. Someone earlier had mentioned about me telling off Stark on the mission. I glanced over at Maria who was trying to hold down a smirk from behind the beer she had in her hands. She put it on the table and couldn't help but smile playfully at me. I caught her eyes for a little longer than I should've and her smile faltered slightly when she realised that we were staring at each other. She pursed her lips after a few seconds and quickly averted her eyes to Thor who was now speaking. What was that about?_

 _The rest of that night didn't go entirely smoothly, Ultron ruining everything. A few of the team had been hurt and we immediately set on helping them as soon as Ultron was defeated, everyone convening in Tony's lab to talk about strategy. (A/N - In AOU Maria moves from the chair to the table, but in this version she is sitting on the table as she fixes her foot.)_

 _"We're the Avengers." Stark pointed out, his stern expression showing he was serious even though he was laughing only moments ago. Stark's always had the ability to make every situation funny to him. It was sick of it. "We can bust arms dealers all the livelong day, but that up there..." he said, pointing upwards. "that's...that's the endgame. How were you guys planning on beating that?"_

 _"Together." I replied as he stared at me. I could see fear playing underneath his eyes, a fear that I hadn't seen before, and I wondered what had caused it. Stark had done many stupid things in the past, but doing this was a step too far. I wasn't going to argue with him, because the team was healing. They didn't need an argument and neither did I._

 _He stepped towards me and said "We'll lose."_

 _I stood my ground. "Then we'll do that together too." I added. "Thor's right." I pressed my lips together and walked around the room. "Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller."_

 _"Well, I'm not going out there without any sleep and everyone could use a few winks. Cap?" Clint asked and I nodded._

 _"I'll get JAR...I'll wake everyone at six." I replied and they all nodded, forgetting the mistake I had made. JARVIS was gone, but I didn't mind as I didn't rely on him much. I preferred to do my own laundry and make my own coffee and do my own washing up rather than have a robot do it for me. It was another thing that I had brought from the 1940's that no one else seemed to understand. They argued that JARVIS was a machine and there was no point in making life hard for myself, but I took pleasure in doing the little chores that no one else seemed to find pleasant. Stark was the only one that didn't nod._

 _"I think I'll try and trace th-"_

 _"Stark." I sternly interrupted and he stopped moving towards the computers. "Go to sleep. That's an order." I told him and I could practically see him biting back his retort as he pushed himself away from the desk and went to his quarters. Stark was someone who worked too hard to protect everyone, but in the end he would need sleep to function properly._

 _Everyone cleared out of the lab to go and it left me time to think of a plan. I was in the middle of walking out when I noticed that Maria was still picking shards of glass out of her foot, her face contorting slightly when she caused herself too much pain. I could tell that she hadn't bothered to even use an anaesthetic._

 _"Do you need any help?" I asked and she quickly whipped her head around, startled to see me. "It's just me." I said, putting my hands up to show mercy. She smiled briefly and returned to taking the glass out of her foot._

 _"It's fine, I don't need any assistance." she said, but I walked over to her regardless. I stood next to the table she was sitting on top of and crossed my arms over my chest._

 _"Did you use a sedative?" I asked, leaning on the desk so that I could see the injury. There were only a few shards of glass left, but the bowl next to her showed the vast amount that she had already taken out._

 _She shook her head. "Romanoff does the same thing unless the pain is so bad she is going to pass out."_

 _"Why?" I asked. I didn't understand the point to doing it._

 _"You'll think we are mad, but we do it to learn from our mistakes." she informed me and winced as she pulled out another piece of glass. "JARVIS?" she called. "Could you scan my foot please?"_

 _Nothing happened and she groaned, realising that JARVIS no longer existed. "I can take a look, if you wish? Make sure that you didn't miss anything." I suggested and she looked at me hesitantly before nodding._

 _"I guess I could do with another pair of eyes on it." I carefully took her foot in my hand and noticed that it was hot from the blood being pumped to it. I held down a lamp so I could see properly and squinted to see if there was any glass left in the wound, but there didn't seem to be._

 _"Seems to be clear." I replied and stood up. When she looked in the direction of the first aid kit and reached forward to find some bandages, I reached out my hand to stop her, my fingers lightly curled around her wrist. "I'll do it." I said and gradually let go of my grip to get the bandages. I handed Maria some plasters to cover the mild scratches and she did so as I unravelled the bandage._

 _"Do you have a plan?" she asked and I sighed._

 _"Would it make you feel better if I said that I did?" I asked and held her foot once she had finished applying the plasters._

 _"We have a few hours to think of something." she said, looking over at the clock that must've read about 12 o'clock by now._

 _"We?" I asked as I held her ankle, wrapping the bandage around the base of her foot. A small amount of blood was leaking through the first layer, but I wrapped it correctly to stop any more of the blood flow._

 _"You don't think you're doing this alone, are you?" she asked and I stopped bandaging her foot to look at her. "I'm a lieutenant and used to be second in command at S.H.I.E.L.D. You could learn a thing or two from me." she said, an amused smile on her face, and I nodded._

 _"If you insist on helping, then we can go over a plan as soon as I've finished bandaging your foot." I said, smiling, and focused back to wrapping the bandage. I worked in silence for a while as I remembered what I had wanted to ask her a few hours ago, as well as a few years ago. "Can I...ask you something?" I asked as I grabbed a clip to pin the bandage with, glancing at her for a second as I reached over for one._

 _Maria looked sceptical about my question and replied "I have a feeling you're going to anyway..."_

 _"You know you have a way of..." I thought about which word to use that wouldn't offend her. "approaching situations in life without getting distracted or letting emotions cloud your judgement."_

 _"You could say that, yes." she replied as I fasten the clip between the bandage layers and checked the bottom of her foot for any blood. Seeing that there wasn't any there, I placed her foot back on the table and she sat on the side of the table, her legs hanging freely off of the edge._

 _"I wanted to ask whether you would be able to train me?" I asked, hoping that I wouldn't sound to crazy. She shrugged and nodded, making me feel relieved that she would help me. The thing about 'Special Agent Maria Hill' was that I couldn't always tell which side she was on. Sometimes it seemed that she lead with her heart, but others her head. I remember someone telling me that Maria Hill was against the Avengers initiative in the beginning. Working for Stark Industries let us all see that those thoughts are no longer in her head. Or maybe they hadn't gone and she was spying on us for Fury? Who could tell!_

 _"Seems like a reasonable request. After Ultron has been defeated, I will train you, if you still want to do so." she said and jumped off the counter, leaping back to lean against it and quickly lifting up her injured foot. She hissed through her teeth and I immediately went to her side, slipping my hand around her back to support her._

 _"Okay, that was stupid." she groaned and leaned against my hand for support. I had to put more pressure against her back to stop my hand slipping off the silk dress she was wearing. She turned her head to look at me. "You don't have to help me." she replied and I suddenly became aware of how close our bodies were. I was taller than Maria and could feel the short, hot breaths that she was incidentally blowing against my neck. I tightened my jawline and tried to ignore the feeling of her exhaling, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end._

 _"You're in pain. I'm not going to let you struggle." I replied and nodded over to the living room sofa. "Let's work over there." I slipped my hand further around her waist and gripped my fingers tight against her to prevent her from falling. She whimpered in pain after the first couple of steps and I knew that I couldn't let her limp over there knowing that I could help her further._

 _I stopped and she turned, looking at me suspiciously. "Please, don't shoot me for this." I said and quickly put one of my arms underneath her legs to carry her bridal-style to the sofa. She let a quiet 'woah' escape from her lips as she regained her balance, wrapping her hands around my neck. Maria was light and the super-soldier serum let me carry her easily over to the living room. I was surprised that she didn't hit me, but it was late and she seemed tired. I noticed her eyes drooping earlier when she was picking out the glass shards from her foot. "Are you well enough to stay awake? I would prefer you sleep, but-"_

 _"I said I would help you and I will." she said, determination in her voice. Her head was resting against my shoulder and her teasing breaths were clouding my head again. I felt a warm feeling spread across my chest but was relieved of it when I delicately placed her on the sofa in an upright position. I knew that it wasn't Maria herself that was distracting me, but the fact that I hadn't been that close to a woman in a while. The same thing happened with Natasha when she kissed me, but I didn't think anything about as I knew she was just doing it for the mission. "Thank you." she said and smoothed down her dress before we started to draft ideas about Ultron._

 _We only stayed up for half an hour, finding ourselves too tired to draft any plan that seemed like it would be successful. We couldn't find anything on the internet, we didn't have JARVIS, who was our usual resource, and we didn't know where Stark kept all the old files to research anything. I didn't want to wake up Tony as it was probably the only sleep he had had in the past three weeks._ _"Come on, we're not getting anywhere. Let's go to bed." I told her and pushed myself off of the floor. I was about to go and help her up, but she seemed to stand on her own. "Do you need any help this time?" I asked and she shook her head, but I noticed her steady herself with her arms._

 _"Thank you, Captain. But I'm quite alright."_ _I would've told her to drop the Captain, because it was not needed, but Natasha often called me Captain as a form of humour 'apparently'._

 _"Where will you be staying tonight?" I asked as we walked over to the elevator, my eyes constantly checking on Maria's foot to make sure she wasn't in any pain._

 _"Tony said that he would let me stay in my guest room on Avenger's sleeping floor. I slept in the guest room so often, too busy with work to go home, that he said I could keep the room here on a permanent basis. I find the room too luxurious sometimes._ I find Tony too generous sometimes as well. It's strange to see him concerned."

 _"I know what you mean..." I replied, thinking to how much all the Avenger's rooms must've cost. "But you are practically one of the team, so he would care about you." I said as we reached the elevator and I pressed the button. I looked at her and saw the mix of surprise and confusion on her face._

 _"Stark really thinks of me as an Avenger?" she asked, curiously._

 _"We all do." I replied as the lift doors opened and I entered. Maria stood rooted to the spot outside, staring at the floor as she took in my reply, until I coughed and she looked up at me. "You getting in?" I asked, gesturing to the elevator, and she nodded quickly before stepping inside the elevator. I pressed the button that took us to the Avenger's floor sleeping space and turned to Maria who wasn't leaning on her feet, putting all her weight on the right. She tried to hide it, but I saw the slight slant in her shoulders and I could see her biting her lip with force._

 _"Would you stop pretending you are alright and let me carry you, please?" I asked and she huffed in annoyance before lifting up an arm to put around my neck. I lifted her up from underneath her legs and, when she was in my arms, she wasn't rigid like before. She slouched a little more than last time, making it easier for me to hold her. Her head was at the top of my chest facing downwards, which, thankfully, meant that her breath wasn't on my neck._

 _"Are you scared about what Ultron's doing?" Maria asked and I sighed, staring ahead at the lift doors, though I could feel her eyes on me._

 _"Yes." I answered, seeing no point in lying to her._

 _"Do you think you can lead the team feeling like that?" she asked and I bit the inside of my lip, thinking over whether I could be the Captain the team needed or not. I had had many doubts over the years about being the leader, taking on the role purely because everybody else was busy, but I debated whether I had the leadership skills to dash out the orders._

 _"I don't know." I replied, honestly, and we waited in silence until the lift opened. I walked down the corridor with Maria in my arms, the silence between us making me feel uncomfortable. It was tense for me, especially since I had never been this close to a woman that I didn't know that well. I had saved many people in battle and carried them in that fashion, but I had never spoken to them before. They were strangers Natasha was the other end of the scale, our relationship as friends making me feel comfortable around her. But Maria made me feel something different that I couldn't figure out. Whatever it was, I was fond and not fond of it at the same time._

 _"Which door it it?" I asked, carrying her down the corridor passing a set of rooms that were all for guests._

 _"This one." she said, pointing to the one that we were nearly at. As soon as I reached her door, I carefully set her down on her feet and smiled at she scanned her thumb print against the scanner._

 _"Are you going to be alright?" I asked and she nodded, opening the door._

 _"I'll be okay, Captain." she replied, pushing the door further open to enter the room._

 _"Visit or call me if you need anything, okay?" I asked and she nodded again, her face not letting slip any signs of emotion._

 _"Understood, Cap." she replied and nearly shut the door before adding "Goodnight."_

 _"Goodnight, Maria." I replied and watched as her white door shut, leaving me staring at the blank colour with an odd feeling circulating my chest. I shook my head and made my way towards my room, trying to figure out why she was confusing me so badly. I didn't like her in a way as more than a friend. I didn't trust her either._

 _The next morning, we went over the plans, Maria now wearing heels after being healed by the regeneration equipment Dr. Cho had left in the tower from healing Barton. Thankfully, Ultron hadn't taken that._

 _The next few days were utter madness, Ultron wreaking havoc throughout every continent. We had lost Natasha and it pained me to think about how Clint must've felt when I ordered him to leave her behind. She meant more to him that she could imagine and we all saw it. I was prepared to die at this battle, telling Tony that I had no plans tomorrow night as I came to terms with why I was alive. I was here to serve. In the beginning, I didn't really have a purpose, but, once I found my way with S.H.I.E.L.D, I did. I thought I was going to die in DC and, by some miracle, I didn't. However, that didn't mean I felt any differently, the dedication to saving people still in my heart. I would never give up trying to save them._

"Ultron knows we're coming." I said, making up a speech on the spot as I spoke to the group. I was the leader, one who was put out to inspire the Avengers, along with the nation. Instead of motivating the group, I told them the truth. "Odds are we'll be riding into heavy fire. And that's what we signed up for. But the people of Sokovia, they didn't." I added, directing that part at Pietro, who I hoped was listening. "So our priority is getting them out. All they want is to live their lives in peace. And that's not gonna happen today. But we can do our best to protect them. And we can get the job done. We find out what Ultron's been building, we find Romanoff, and we clear the field. Keep the fight between us."

I looked at the ground, deep in thought as I remembered what Maria had said, about me being scared and not capable of being a leader. I felt like a monster, like someone that wasn't supposed to be in the world, but I did my best to protect the one that I had, even though that I knew some people didn't favour the Avengers. I often found myself wondering whether I should go back under, maybe it was the best thing. If we lost this battle, I was going to do so, because I didn't see the point of being there if I couldn't protect the world properly. They could de-ice me when they needed me, but I couldn't keep living knowing that I was a monster in the people's eyes. I didn't tell anyone about my plans, deciding that it was best if everyone's attention was focused on the mission. I would get in contact with Fury after the battle somehow.

"Ultron thinks we're monsters, that we're what's wrong with the world. This isn't just about beating him. It's about whether he's right."

The evacuation seemed easy enough, Ultron not bothering us as we began evacuating the Sokovians, but as I heard Stark talking, I also heard the sound of machines whirring to life. As soon I saw robots begin to converge on the country, I immediately started fighting, trying to protect as many people as possible at the same time. The ground started to crumble and I panicked, realising that the bridge I was standing on was lifting up from the ground.

I listened to the screams of the people and tried to zone out of Ultron's speech, but found myself tuning into every world as I felt the country rise above the rest of the world. "Do you see...the beauty of it? The inevitability. You rise, only to fall. You, Avengers, you are my meteor. My swift and terrible sword. And the earth will crack with the weight of your failure. Purge me from your computers, turn my own flesh against me. It means nothing. When the dust settles, the only thing living in this world..." I heard a robot creep up from behind me and I immediately threw my shield at it. "will be metal." Ultron finished and I shook my head, calling my shield back to me and returning to battle mode as I took out more robots.

 **Sorry, that was a little smuttier than I intended, but please don't be angry at me.**

 **Review? Haven't gotten any yet!**


	3. Panic

**i would like to apologise for not updating in so long, I am really sorry. I won't be showing Steve's feeling during Pietro's 'death', because I really want to move this story along and progress with the stories that are linked to this one. If you haven't checked them out yet, please go on my author's page and look at the one's that mention 'The Resurrection of Pietro Maximoff'. Thank you!**

 **Response to review:**

 **Rohanyoshi - Thank you! You are my only reviewer so far, so I really appreciate it! Yeah, they won't be moving too fast, don't worry :)**

I walked defeatedly back into the helicarrier and immediately locked eyes with Sam who was standing there. I was tired from the battle, Pietro's death weighing heavily upon me. Sam approached and said "You were brilliant out there.", grasping his hand in a firm grip. Sam was one of my best friends and I could always rely on him to be there for me, as could the world. He clapped me on the back and gave a modest shrug.

"Thanks." he replied simply and smiled sadly at me.

"Are you going to stay around for a while?" I asked, fighting of a wince as I clutched my side, a pain shooting through my abdomen. I ignored it and tried to focus on Sam. The pain was bearable, but not comfortable.

"I think so." he replied and then turned out to face the rest of the helicarrier, taking it all in for a few seconds before an agent came to talk to him. Quietly, I moved out of everyone's way and stood to the left of the door, not focusing on the agents who were flowing trying to help the Sokovians get the attention they needed. The only thing I could hear was them all crying.

Each helicarrier had a similar layout and there was most likely a map on one of the walls, but I found myself unable to move from the spot I was frozen in. I wasn't in the way and no one seemed to notice me, which brought me some comfort. I was taken out of my daze when I heard someone cough from beside me. I felt my eyes move up to look at the woman that coughed, but my head seemed to lack the energy to lift. Maria was standing there, her eyes dropping from a lack of sleep and her posture slightly slouched. She smiled sadly at me and took another step towards me as she avoided a Sokovian that was crying into the arms of an agent.

"I'll show you to your room." She said and began walking. I followed her, feeling a little like a lost puppy that was trying to find it's home. I knew I looked horrific, but I didn't care about my appearance. Everyone was covered in mud and blood and...bullets. I stopped walking in the middle of the corridor and tried to take a deep breath, but found myself unable to do so. We had won, but all I could feel was guilt from Pietros death. I could've been there with Clint and helped stop it...somehow. I could've changed the situation completely, but I left the child with Hawkeye.

The panic in my chest was rising and I couldn't seem to find a way to stop it. I tried to breath normally so that no flags would be raised, but I felt myself find it harder and harder to inhale. My breathing was becoming laboured and I felt my head spin slightly, dizziness overcoming me. For a moment, the corridor was blurry, a mixture of Hill's black suit and the greyish walls of the helicarrier.

I felt my knees buckle and sweat droplets form on my forehead, but forced myself to stay upright, hoping that the room was nearby. I couldn't understand how it was possible. My asthma stopped as soon as I had the serum, which is why I was so confused. It made me panic even more.

"Here we are." Hill said, opening the door that I guessed was my room. I kept my chest as still as possible when I walked past her, hoping that she didn't see how anxious I was.

I walked in as my thoughts started to race in my mind, taking over me. Pietro died and it was all my fault. I was the leader and I should've been there to save him. We were slowly going to be picked off, one by one. I was going to lose everyone. Nat, Sam, Maria, Clint, even Tony. Gone. Wanda's projection in my head had been a prediction, not just my fear. Being alone was my one and only fear and it was going to become true. I couldn't be alone again.

And then it started. The uncomfortable familiarity of panic. The short, rasping breath and my pounding heart, trying to calm down from it's rate of 1000 BPM, that thought making it beat faster. When I first woke up in the 21st century, I was situated in a bungalow with no one around me. I felt so alone, which created the panic attack. It took me half an hour to calm myself down, but that was the last time that it happened.

White spots were beginning to dot in my vision and it felt like a swarm of bats were fluttering in my lungs. The world was becoming a blur before me and the fear of my body being beyond my control took over my mind, nothing but fear building up.

"Rogers, are you alright?" Maria asked as I put my trembling hand against the wall to steady myself. I heard her shut the door and walk over to me, an urgency to her stride. I looked at her, trying to make out the features of her face, but could only see her brown eyes that seemed to stand out against the rest of her.

I felt my knees buckle beneath me and arms come around my back, slowly helping me to sit down on the floor, my back resting on the wall. My hand shot up to my chest, attempting to relieve some of the pain pressing down on my lungs as I struggled to breathe. I couldn't breathe in.

"Steve!" Maria shouted, trying to catch my attention, but my eyes were welded shut, trying to ignore the volume of her voice. "What do I do?" She asked in a softer tone, noticing my wince. I opened my eyes. I could see most of her face now, the background losing focus and the foreground becoming clearer. I could tell that she had no idea how to deal with the attack and my breaths got shallower. I tried to speak, to tell her to get Sam, someone who would know what to do and how to calm me. But I didn't have the energy, or oxygen, to get the words out. I saw Sam earlier, so he couldn't have gone back into the battle...could he? Maybe Sam was gone, just like Pietro. Maybe they were all dead.

"Steve?" Maria said, bringing her hands up to my face, directing it to look at her. Her hands were cold against my feverish skin that had become hot and sweat covered. "I'm going to get help. Stay calm, okay?" A pain shot through my forehead, my eyes quickly shutting from the suddenness of it. By the time I opened my eyes, she was gone, the sound of the door shutting the only reminder that she was ever there.

I tried to stay calm, like Maria said, and think about the people that were left, but I couldn't stop thinking about the danger they were all in. My breathing got worse when she left, the blur across my eyes thickening. My entire body was shaking and it felt like my heart was having palpitations, the pain from my abdomen wound not helping. I gripped the carpet tightly, willing the filling of suffocation to go away, but it was no use. My mouth was dry, a choking sensation aggravating my throat. My ears were loudly ringing and my fingers were tingly and nausea started to build inside me and I couldn't breathe and-

I suddenly felt a weight on my shoulder and tried to move away, but I couldn't. I felt under even more stress and I tried to breathe. Was I under attack? A female voice sounded from beside me and I guess that it was Maria, which eased my mind, but didn't calm the rising panic. The voice was muffled, so I couldn't make out what they'd said. Another voice spoke from somewhere, a males voice, and as my sight improved, I realised it was Sam. "Steve?" He said and I attempted to nod, knowing that I couldn't speak, but any movement made me dizzy. I was feeling more and more faint, not being able to breathe in any air. I thought I was going to die. All of Tony's jokes about me having a heart attack were coming true. Sam held out his hand to me and I gripped it tightly, trying anything to surface from the water I felt I was drowning in. I only just managed to hear what he was saying. "I know you are trying to breath in and I know you can't, but I need you to relax for me."

I stared at him, knowing that he must be right. He was my friend, so he wouldn't lie to me. He was also trained in dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, so he must've known how to deal with panic attacks. But I couldn't relax. I didn't know how.

"You need to breathe out, okay?" I looked at him sceptically. "Breathe out, it will allow you to breathe in." I felt as if I didn't have enough air, so if I breathe out, surely I would be getting rid of the air I already had. I never usually got scared, but I was. The plan was ridiculous. The need for oxygen was becoming unbearable. "Do it. Breathe out." He ordered sternly as I squeezed his hand tighter.

Deciding to listen to Sam, I nodded and prepared myself. _Would I pass out? Would I did?_ I pushed these barriers aside as I listened to my friend and breathed out.

I took a large gasp of air, filling my lugs to their limit as I found myself able to breath properly. "Now, take deep breaths." He told me, easing his hand out of mine and placing his other hand on my shoulder. I leant back against the wall, the only thing in the room that seemed to be still, and shut my eyes, finally getting relief. I relaxed, grounding myself to the two voices in the room.

"What?" I heard Sam ask Maria. I wasn't concentrating on the conversation, but the voices meant I wasn't alone and that gave me some comfort as I regained my normal breathing rate.

"I've just...never seen that done before." I didn't say it, more like I couldn't say it, but I did feel sorry for Maria. She only ever seemed to see me when I was in trouble. I felt sympathetic that she couldn't help me this time. She always had to deal with my problems and it was unfair.

"It's often for new people at the meetings to get panic attacks, so I did my research and tried out a bunch of methods, all of which worked, but this is one seemed to be the most effective." He explained. I continued breathing calmly, trying to understand what had happened without causing another attack. "Don't worry, most people don't know how to treats panic attack."

"I..." My voice sound raspy, like I had been smoking cigars for the past twelve hours without stopping, as if I were speaking for the first time of that day. I cleared my throat and started again, hoping that I wouldn't sound as strangled. "I don't...get them any...more..." I replied, lifting my head to look at them, my words broken up as I kept losing my breath. I noticed Sam's analysing gaze, checking that I was coping okay. I could see Maria doing the same, thought I could see her embarrassment from not knowing how to help me earlier. My head was pounding slightly, but not as much as before.

"What's happened to you, man?" Sam asked, looking at me, then Maia, then back to me.

"We were walking into the room..." Maria started, making me notice that she was standing behind Sam. "And he started breathing oddly, faster than usual."

"No, what has happened to him?" He asked. Maria had explained was had happened and I looked at him in a confused way, feigning innocence and pretending to not know what he was talking about. I clenched my jaw, hoping that he wouldn't notice that something else was effecting me. "I can't tell whether this is to do with the battle or not, but you seem..." His eyes drifted to look at me. "I dunno, but it's not you." I shut my eyes and sighed, hoping that I didn't wince as the flashbacks ran through my head. Me and Peggy. Dancing. Then everyone was gone. In an instant. That's what started the panic - the thought of losing everyone and everything. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I was going to tell him that it was just the battle that tired me out, when Maria spoke up.

"Is it Wanda's fault?" My eyes snapped open to look at her. I could see the concern on her face, but I felt irritated with her. Sam was a therapist, so if he found out what happened to me and realised that I wasn't okay, he would undoubtedly book some sessions with me. I didn't want people fussing over me, because it would be a waste of time - there were more important issues in the world to deal with.

"Who?" Sam asked. He had probably forgotten about the names during the battle, only being added quickly to it.

"Wanda Maximoff. You know the girl that you fought with, the one with red powers?" I dipped my head, the memories associated with those powers being unfriendly in my mind. "Did you also hear the rumour about a man too fast to see and a glowing red woman who showed people their fears?"

"In the Avengers newspaper?" Sam asked. I shut my eyes, continuing to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth as I recovered. Distracting myself, I thought of the newspaper and an interview I did their once. All the papers for that week were special Captain America edition. They even brought up Peggy, which I was surprised by.

"Wanda Maximoff is, what the newspaper call her, Scarlet Witch. She showed Steve, Nat, Thor and, I think, Tony their fear. I..." My eyes caught with Maria's, her brown irides seeming peaceful among the chaos going on. They were lighter than I first realised, only looking at them properly four days ago when Ultron attacked and I had to carry her to her room. "I don't know what she showed him." I panicked, not knowing where to look as my thoughts raced. I didn't want to tell them. _How would I? To tell them I'm scared of being alone? I would sound pathetic._

"If you want me to go, I can." Maria suggest and I shook my head slowly. I couldn't sit here and mope all day, even if I still felt light-headed.

"No, it's fine. We need to set up for this meeting."

"Steve, if you don't want to go the others won't be-" A buzz from Sam's phone interrupted her, but she continued. "The others won't be offended." she said, concern lacing her voice.

"You're a nutjob." Sam muttered, staring at his phone. For a minute, I thought he was talking about Maria who had raised an eyebrow at Sam's sudden comment. Before I could defend Hill's honour he explained who the insult was for. "Stark." he said, holding up the phone as an explanation. I wasn't surprised, people said things like that about Stark all the time. "We need to go and see Fury for some reason, but I'll tell him you'll be there soon. I'll make something up." I nodded and tried my best to smile at him. Sam was truly a saint. I would have to make it up to him somehow, because he had become a constant help to find Bucky, talking when I had no one else to turn to, running even though I would always be ahead of him. 'I let you win' he would always say to me each time we raced. He wasn't a replacement for Bucky, I hope he knew that, but he was the closest friend I had at the moment.

"Thank you, Sam." I tried to ignore the raspy way my voice sounded, but it was obvious. My lungs were only half filled with each inhalation.

"Do not let him leave this room until he can walk by himself and breathe normally." he ordered, Maria nodding in reply. I rolled my eyes at Sam's caring nature.

"Yes, Sir." Maria replied, giving a mock salute to Sam that made me smile. Sam winked at Maria, which she rolled her eyes at, but I could see the smirk on her face also. If I didn't know Sam, I would believe that he was trying to charm Maria, but I did know him and I also knew that he winked at every woman in the Avengers Tower.

Sam walked out the door and left us alone together. I wasn't completely comfortable with it, but it wasn't unbearable. Me and Maria were friends, but it still felt awkward between us somehow. I felt she and Sam were better friends than us, even though I spent more time with Maria at the Tower discussing missions. Sam was a guy that could talk to anyone though, which made me a little jealous. He had girls swooning around him and he knew what to do. I had girls swooning around me and I had no idea how to deal with it, which was why I have never had a girlfriend...at the age of 98. I didn't mind it, because I was too busy to even think about having a girlfriend. Biologically, I was 31 and I constantly thought of myself as that, but whenever anyone mentioned the ice or I saw something between 1918 and 1945, I would immediately feel out of place. Out of time.

I looked at Maria, her prying eyes already locked on my drooping ones. "I'm sorry." she said, surprising me as I had never heard her apologise before.

"Sam would've found out...about Wanda eventually." I said, pausing mid-sentence to take a breath.

"I am sorry for that, but I'm talking about not being able to help you." There was an apologetic look in her eyes and I wanted for nothing more than it to leave her.

"It wasn't...your fault." I said, my lungs still not breathing properly. Regardless, I pushed my hand against the wall and tried to stand up, bracing my other hand on the floor to push up. I would've failed miserably to do so if Maria hadn't quickly slipped her arm around my back, guiding me to sit on a chair.

"You are not going anywhere. Falcon's orders." she said, a small amount of amusement in her voice. I wanted to scoff and ask if she enjoyed seeing me suffer, but I was putting all my energy into getting to the chair. I finally slumped down in the plastic black chair, not finding it comfortable, but at least I was half way to standing. Feeling completely worn out, audibly panting from my lack of energy, I let my arms drop by my sides, my head only just managing to stay upright. "What are those?" I turned my head to see her eyes stuck on my neck. I lifted my hand and felt my chain there, a piece of memorabilia that I was given after I re-surfaced.

"Dog tags from World War 2 when I fought." I said, adjusting the collar on my uniform to pull them out. I ran my hand over the curved edges and writing, the engravings memorised in my head. "They were round my neck when I went into the ocean and I have them on me all the time, but I take them off for sleeping. I wear them around my neck all the time."

"I haven't seen them before." she said, looking at them curiously.

"I never have them on show when I'm around other people. When I can't hide them under my shirt, I keep them in my pocket." I replied, running my hands over the metal. They grounded me somehow when I was in battle or training, the sound of two pieces of metal clinking not serving as a distraction, but as a reminder of who I was. Erskine's words echoed through my ears. _You must promise me one thing. Is that you will stay who you are, not the perfect soldier, but a good man._ The tags made me feel at home. "My suit was upgrade, so the only two things I really have from the past are the dog tags and the shield." I was proud of myself for getting through a couple of sentences without gasping for air, but I did feel more light headed by the end of speaking.

"Don't forget the Captain America title." she replied, a small smile rising on her face. It was infectious, but in a good way.

"How could I forget?" Sometimes I wished that I never had the title bestowed upon me. It were as if Captain America was all I was anymore, Steve Rogers forgotten. I immediately found relation to the Harry Potter series, a set of books that Sam suggested I read. Steve Rogers was the boy under the stairs and Captain America was the boy who lived, everyone suddenly taking an interest in him.

"It must be hard sometimes, having all that pressure?" Maria suggested like she could read my mind. It was difficult like Maria said, but I knew she was trying to dig deep for details, pretending to be a therapist. I knew she was only concerned, but I didn't want to talk about it.

"Why? Are you considering becoming an Avenger?" I asked, putting my dog tags back against my chest. She had a skill set that nearly matched Natasha's, but Natasha had the advantage of the serum, so it was impressive that she could meet up.

"I've already had this conversation with Nat." she said, exhaustively. "100% no. I am perfectly happy being the Avenger's assistant." She was given that role after only a few months of working for Stark when he realised how much potential she had. Also, Pepper was fed up with dealing with the Avenger's paperwork.

"We'll persuade you one day." I put my hand on the chair and pushed myself to stand.

Maria took a little step closer, a small amount of worry in her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay now?"

I nodded as I stepped away from the chair and slowly tucked it underneath the desk. "I'm fine." I didn't have to lie to her, but I wouldn't have her worry about me. My breathing was back to normal, but I could tell that my mind would still be thinking about what had happened for weeks. I saw something flash across her eyes, but before I could tell what it was, it was gone, her face becoming tight and professional like it was before the panic attack.

"Okay." she replied, an unsure tone filling her voice that confirmed she didn't believe me. I was glad that she didn't push the subject, instead walking over to the door to open it. "Do you need me to send a doctor to get that fixed?" she asked, gesturing to my abdomen.

I shook my head. "I think it's just a bruise forming. It's not serious, so I don't think it'll need any stitches."

She nodded and smiled formally at me, placing her hand on the width of the door. "Once your changed, remember that Fury wants to speak to you." she said and I smiled at her gratefully. Before I could thank her for helping me, she had shut the door and I was alone again.

I found some clothes that were left in the cupboard, a black shirt and some grey sweats, each piece of clothing having a S.H.I.E.L.D logo on. I lifted my shirt and saw a nasty purple bruise forming on my stomach, a small amount of dried blood across it from a battle wound. I ignored it and pulled down the shirt again, going out through the door.

On my way towards Fury's office, I noticed that the corridor's seemed clearer, only agents in uniforms in sight. I met Tony on the way who was accompanied by Vision and James. "Capsicle!" Tony shouted and I refrained myself from getting irritated by the man.

"Stark." I greeted and then smiled at James and Vision.

"Mr. Rogers, would you like to accompany us to visit Miss Maximoff?" I nodded, realising that I hadn't had the chance to see Wanda and apologise for everything that had happened.

I walked with the team, going past Fury and Sam who were sitting at a table together, discussing something intently. "Birdboy, we are going to see Wanda. You coming?" Tony asked and I rolled my eyes. Birdboy was a nickname Tony had given to Sam and, unfortunately, Tony's nicknames seemed to stick.

Sam looked at Fury, seeming to be asking for permission to leave. "This conversation can be continued at another time." the commander replied, going to his podium to look over his agents. Sam stood up and walked over to me, tagging onto the back of the group as we walked towards Pietro's room.

Sam's eyebrows knotting in concern when he saw me. "You feel any better?" he asked and I nodded, taking a deep breath to prove that I could breathe again.

"Much better, thank you." I said as Tony opened a door and we turned down another corridor.

"Don't thank me, thank Maria. She's the one who came rushing to tell me to come and help you." I reminded myself to thank her later. She deserved a thank you. I saw Natasha half way down the long corridor as we walked down and Clint was running towards us, but two seconds later he was already past us.

"Widow, mind explaining why Barton looks happier than when he drank 20 cups of coffee in under half an hour?" Stark asked.

"Come and see for yourself." she called back as we walked closer to her.

Tony shook his head and replied "You ruin all my fun." Everyone looked through the window to see what was going on, but I was looking at Natasha. I noticed Natasha not looking her normal self. The tops of her cheeks were redder than usual and looked...raw? Had she been crying?

I told myself to talk about it later when we entered the room and that was when I realised that Pietro's chest was moving up and down. He was alive.

 **Please review, because I'll probably update quicker that way. Also, your reviews really make my day :) Thank you so much for reading! Sorry if there were any mistakes. Please point them out if I have any!**


	4. The New Girl

**Sorry for not updating in a while! I needed time to recuperate! Enjoy!**

 **THANK YOU TO THE GUEST THAT REVIEWED!**

 **Previously:**

 **Everyone looked through the window to see what was going on, but I was looking at Natasha. I noticed Natasha not looking her normal self. The tops of her cheeks were redder than usual and looked...raw? Had she been crying?**

 **I told myself to talk about it later when we entered the room and that was when I realised that Pietro's chest was moving up and down. He was alive.**

"Right, what in Asgard is going on?" Tony said as we walked into the room. We were met with Pietro who was on the bed, breathing perfectly normally as if he hadn't died at all. _This is a very weird day._ "Who's this dude?" he asked rudely and I rolled my eyes. I secretly felt glad that Sam decided to jab him in the ribs and tell him to think of his manners.

"Sorry...who's this dudette?" he asked, but we all knew his apology meant nothing. Tony's lack of politeness irritated me. He always told me off for having too much manners, but he definitely need some himself. There was a dame in the room that I didn't recognise, a pen held in her hand, frozen, as she stared at the people who had intruded into the room. I guessed that she was the nurse. Wanda was on the other side of the bed, holding Pietro's hand as she frowned at us.

"Nice to meet you officially, Agent Moore." Natasha said, stepping past us to shake hands with the woman. 'Agent Moore' didn't seem like a familiar name, but there were many agents in the world and it got confusing to keep track of all their titles.

"Likewise, Agent Romanoff." she replied, a sweetness to her voice that made me smile slightly. This woman was polite, something that I liked with anyone that I met. I knew that I would get along with her. Perhaps dating her would get Natasha off of my back. I immediately shook the thoughts out of my head as Natasha introduced us all.

"This is Steve, James, Sam Vision and Tony." she introduced. I nodded my head at her as she looked at me, a smile coming up to her lips. It faltered slightly as she saw Vision, but pushed it up her face again. Seeing Vision must've been a little unsettling for anyone who hadn't seen an android before. Fortunately, being on the Avengers team, we were used to that kind of thing, and didn't make a fuss over his robotic features. I looked over Pietro's torso and saw a series of bruises, blood and scratches that made me wince. _Poor kid._

"Okay, is anybody going to tell me what is going on?" Tony asked. I grit my teeth and was about to tell him to stop being so rude, but Riley cut in.

"My name is Agent Riley Moore. I'm not a dudette, I'm a field agent and occasionally a medical agents. 'What's going on' is that this guy has just come back from the dead and I have no idea what his flipping power is, so I can't make a conclusion." The woman was full of a fire I had never seen before and it intrigued me. Natasha had an attitude, but this woman was something different. She was a beautiful woman that seemed to be professional, but from her outburst, it seemed she could stick up for herself well enough. I saw her eyes widen at her realisation that she had just insulted an Avenger. I had to stop myself from chuckling at how sweet she was.

"That's impossible." Vision said, pulling me out of my thoughts. I shook my head, knowing that I couldn't be thinking about the new nurse at a time like this. I had to focus on the job at hand. Pietro had been brought back to life and I needed to concentrate.

"It's true. He has a pulse." the nurse said.

"I believe it is because of his abilities." Clint said from behind us, obviously returning from meeting Fury. He ran so fast to get to Fury that it wasn't a surprise he was back so quick.

"Would someone please tell me what his abilities are?" she asked, sounding angry. I frowned at her sudden aggitation. She seemed frustrated and quick tempered, but she might have had a long day. Her eyes looked tired and her posture was slightly slumped. It had been a long day for all of us.

"He has increased speed." I told her, hoping that it would cheer her up a bit.

"Thank you." she said, sighing in relief, only catching my eyes for a second, before looking down at her notes. I was happy for her thanks and wanted to say that it was no problem, but she started speaking again. "Because of those abilities, I agree with Clint's hypothesis. I believe that because he has an increased rate of speed, his body has a faster healing rate. That is why he returned."

"He's always healed faster." Wanda commented.

"Seems plausible. Well, coming back from the dead is something very impression to put on your resume." Sam chimed in and I smirked to myself, huffing a short laugh at his humour.

"I guess it would make him stand out from the other candidates." Clint said and the two boys grinned at each other.

"Back to the point, he's alive." I said, knowing that the team were getting off topic. "So, we check his medical health and then train him like we planned originally before he was shot. Agreed?" They all nodded in response and I made a mental note to check the plan over with Fury just in case he had any plans for us, but I doubt that he did. We were still doing the job we always did - protect.

"We'll just have to wait for him to wake up." Wanda said as she stroked Pietro's forehead with her hand.

"Don't think you'll have to wait that long. I think he's waking up right now." Rhodey said, drawing all of ours eyes onto the Sokovian's sleeping form.

"Pietro!" Wanda shouted and leaned closer to her brother as his eyes fluttered open. I couldn't see his face completely, but I could see the person he was looking - the nurse. After a few seconds of silence, Pietro's gaze not moving from the girl, Wanda spoke up.

"Pietro?" she questioned, but he kept staring, like he was hooked on her eyes. They were beautiful. The nurse blushed slightly and smiled, Pietro turning his head once she did, like he was waiting for her to smile at him before he paid attention to Wanda.

"Wanda?" Pietro asked and pulled the woman in question into a hug, but I looked back at the girl who was now blushing. Two seconds and Pietro already had a woman wrapped round his finger. _How did he have that ability? Why didn't I?_ It was a stupid question to ask, but she seemed like a nice woman, not like a woman who would just be with him because he was an Avenger. It seemed like the only women who were interested in me weren't actually interested in _me_ at all. They cared about the Captain, not Steve Rogers.

I shook the thoughts from my head and focused on the situation. "Errr...Pietro?" I asked to call his attention away from his worrying sister. "Do you understand what happened to you?" I asked as he pulled away from Wanda.

"We get killed we walk it off right?" he asked, his accent strong, and a smile rose on his face. I laughed at his reference to earlier and smiled at him.

"Don't start walking just yet though. We need to make sure that you are back in shape first."

"How are you feeling, Mr. Maximoff?" the beautiful nurse said and I frowned at the idea that I thought she was beautiful. She was beautiful, but I couldn't think that way. It was disrespectful. I straightened my back and focused. _No more thinking about the girl._

"Pietro." he insisted. "And who are you?"

"I'm Riley Moore." she greeted. "I was assigned by Director Fury to examine your body after your death...which obviously isn't the cast anymore. So I...um...am guessing that I will now be your nurse, an occupation that I am fully qualified for I assure you."

"Switching from a medical examiner into a doctor? Quite a career change." Pietro replied with a smirk.

"Well I like to keep things fresh." she said, making him laugh. Suddenly, the laugh turned into a cough and I frowned at the unhealthy noise that his throat was making. "I'm sorry. I s-shouldn't have done that." she said, helping him sit up on his bed.

"Don't worry about it." he said as he took a glass of water from Wanda, drinking the whole thing down.

"I will have to finish attaching the wires to you to examine your vital signs. I hope this is alright?"

"Do what you have to do."

"Is your head feeling okay now?" Wanda asked in concern and I smiled at the pair of them. They would be good for the team, if they were both willing to be on it. I heard Clint speak to Wanda and it seemed like she was ready for it. Whatever Wanda did, her brother seemed to follow.

"A little sore, but I'll survive." I frowned, confused about what she was talking about, but my concerns were soon raised.

"What happened to you?" Rhodey asked and the once confidence nurse suddenly looked quite vulnerable.

"I erm..."

"Quick kid here hit Riles with his chest." Clint answered, throwing a piece of popcorn into his mouth. I raised an eyebrow at the nurse who was turning very red, very quickly.

"I did what now?" Pietro asked, looking between Clint, Wanda and Riley for an answer.

"Do not call me Riles." the nurse warned, her face getting redder and redder.

"I'm really sorry." Pietro apologised and she shook her head.

"Don't worry about it." she assured him and went back to her notes.

"How come I hit your head with my chest?" he inquired, sounding innocent, but I could see the smallest smile growing on his face. She looked at him with worry and then to Wanda and then to us and then back to Pietro.

"I was examining your wounds. I had to get quite close to your chest to do so. Sorry, I phrased that wrong! I'm always doing that. I just meant t-that I mean I was examining your wounds, just examining them. I was curious as to why you healed so um...so fast and that's why I was so close. I would never be that close to your chest unless it was require m-medically or unless you asked me to...which you wouldn't in the first place." The girl needed to breathe more, that was obvious.

I looked around at the others and we all looked like we were about to burst out laughing at the girls inability to stop talking. "Does this mean that I'm immortal by the way?" Pietro asked after a long silence that made the girl almost turn purple.

"Getting shot, yes. Being decapitated...probably not." _Tony Stark...always helpful..._

"Are you going to be okay here for about an hour? We need to finish speaking with Fury about what happened in Sokovia." Clint said. I realised from when Clint decided to pick Pietro up himself that he had developed a connection with him, a father-like role, a protectiveness that I saw in Wanda also.

"Good food, a babbling nurse." he said, winking at the nurse. I almost groaned at his easy way of flirting with women. She was blushing, yet again."I think I'm gonna be fine resting here for about another hour."

"I'll speak to you later okay?" Wanda said and kissed him on the forehead as we began to walk out of the room, me and Sam waving goodbye to the man as we left. He smiled and waved back.

"Goodbye sister." he said to Wanda as we shut the door and left he Sokovian with the nurse.

"She's going to be trouble." Sam told me as we walked together towards Fury's podium in the central hub. The corridors were filled with Sokovians, most of them smiling up at us and thanking us, comments to which I nodded my head and smiled at, but a few were scowling at us and holding their families close. I wanted to go and apologise to each and everyone for what happened to their country and their people, but I knew that we didn't have time.

"Who? The nurse?" I questioned. He was probably right. Her and Pietro would probably cause some sort of trouble. I mean, he had already knocked her to the floor with his chest, so I was sure that they would get up to more mischief.

Sam nodded. "Is she being assigned to him when he returns to the tower?"

It was a good question, but, unfortuantely, I didn't know the answer. I would have to ask Fury about it. "I have no id-"

Screaming came from behind us and I spun round quickly, seeing Natasha's arm being gripped tightly by one of the Sokovian women. I stepped forward to reach Nat before the woman could reach her shoulder with her other hand, but Clint intercepted quickly, snatching the the Sokovian's hand before she could touch Natasha.

"Would you be so kind as to unhand the young lady?" he said, sounding sweet and threatening at the same time. Clint was a strong warrior, excellent marksman and skilled archer, but nothing could quite compare to his compassion, particularly for Natasha. There was something going on between them and I needed to speak to Clint. He was letting go of his chance on having someone that he truly loved and I couldn't watch him lose it like I had. I knew Natasha was complicated and love wasn't in her vocabulary, but she was different around the archer. Perhaps it wasn't love...but it was something.

"Would you rather me fight _you_ instead?" the woman said, crinkling her nose in disgust at him as she turned to grip his uniform, letting Natasha go. I saw her tense up tighter at her partner in danger.

"You can try." Clint replied with the arrogance he always had when facing an opponent. We couldn't have a fight on our hands today though...not after everything that had happened already.

"And if you challenge him, then you challenge us too." Tony said, taking a few steps forward also.

"Now, hang on. Nobody should be challenging anyone." Everyone turned to me and I felt so tired, like I could almost fall asleep standing right there. The battle had taken more out of me than I was willing to admit. I felt completely and utterly drained, a lack of motivation making me not want to give the argument for everyone to stop fighting. "We..." I began, but couldn't feel like I could continue. I clenched my jaw and tried to focus, but couldn't seem to think of the right words to say.

"We did our best to save Sokovia without causing too much damage." Sam said from beside me and I looked up at him, a grateful look in my eye. He gave a small smile and continued. I turned my eyes back to the floor and listened as I put my hand up against the side of the ship framework.

"The bombs that damaged your country all those years ago were not Stark's fault, because they were stolen weapons. We will always do our best to protect you and everyone else in the world. Please, try and understand that. We understand that-"

"You don't understand a single thing..." The Sokovian who had been holding Clint let his uniform slip through her fingers as she turned to look at Sam. I wanted to argue with her and tell her she was wrong, but I couldn't find the energy. "I had everything taken away from me. My parents were killed during the bombings, my sister was murdered by aliens in Manhattan and my husband died in DC during the reveal of HYDRA. Now you have destroyed my home."

Her story made me want to break down right there, but I couldn't. Not in-front of everyone. "I'm sorry." Sam said and looked around the room. "I am sorry for the people that you have lost. We all are." I looked at Sam, who I could see was trying to hold it together. He took a breathe and continued, eyes shining with tears. I was so grateful that he was doing this for me. I couldn't talk to anyone in my state.

"HYDRA has taken many that we love." I winced as images of Peggy flooded through my mind, leaving her in 1945 and waking up in the twenty-first century without her. The guilt was overwhelming sometimes and I could feel my heart clenching as I thought of how irresponsible I had been in the past. HYDRA had taken Peggy, Bucky, the commandos, everyone from my past life was gone. Dead. "But making us weak is not what they are going to do. The Avengers are not killers. We are protectors. And we will always protect you."

 _Who's gonna protect me?_ I thought silently, but quickly followed Sam when he made to leave. I felt weak, weaker than I ever had before. The panic attacks were back and I felt like I didn't have the ability to protect anyone. I felt helpless.

We arrived at Fury's podium, Sam already waiting to hear what Fury had to say as he had stormed ahead of us, probably in fear that he would cry if anyone asked if he was alright. I felt that way. "Instead of doing this now, we are doing it with Maximoff. We will meet in Conference Room 3 in an hour. Down that hallway on your left. Hill can show you to your rooms." Fury ordered and I watched as Maria spoke to an agent before leading us down some corridors.

I saw her give me a brief smile before turning to lead the group away from the hub. I caught up to Sam and clapped my hand on his shoulder, deciding not to wallow in my guilt for the time being. "Thank you, Sam." I said and he smiled at me, tears now gone from his eyes.

"Anytime you need me, man." I briefly had a flashback of Bucky.

 _I'm with you till the end of the line, pal._

I smiled and continued walking with him until Hill stopped at a door at the end of a long corridor, placing her thumb on a panel next to a door that looked like it should be the entrance to a storage cupboard. "Only Avengers, me and Fury can access this door. It is a set of dormitories that are for each of you. We created them just in case you needed them and well...here we are."

I smiled at her, but my smile soon turned into a frown when Tony spoke, like it usually did. "Very good, Maria. I can't tell whether I'm angry or impressed that you snuck behind my back, the back of your boss, to work with Fury and his little team of helpers."

She didn't answer and I didn't really expect her too. We all followed her through the door, which led into a long corridor. The walls had door that each had their own symbol, one representing each of us.

"Vision and Wanda - we haven't done rooms for you yet, but there are five spare for you to chose from at the end of this corridor." she informed us and turned around when we met the first few doors. "Fury has informed me that you are to retire to your rooms until 6:30pm where we will meet in Conference Room 3. You can go in each other's room, but make sure that you get to the meeting room at that time. Does everybody understand?" Everybody nodded and Hill politely smiled at us all. I couldn't tell whether it was a real smile or not and it irritated me. "The room's should be self-explanatory." she said and walked towards the exit. I looked around, everyone too fascinated with their rooms to notice me sneak back to the exit and follow Maria.

 **Please remember to review! Thank you for reading :)**


	5. Help

**I know, I'm a horrible human being. I haven't updated in ages and you have no idea how sorry I am. It's just been hectic and my exams are coming up really soon, so I haven't had that much time. Hopefully, you will enjoy this chapter. The next one will be up as soon as I have the time.**

 **WARNING: includes topics on suicide and swear words**

"Maria!" I called out, catching her just as the door was about to close. She turned around quickly, looking slightly surprised from the sudden spark of my voice.

"Yes?" she asked, expectantly, seeming to look a little tired of me. I would be too. I would be tired of all of us by now.

"Um…" I felt embarrassed for stopping her in her tracks now. "Well, I was wondering if there was anyone that…" I had been meaning to talk to someone for a while about how I felt, knowing that someone else should be leading the team. I wasn't a good leader, Pietro had died in the battle because of me. It was too much. I wanted to ask her if there was anyone that would be able to help me, but then I realised that I didn't deserve that help. It's my fault, no one can change that. Maybe if I had just stayed in the ice, stayed dead, the world would be a better place. Perhaps...it would be better if I wasn't part of the team. "I was wondering whether there would be anyone that could take up the role of being leader."

"Is this a roundabout way of giving me your resignation?" she asked, a disappointed look on her face. Damn it, I didn't want to let her down. This was such a difficult situation.

"No, no. Just err...wondering if someone could help out with it all?" I asked, wringing my hands behind my back. I felt myself sweat a little, hoping that she didn't notice how nervous I felt. No one could know about the thoughts in my head. I just felt so...unwanted. I could tell if it was that I wasn't wanted or wasn't needed, maybe both. I just felt that people could do so much better without me here. Maybe Bucky would be better by now if that was the case.

"I could ask Romanoff if you want. Giving Stark more power than he has right now will boost his already inflated ego." she smiled cynically and I nodded.

"Thank you, that would be great." I replied and started to go back through the door, not wanting to bother her anymore.

"Steve?" I turned my head back and saw her eyes soften slightly, looking at me cautiously. "Is there anything else that you wanted to tell me?" she asked, eyes roaming me suspiciously.

"No, that's all. Thank you." I said and quickly shut the door. Was that rude? I felt like that was rude. God, why do I have to be such an ass?

I headed down the corridor again, scanning my thumb against the panel of the door that had my symbol on it and entered, hardly taking any notice of how untouched the room was. Instead, I stripped down and got straight into the shower, washing off all the blood, mine and other people's, and dirt from my skin. Having showers was probably the highlight of a mission, getting rid of all of the evidence from the battle.

I headed into my room and looked for some clothes, finding some khakis and a casual t-shirt to throw over me. I noticed a Captain America shirt and would've smiled if I wasn't in such a foul mood. I just felt so shit about myself. I can't tell anyone that I don't want to be here. They would call me crazy. 'The First Avenger' - why couldn't it just stay as a story? I hate living like this.

I sat down on a chair near the balcony, looking out at the clouds passing by. The helicarrier was so smooth it didn't even feel like we were flying.

I sat there, wondering whether anyone would care if I just jumped out the window. People think I'm indestructible. Jumping from 30 metres and landing directly on my head could kill me just as much as it would any other person. I can control my landings, so I can still jump from that height and decide whether to live or die. I've just decided to live all this time and I think I'm tired of that.

I didn't even realise how quick the time had passed until I glanced at my watch and realised it was already 6:15 pm. I wanted to get there early, I had no idea where the conference room was.

Putting the suicidal thoughts to the back of my mind, labelling them as stupid for the minute in order to get through the rest of the day, I walked out and set off to find the conference room.

On my way, I saw Sam's symbol on his door. Wanting to apologise for the panic attack and most likely crushing his hand, I knocked on the door.

I waited, fingers tapping against my thigh, and hoped that he hadn't gone to someone else's room. I felt guilty enough as it was. I needed him to know that I was sorry, not really getting the proper chance when I couldn't breathe. I sighed slightly when I heard some footsteps come towards the door, crossing my arms over my chest as I waited.

Sam reminded me of Bucky a lot, not really caring about anything, like opening the door shirtless and only in a towel and not giving a shit.

"Hey Steve." he greeted, as I looked at his lack of clothing. I felt back for intruding on his personal space really. I seemed to be doing that a lot today.

"Hi, Sam, sorry for interrupting." I said, looking back up at his face as I tried not to go red with embarrassment. Why couldn't I be more relaxed like Sam? He seemed to have everything sorted in his life.

"It's alright. You wanted to talk to me or something?" he asked, getting some clothes from some of his drawers. I couldn't talk to him whilst he was like this, though.

"Yeah, I did actually. I'll let you get change first, though." I told him and he nodded.

"I'll be back in a minute." he replied, leaving to go to the bathroom. He didn't take long, but I had the chance to look around a little. There were no personal belongings set out, but I hadn't done anything with my stuff either. Fury probably only instructed the minimum amount of stuff to be packed. I leaned against the wall as I waited for Sam's return, thinking over in my head whether I should talk to him about how down I've been feeling. I shook my head - he would probably think I was stupid considering all the benefits I've had from it.

"What is it, man?" Sam asked, walking out of the bathroom in a full set of clothes now. As he passed me to take a seat at his desk, I noticed the way his hands were bruised, looking very fragile. It was from earlier when he had been trying to help me and I squeezed too hard on his wrists. Why can I never seem to find control?

"I wanted to apologise." I said near-whispering as I looked up at him briefly before looking back down at his hands, seeming to not be able to look away. I felt so much guilt for causing that much pain to someone I liked.

"For?" he asked, but I just couldn't stop looking at his hands. "Steve, you don't need to be sorry about that." he said, catching onto why I was apologising. He moved his hands a little, perhaps feeling insecure that I was staring at them. I changed my focus to a spot on the floor. "Hurting me wasn't your fault."

"How can you say that?" I replied, getting angry at myself as I pushed myself off of the wall. "I made you brui-"

"You were panicking." That wasn't an excuse for me to do that. Why couldn't he just tell me that I was a bad person or something like that? I didn't know why I was feeling like this, I felt mad! I groaned and went to the wall, hitting my head against it once. I heard him stand up from his seat at the desk and walk over to me. I may have made a dent in his wall.

"What's going on dude?" he asked, registering that I was a bit out of it. I didn't want him to know the truth, but I also did. I felt so torn, so crazy.

"I just...I...I don't feel in control." I said, sighing as I tried to calm my emotions, but my blood felt like it was on fire. Sam already had a small idea of how I felt a little out of control sometimes, but he was bound to have more questions after this. I don't think I could give him the answers.

"Of what?"

"OF ANYTHING!" I shouted, punching my hand straight through the wall. I immediately felt release from doing it, but could still feel the anger running through me. It would detain it for now. "You should get checked by medical." I told him after a long silence. I stared at the hole in the wall, wondering which Avenger would turn out like that by my doing. I couldn't stay here any longer and wait to find out who would be destroyed next because of me.

"Steve, I don't think it's that ba-"

"Please…" I said, desperately hoping that he would go and make sure he was okay. "It would make me feel better." I glanced up at him, holding myself up with my hands against the wall.

"Okay." he agreed. "I will do after the meeting." I felt so relieved and turned to face him, pulling him into a hug. I made sure not to hold him too tightly. I had become more and more wary of the power I possessed recently.

"Are you sure you aren't that injured after the fight?" I asked, scared that I was hurting him just by hugging him. The one thing that I liked about Sam is that he didn't avoid things, didn't side-step around issues that we faced, but he was respectful and I knew he would wait for me to talk about things in my own time, not that I would talk about my current feelings to him.

He jestfully pushed me away and laughed slightly. "You going soft, Captain?"

I laughed my worries away and made my way towards the door, not wanting to bother him any more than I had. I stopped halfway through the door and turned back to him, looking at his slumped form resting in his chair. Why couldn't I be more like Sam? Why couldn't I be anyone but me? "Thank you." I told him and he nodded at me before I shut the door. I was in the hallway, alone. Alone…

I shook my head, telling myself to stop thinking about it all. It was fine, everything was going to be fine. I decided to walk to Conference Room 3 and maybe look through reports on the mission that had been published online. At least, I did have that in mind until I walked in and found Hill sitting there with a tablet in her hand.

"Oh…" I said automatically as I opened the door. She looked up, a small smile rising on her face as she saw me. "Sorry, I didn't know there would be anyone in here."

"No, don't worry about it." she said, waving her hand a bit. "It's a free country." For now, it is…She gestured to the seat next to her and I went to sit there. I was always quite suspicious of Maria, she never seemed to state what side she was on. I definitely knew she wasn't HYDRA, she had been through enough shit to prove her loyalty to S.H.I.E.L.D. "Why are you here so early?" she enquired as I walked around the table, taking the seat.

"I wanted to take a look at the news, see what has been said about us all." I answered, not expecting her to hand me the tablet from her hands.

"Take a look." she said, getting up out of her chair to seemingly go and get some water from the dispenser. She was halfway through a Google search on 'Avengers battle Sokovia'. I searched through a few articles quickly, noting how all of them seemed to blame Stark for most things, but they also mention how my leadership was questionable and asked I had control over the team and myself, which I didn't. Even the media didn't believe in me anymore. "Most are blaming Stark." she said, sitting down with two cups of water, giving one over to me.

I smiled in thanks and took a sip of the water, forgetting how much my body missed it. I drank the whole thing in one go and put the cup on my side so that she couldn't pick it up and go and get some more for me. "Who do you blame?" I asked her, suddenly feeling the atmosphere switch to quite a dark subject.

She looked the table, her lips pulling into a firm line as she thought for a few seconds. "I don't blame one person necessarily, but I think Stark is a lot to blame. He tried to create Ultron without consulting anyone but Banner, someone who wouldn't go against Tony's wishes. In some ways, I'm glad that Banner has gone. It gives one less distraction for Stark." I wouldn't argue with her, but I couldn't believe she was glad that Banner wasn't with us anymore. Perhaps Stark would recruit Pepper now that Banner was missing. "What about you?" she asked, turning to look at me, and I creased my eyebrows for a second.

"What? Who do I think is to blame?" I asked her to which she nodded. I wouldn't tell her it was me. I would consider us friends, but we weren't that close. "Um….haven't thought about it too much. I'm more worried about Sam's wrists." I added the end bit in the hope that she would move off the subject.

"From when you were panicking you mean?" she asked and I nodded in response, my eyes averting to a spot on the table. "That isn't...it wasn't your fault."

Before she could finish lecturing me about it or ask more questions, Sam came through the door. I was very thankful for that, but still frowned when he came in. Even though we weren't having the most pleasant conversation, I actually enjoyed Maria's company. I felt my face heat up a little at that thought, having not spoken to anyone in a while that I could feel comfortable with, but realised that I still hadn't greeted Sam yet.

"Sam." I said with a smile, hoping that he didn't notice the embarrassed reaction I had when he entered the room.

"Hey." he replied and shut the door, taking a seat opposite us. It was kind of silent and awkward, which didn't help the red disappear on my face. I think it was obvious to Sam that we were talking about something. I could've sworn I sore a slight smile on his face earlier.

"Are your hands feeling better, Wilson?" Maria asked and I looked at her, trying to hold back a scowl. I settled with a grimace as I looked over at Wilson, shrugging.

"What? I was worried!" I said as an excuse and got up to get some more water with the cup that Maria had gotten me. She was kind, in subtle ways, but I didn't really realise it before now. She had to put up with the team's rubbish, which was a lot of rubbish in fact. She was a good person, despite her emotionless reputation.

"Are you feeling okay, though?" she asked Wilson and I looked around, noticing him shrug before drinking all the contents of the cup again. God, I was thirsty. "What am I going to do with you, Wilson?" she said playfully as I filled up the cup again.

"Anything you like, baby." Sam replied with a wink. I briefly looked at the two of them out of the corner of my eye, wondering whether they were or had been an item. Bucky would do this too actually, accidentally end up flirting with the girls that I liked. Not that I did like Maria in that way, but...well...I hadn't really thought about it in that way actually. Anyway, it seemed that every connection I had nowadays was being closed off. They were smiling at each other and I suddenly felt like the odd-one-out.

"It was rhetorical." she replied with a deadpanned tone as I sat back down next to her.

"I know." Sam replied, a smug look on his face. I looked back at Maria who huffed and went back to her tablet. I don't know why I was feeling so odd. I couldn't tell if it was jealousy or anger or something else?

I got distracted as Clint and Natasha walked through the door, Sam asking "How do you two look this good after a battle?"

Natasha winked at Sam. I felt like sometimes I would prefer to have Clint or Sam's lives. It seemed much more interesting than mine, mainly because of the women. People tended to tread on eggshells around me or throw themselves at me. I just wanted someone who's down to earth, but I never found it and I don't think I ever would. So many things in my life just weren't worth living for anymore and that was one of them.

"We always look this good." Clint replied and high-fived Sam as he sat down at the table next to Nat.

Natasha and Maria looked grimly at the two and muttered "Men." with disgust. It was like they had rehearsed it a hundred times.

Tony entered the room and I saw Hill glance at her watch briefly. "Tony, you are actually early for one." she said and I snorted. I felt kind of embarrassed about that too as Stark didn't actually say anything, just sat down at the table like he was waiting for the head teacher to come into the room.

It was silence from then onwards until Pietro entered and I noticed that Fury and Riley, the doctor from earlier on, were hovering outside the door, Riley looking slightly bored with the conversation.

"Leyley glad you are joining us." Stark said as Riley and Fury entered the room. Of course, he has a nickname for her already. I felt sorry for the woman - she had to put up with Pietro as well as the rest of us. I did like Pietro, but he was quite a piece of work.

If her scowl could kill, we would all be dead. "One more nickname and I will be killing everyone in this room." Could she do that? If so, that is very impressive...and worrying.

"Like you would be able to do that" Stark asked as she took a seat next to him, a small smirk on her face as she heard us laughing at her. When people realised that Fury wasn't laughing, the laughter started to die down.

"Is she here to kill us?" Sam asked and I smirked at how he actually seemed serious about it.

"This is Agent Riley Moore, if you didn't already know that." Fury introduced. I don't know whether the others remembered, but I did. I couldn't tell if it was the serum or not, but after it I seemed to remember everyone's names much better. "I believe you were introduced earlier. She is a field agent, but also works as a doctor and medical examiner, which is why she was assigned to Mr. Maximoff after his 'death'. I want her to be part of your team."

I smiled at her, hoping that she would feel welcomed by all of us. I didn't want her to consider us as scary people or ones who would try and take control of her abilities. "Okay, what're your strongest assets?" I asked.

I saw her nervously look at Fury. "Are you sure about this?" she asked quietly, sounding quite nervous.

"Just show them what you can do." he replied, sounding quite bored of her antics. I hope he wasn't forcing her to do something she didn't want to.

She looked back at us, her eyes changing quickly from each person to the next. "Please, please don't freak out." Goodness, she looked so nervous. I wanted to talk to her and say that it was okay if she didn't want to do...whatever she was going to do.

Then it happened, the impossible. "Wooooaaaahhhh…." Rhodey whispered from the side of the room. I completely agreed with his sentiment. Woah.

 **Ooooh, interesting. Tune in next time to find out what power she has. I'm sorry again that this chapter took so long to post. I've had so much work to do recently. There probably won't be another update for a while, but from July onwards, I should be updating much more regularly.**

 **Thank you for reading and please review.**


	6. Repercussions

**Back again, hello! Sorry for the long time between updates. It's so difficult, especially considering that my exams are really close now, but I felt like I should treat you. I might not be able to get a chapter out until after my exams now and I am so sorry if that happens. Thank you for reading :)**

 **Response to review:**

 **xnite05 - Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciate it. Hopefully, this story will make up for not posting in such a long time. ENJOY!**

"What the fuck just happened?" Pietro asked. We were all on the edge of our seats, looking at this woman who was no longer standing there. Had she teleported? And if so, where did she go? Or was this a mistake and she just disappeared in general?

"Language!" I warned Pietro and I heard a woman giggle from somewhere.

"What the hell!" Sam asked, his eyes wide. It was amusing to she him this freaked out. I was a little more used to it, being a person with powers. She clearly had invisibility. We were all looking at her, trying to figure out if there was a glimpse of her body remaining. Nothing.

"Well, she is going to be my new toy." Tony said, smiling, but soon he flinched, his hand going to his head. "OW! Don't do that!" he complained, rubbing the spot on his head. She reappeared next to him, glaring at the billionaire with crossed arms.

"Well don't make me your toy." she said and went to sit back in her seat. I liked her, she had a spine which was good, but she wasn't arrogant. She was a strong woman and I thought she would be good for the team.

"Invisibility? That is the coolest power ever." Pietro said and the girl started to blush, pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her hands. As I thought about her power, I wondered why she was only being introduced to us now. How long had Fury kept her a secret for? Then again, there are many things that Fury keeps secret.

"Thank you." she replied and smiled, but I could see how nervous she was around us. Hopefully, that would change when she got to know us a bit better.

"Fury, how long have you known about this?" I asked, the irritation clear in my voice, but I didn't care. Fury kept too many things from us.

"A while." he replied vaguely. I looked at him and he didn't flinch. That was the problem with me and Fury. We were similar as leaders, knowing what we want, but what we want is usually quite different.

"And how long has that while been?" I asked, hoping that he would give a more specific answer this time.

"Ever since S.H.I.E.L.D rescued her about ten years ago." Rescued? Did that mean that she was captured by someone? Perhaps it was HYDRA. The others talked for a little, but I zoned out, thoughts of Bucky filling my head again and how I could've saved him if I just went back to look for his body.

I did so until Fury caught my attention. "She will tell you about that later. With all that has been going on, we need all of the power people we can get that are trained up." Fury said.

"She's trained?" Wanda asked, saying exactly what was on my mind. I think she was going to be a good asset to the team as well. We were getting new members and I would've been excited to help them train, but I felt so de-motivated and helpless. Erskine was right - the serum makes the bad things worse. Much worse.

"Not completely. She needs help with sharpening her skills and we want to extend her powers if we can."

"You do?" she asked, sounding surprised at his proposition. They obviously hadn't had a discussion previously about her being added to the Avengers. That's probably why they were lurking outside beforehand.

"Yes. We believe that your powers could be stretched more than they already are, making team members and objects invisible." There would be an extra space for when I was no longer leader and she would perfectly fit with the team. She actually reminded me of how shy Banner was in the beginning of it all.

"When is training going to start?" Rhodey asked.

"For the new Avengers, that's Vision, Wanda, Pietro, James, Sam and Riley, it will be at 11 o'clock in the Avengers training room. Romanoff and Rogers will be taking the session." I glanced at where Maria to Fury's side and gave her a small smile, one that she returned quickly before focusing in on the conversation again. I was glad she was aware that I was grateful for suggesting to Fury that it would be me and Romanoff doing the training, not just me. That would mean that if I left, they would still have Romanoff.

"Original Avengers, you will not have any training until next week. Here are your files." he said, handing them out to us all. "Your names have been given to you as requested. Pietro will be known as Quicksilver in the field. We considered the name when you joined us as a suggestion and we thought it was appropriate."

"I wonder why…" Tony joked and everyone chuckled to themselves. He picked up his file and leant back in his chair, skimming over it, partially turning to Fury.

"I like it." he smiled and nodded his head in approval of the name. Fury talked through the nicknames of the others - Scarlet Witch for Wanda, Falcon for Sam, Vision as his own name and Rhodey as War Machine. The undecided one was Riley's name.

"How about Invisible Woman?" Sam suggested. Riley pouted and thought about it.

"I'll think about it…" she said, smiling at Sam's suggestion.

"Good. Now, I'm ordering all of you to go and get some rest. No later than 2200 hours tonight. The time is 1900 hours. You have three hours." Fury instructed.

"Are you really telling us when to go to bed? What are you? Our babysitter?" Tony asked. _Tony definitely needs a babysitter._

Fury glared at him. "Seeing as you can't take care of yourselves most of the time, I am appointing Hill to live in the same quarters as all of you." I looked at Maria and couldn't help a small smile appear on my face. She was nice to have around and made me feel more at ease, having someone in control who knew what was going on.

"Any questions?" Fury asked, the tired tone he added to his voice making him suggest that he didn't want to answer those questions.

"Yeah." Tony said, raising his hand. "Where are we gonna stay? I mean no offence but I doubt that anyone wants to stay in Avengers Tower now. It's going to need a lot of repairs."

"A team is already on it and you won't need to worry about accommodation. We have that planned out. A new building for a new team." Fury replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's not really a new team is it. It's just a team with extra bits added on." Tony interjected and I rolled my eyes. Why did Stark _always_ have to say something snarky?

"Fine. A new building for a team with extra bits added on. It would probably be best if you spoke with Agent Moore about her life before you go to sleep. I do not want you getting to know her when we land tomorrow. Goodnight." he said and left the room immediately, not wanting to deal with us anymore. I felt that to him we were his unwanted children. He certainly acted like that. Hill stepped forward and motioned to the door, looking professional like usual.

"I shall take you to your temporary living quarters." she said formally and we got out of our chairs.

I followed Maria, quickly falling in line next to her as she took us to the living quarters. I noticed her limping slightly, her foot obviously causing her bother from when she impaled it with glass in the tower.

"Hey." I smiled and she glanced up at me, giving a quick small smile before looking back down the corridor. "I just wanted to thank you for suggesting that Romanoff joins me for teaching them." She nodded and I added, "I really appreciate it." We were out of listening distance from the others who were walking quite a bit behind us, but I knew they would be able to see where we were going.

"I know you aren't telling me the whole story, Steve." she told me straight up. I looked at her slowly as we entered another corridor, one with no people in thankfully. She smiled sadly and shrugged. "There's something else isn't there?" she asked and I bit my lip, looking back down at the floor, not answering her question. I didn't want to admit to her that I was messed up, that I had been having way too many thoughts about suicide to count them. It was too much to tell someone in a conversation like this, it was too much to tell someone in any conversation.

"I won't push you to tell me, but talk to Sam or someone." she added, which brought me a little bit of relief. I thought she might pressure me into talking with her about it and I was not comfortable with that. "I know you won't, but I would feel bad if I didn't say anything." she admitted, looking straight towards the end of the corridor and not looking at me again until we reached the end. She opened the door for me, quickly getting there first with a little smirk on her face as if she knew I would've done it for her. I tried not to notice the closeness of our faces as we passed each other, but I felt her breath brush against my neck as I walked past and tried to hold back the shiver that ran through me. It felt so odd.

Riley had seemed to catch up with us now, the others only a little behind. "We already have a room set up if you were worried by the way." Hill said to her as she walked with us.

"Thank you. I am most grateful for your hospitality." she said, sweetly.

"No problem. It was the least we could do for you." I replied. I wanted to make her feel like she had a home here. The Avengers deserved someone new and untainted.

"Well thank you. I appreciate it." she smiled and I smiled back, continuing to walk down the corridor. "So how long have you two been together?" she asked. I almost choked on the air around me. Was she talking about me and Hill?

"Who two?" Maria and I asked at the same time. I looked at her, thinking it was funny that we said it at the same time. She looked unamused though. I kept my face neutral.

"You two." she said. So, she did mean us. I felt my cheeks involuntarily grow hotter as she continued. "You two are together, right?" I hated explaining awkward situations. Things like this made me nervous. I avoided Maria's eye-line that was probably in a glare at something. I didn't know whether to laugh or run.

"We are not together." Hill answered before I could get there, her tone professional and cool like it always was. I was still quite envious of Maria, her ability to keep her cool in various different situations that she seemed to get herself involved with.

"You two seem close." she added, smiling a little. Was she trying to be a trouble-maker? She would be perfect for the Avengers.

"We do?" I asked, genuinely interested. I didn't think me and Hill were that close at all, friends, but nothing special. Not even like my partner relationship with Romanoff. If we had the relationship that Clint and Natasha did, then I would understand as they spend a lot of time together and are extremely close. In fact, even I was suspicious of them being 'just friends'.

"Yeah. Just wondered whether you were or not." she acting a little too innocent to actually seem like her games were innocent. I cleared my throat after it suddenly felt very tight and tried to think about whether Hill was thinking the same thing that I was. I thought she was beautiful, actually. I hadn't considered it before, but she was gorgeous. That didn't matter to me, but I couldn't ignore that factor. Not that it mattered, I had abs, but I didn't consider myself as beautiful or anything to that standard. She wouldn't have been interested in someone like me.

"Anyway, where are we heading to?" Riley asked, sparking up the conversation again after a silence that stretched for far too long.

"Right here." Hill replied, reaching a door at the end of a corridor that had an Avengers symbol on it. "Now, this is brand new, so no messing it up. Clint, Tony, Sam…" she said and swished her straightened hair around so that it fell over her shoulder in such a slick way it looked rehearsed. "I'm talking to you three." How right she was. If anybody was going to destroy the new rooms, it would be those three. The boys all looked up in fake shock.

"Whaaaaat?" Tony said, throwing his hands in the air as Clint and Sam chimed in asking "You can't trust us?" and saying "Like we would ever damage anything", Clint putting his hand on his hand in disbelief.

Rolling her eyes, Hill placed her finger on the scanner explaining to use what it was. "Your fingerprints have all been added to the system. Only you guys, Fury and me can open this door." How many rooms did we have designed for us?

As I entered the living room, I was shocked at the detail. I know Stark liked detail, but he wasn't incorporated in on the project, unless that was another thing he wasn't telling me. There were four large sofas facing each other in a circle surrounding a coffee table, giving a homely vibe to the room. The large windows were at least four metres high and shower the clouds and sea below. Whenever I looked at a high point view of the clouds and sea below, it just made me think of the plane crash. Romanoff said "Where are you going to get a view like this?" during the battle and I was going to say that I had seen too many views like that. It was all too much. I turned my back and followed Maria as she took us through the kitchens and bedrooms, the doors of each room having our symbols imprinted on the door, like the previous set of dormitories.

"Meet in about 15 minutes in the living room." she said and left us to find where we were staying." I watched her walk away, wondering what the next dangerous adventure she was walking off to. My room had a black circular table in it and a couple of chairs surrounding it. My bed had black sheets with a white frame surrounding and supporting it. I saw a frame with the Captain America and huffed a laugh, wondering whose idea it was to put it there. The walls were painted in white the whole way round, the only separation being the floor to ceiling windows that gave a view of outside.

I stared at them for a moment, wondering whether there was an invisible electromagnetic shield that would stop me from falling straight down to the ground or the sea. Whichever one it was, it would definitely kill me.

I looked over at the laptop that was sitting on the desk next to the window and walked over to it, typing ' _Sokovia Battle'_ into the search engine. Hundreds of results came up. There were a few images that I quickly averted my eyes from as some were of dead bodies. One article caught my attention.

 _'EVEN for superpowers, the use of force has unintended consequences. Over the past two decades, America has learned this the hard way. Its military interventions in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya have caused devastating collateral damage. Worse, America often finds itself fighting enemies radicalised or empowered by the blowback from its own interventions. As a result, in recent years it has tried to adopt a less "kinetic" foreign policy, focused on defending a rule-bound international order._

 _The Avengers, a superhero organisation, have encountered many of the same problems. Tony Stark, the billionaire military industrialist and inventor also known as Iron Man, attempted to create an automated international peacekeeping system. His well-meaning efforts led to the horrifying destruction of the Sokovian capital, Novi Grad,_ _after the device generated an artificial intelligence bent on wiping out the human race. The extent of the damages to the city are unknown, but the death count is currently at 103.'_

I frowned at the number on the screen, hoping that there was something we could do for the families of the people that had died. It was unfair that they had to suffer from my doing. I read on.

 _'Superheroes, like most elites, are instinctively hostile to regulation, and Mr Rogers' leeriness is exacerbated by his deep-rooted cultural nationalism. It is hardly surprising that a superhero named Captain America would be allergic to what George Washington called "foreign entanglements". Moreover, Mr Rogers has a point when he argues that the UN is a politicised body that may bicker over granting permission to intervene until it is too late. Rivalry between UN members has paralysed the international community during bloody crises from Bosnia to Syria._

 _The question, however, is whether superheroes or superpowers do better without such constraints. In fact, they do worse. As America learned in Iraq, and as Mr Stark learned in Sokovia, people without procedural oversight are apt to be led disastrously astray by their own biases. Mr Rogers' mistrust of institutions, like that of the leaders who launched the Iraq war, is linked to a hubristic faith in his own moral righteousness: he believes that the world is divided into good guys and bad guys, and that he knows who is who. In real life, nothing is so simple. No one ever has perfect information, different people may have legitimate but conflicting claims to justice, and no one's motives are entirely transparent, even to themselves.'_

The final line was the one that hit me hardest. _'As Captain America should know, this recognition lies at the heart of his country's political philosophy: to paraphrase Madison, "If superheroes were angels, no government would be necessary." The Avengers are no angels and neither is Steve Rogers.'_

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and I quickly minimised the page. I turned round and immediately walked over to open it. "Hi." Maria said, shooting me a small smile. I didn't expect her to turn up here and I immediately had to stop my mind thinking about the sick thoughts going through it.

"Hey, what can I you?" I asked, keeping my hand on the back of the door handle.

She raised her eyebrows a little and asked: "Can I come in, please?". I wasn't expecting that from her. I groaned in my head, realising that this was probably going to be a serious conversation.

I stepped to the side and gestured for her to come in. She smiled as she passed and I got a whiff of something that smelt increase, maybe her perfume? She smelt incredible. "Do you mind?" she asked, pointing to the bed and I shrugged, nodding my head, hoping that the smell of her perfume would leave soon because it was incredible.

"Go ahead." I said and she sat on the edge of the bed, her long legs extended to keep herself from sliding straight off and her hands placed behind her to keep her upright. Now that my head was back on straight, I walked over and leant against the side of my desk, hands perched round the edge of it.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked, hoping that she would ignore the way I've been acting over these past few hours.

"I wanted to talk to you about the battle." she said, tilting her head to the side. _Great, this was going to be an interrogation._

"What about it?" I said, huffing out slightly. I didn't mean to be rude, but I didn't want to talk about. Hill and I had been talking more recently and I knew I could trust her, but I just didn't want to talk to anyone about how I felt.

She gave me a deadpanned look like she knew that I was aware of what she was talking about. "The panic attack, the pressure of being Captain. I know you feel guilty for what happened." And there it was. ' _Guilty_ ' - that's exactly what I was. I felt guilty for letting Pietro die, all of those people, as well as Sam's hands. I felt like a roadblock for people, a waste of space that just got in the way.

"Have you seen what they've been saying?" I asked, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. I knew she was looking at me, but I couldn't seem to meet her gaze. "That I'm not a good leader, that I'm the cause because I can't keep control of my team."

"You know that's not true."

"Isn't it?" I asked, raising my doubt to her apparent certainty. "How can you be so sure? I'm meant to be the leader, I'm meant to be strong, and the death count is 103 and rising."

"103 isn't the worst we've encountered."

"It was 103 too many." I said, raising my voice slightly. it was too many people to die, much more than the number of people that died in DC the day that HYDRA was taken down. The death count may be even more than 103. I hoped it wasn't.

"What about the panic attack? What caused that?" she asked, going into a new line of enquiry. Was it like an...intimate interview? It was strange. It was like she wanted the information for a reason, but in a friendly way as well. I told her regardless, it wasn't like she would tell anyone apart from Fury who I was sure already knew that I felt pressure by being the leader.

"I was just...thinking of everything that was going on. It's too much. I was due for my next one I guess." I answered and looked up at her, quickly changing the subject. I nodded at her foot. "Does it still hurt?" I was fed up of talking about me and my problems. I hated being the centre of attention.

"A little." she said, shrugging, and I could tell that she was lying.

"You shouldn't walk on it if it still hurts." I warned her and she rolled her eyes.

"I've got too much work." she argued and I pushed myself off of the desk with my hands, arms crossing over my front. I felt authoritative and didn't want her putting herself through more pain than she needed.

"Tony says I'm the boss - don't walk on it. At least let me get you some crutches." She stood up to meet my level, though she was much shorter than me and if she was right in front of me, her face would be levelled with my chest area.

"You won't see me dead in crutches." she said having obviously decided that she was definitely not going to be getting them.

"Your stubbornness defeats me." I said, falling back against the desk. She didn't do the same, instead opting to lean against the bed post. My mind eventually drifted back to what had happened in Sokovia, the dead citizens, the blood and the screaming. God, the screaming seemed to never stop.

"I'm so tired, Maria." I told her honestly, shutting my eyes and shaking my head. "I'm tired of this job, this weight on my shoulders. I feel like I have so little control over everything." I went to the balcony door and looked out at the clouds that seemed to be endless. I felt cowardly wanting to end my life, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. I couldn't control my thoughts, but I certainly knew that I wasn't going to tell anyone about them.

"Steve, you have to keep going with it. At least for now." she said from across the room, trying to motivate me into being the leader that the team needed. I was no longer that leader.

"What if I can't?" I asked, feeling disgusted that I sounded so weak and fragile. I used to be strong, but I was no longer that man.

"You will. I believe in you." She was wrong. There was no point believing in a lost cause and I knew that at some point I would break apart whether that be in the next few months, weeks, days or hours. It scared me.

I heard the door shut and I turned around suddenly, watching the empty room before me in silence. There was a small imprint on the bed of where Maria sat, so I went and straightened the bed. I sat on the chair by the desk and focussed out of the room again. Alone.

 **If you are worried about Steve feeling down forever, don't worry. He'll break out of it in a few chapters time. I checked this over and didn't find any mistakes, but please tell me if there are any!**

 **Hopefully, you liked this chapter. If you could leave a review, that would be MARVELous, thank you! :) :) :)**


	7. Introductions

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS STORY! I've actually had quite a lot of fun writing this chapter. I know you are all upset that Steve isn't in a good place right now, but in a few chapters, he should start to get out of it. I feel like Steve's character isn't developed enough in the movies to look at the idea that he is possibly depressed, especially after Erskine mentioned that the serum makes all of his thoughts ten times worse, including the bad ones. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for reading.**

 **Response to reviews:**

 **xnite05 - Oh. My. God. Thank you so much for doing so many reviews. I have been feeling very loved by you this week and you were actually my motivation to make another post as I haven't in so long and I've had exams coming up. I've had to do little chapter sections at the end of each day to make up this chapter after finishing my revision. Honestly, you are such a great reviewer. YOU'RE BRILLIANT SO THANK YOU! I would love to hear your opinions on future chapters and yes, I promise that Steve will get out of this sadness mode that he is stuck in. Poor Stevie :(**

 **Kitty - Thank you so much for reviewing this. Every review brings me a little bit of happiness and gives me the boost to post something, so thank you. I hope you are not disappointed with this chapter.**

 **Previously:**

 **"Steve, you have to keep going with it. At least for now." she said from across the room, trying to motivate me into being the leader that the team needed. I was no longer that leader.**

 **"What if I can't?" I asked, feeling disgusted that I sounded so weak and fragile. I used to be strong, but I was no longer that man.**

 **"You will. I believe in you." She was wrong. There was no point believing in a lost cause and I knew that at some point I would break apart whether that be in the next few months, weeks, days or hours. It scared me.**

 **I heard the door shut and I turned around suddenly, watching the empty room before me in silence. There was a small imprint on the bed of where Maria sat, so I went and straightened the bed. I sat on the chair by the desk and focussed out of the room again. Alone.**

"Everyone settle down please," Hill announced and everyone quietened down. We were all sitting in the living room about to talk with Riley about her abilities and her past. "We are here to talk about Miss Moore's history, so if you could show her some respect as she talks with you." Hill clicked the pen in her hand and poised it on the notepad, indicating to Riley that she was ready to take notes.

The girl seemed nervous to talk and it took a few seconds to actually say anything. "I err…I don't really...know where to start…" she said, rubbing her hands together.

"How about your childhood? What was it like?"

"My childhood. Okay…" she paused the motions she was doing with her hands and pressed them against her thighs. "Well...my parents were called Patrick and Elisa Nicholls. My name was Charlie Rose Nicholls back then. They gave birth to me in a hospital in Manhattan and I grew up in a small school there. I went to college and university and after that…well, there wasn't anything after that…not in education anyway…"

"What happened?" Vision asked. It shocked me that Vision could talk so much like a human even though he was an android.

"You always hear about those missing people that are never found and everyone thinks it's one big mystery, but it's not. It's a tragedy. I was kidnapped by someone on my way to university. They put me in the boot and drove me to the base. When I came to consciousness I was in chains."

My God. She was taken, similar to how Bucky was. I couldn't imagine the torment that she went through because I was given my abilities, my choice. She didn't have one. She represented all the people that I had failed to save.

She shifted in her seat and continued. "They injected me with serums of all different varieties and my body went through so much pain that at one poin…." She trailed off slightly and looked at the ground. "At one point, I felt like giving up. Just finding a way to end my life before the serum did." I imagined that Bucky would've wanted to do that at some point. End his life. Want to end his existence.

"But I was determined that I would make it through. I would scream for days because the serum felt like it was burning through my blood." I could see that she was hiding some information back. I didn't want to push her though, I didn't think any of us did.

"Finally, one of the serum's worked. It felt weird. I went through these stages of fading from invisible to visible and I didn't know how to control it. They would try and teach me, but then torture me if I didn't learn fast enough." she told us. I noticed her bite her lip, tears in her eyes, trying not to break down. I felt a wave of sadness rush over my chest as she told her story and I wanted to go and hug her or do something to help. "I got to grips with the powers, but soon afterwards my facility was broken into by S.H.I.E.L.D." I felt tense. I wanted to relax, but I felt so rigid as she talked about the things that had happened to her.

"They rescued me and tried to get all the information out of them that I could, but I didn't know what the base's organisation was until later when I discovered that it was HYDRA." That was when my eyes shot up to look at her. She also looked at me, noticing me move so quickly. She looked away and carried on talking, but I was so caught up with memories of HYDRA that I didn't really listen to her. She was _exactly_ like Bucky without being contained in the ice. Why didn't I just get to him in time? I could've reached further to grab his hand or leap down and throw him on the train so that I fell. It would've meant that I would be dead or taken in by HYDRA, but who would care about that? Bucky would've survived and not been in the hands of HYDRA. Why wasn't I quicker or smarter to save him? The thought plagued my mind and I knew that it would be too much at some point. It already felt that way.

"Fury told me to keep my power a secret, as the world wasn't ready for me to come out as an enhanced yet. I became a working S.H.I.E.L.D office and field agent. He wiped all my records, change my backstory and moved on with my life as Riley Moore."

The room was silent for a few seconds as we took in her story, most people really upset that HYDRA had caused damage to someone else. Tony spoke up, surprisingly something caring leaving his lips. "We are here if you need us and if you need any counselling or whatever to get over it, then I will pay whatever you need."

"No, I can't allow you do th-"

"I said that we are here for you…" he said. "Well, they are all here for you and then I'm the financial backing for everything." Natasha rolled her eyes, but I just about stopped myself from doing so.

"Does anybody else have any questions for Miss Moore?" Maria asked, but no one said anything "If that's finished then I will leave you in her company." Hill said and stood. She looked as if she were going to leave, but stopped to speak to Riley, explaining how she was going to pose as her assistant to maintain her cover for as long as needed. The woman never took a day off and I felt bad for her. The least she could do was watch a movie with us to take the night off? She started walking away from where we were seated.

"Maria?" I called and she abruptly stopped, slowly turning round to look at me. She had a slightly surprised look on her face, not expecting someone to stop her in her tracks. I probably shouldn't have interrupted her, but she worked herself to the bone and it wasn't healthy. I did too, especially physically, but I was a super soldier.

"Yes?" she asked, sounding a little impatient, but I didn't let it phase me.

"We're watching a movie…" I said, gesturing to the screen with my hand. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, not looking overly impressed with my statement.

"I know," she said, her eyebrows creasing slightly in confusion. I didn't really know what to say to that and paused for a couple of seconds. My lips tried to find a word, but I felt really anxious. Everybody was watching me and I hated it. I looked over at the screen again and clasped my hands together slightly. My palms were a little sweaty and I was feeling slightly hot. I hated it. I hated the attention. I didn't know what to say or do or-

"Do you want to watch it with us?" I felt like praising Tony for getting me out of saying that. Asking her to watch a movie with us was nothing, but I felt so anxious about it and I didn't know why. I felt so much pressure with the team. They were my friends, but I felt like they all had better things to do with their time than being friends with me. Maria's eyes cautiously looked over at the screen.

"I can't," she said, not even looking slightly apologetic about it. Then again, I guess she wasn't apologising. "I need to go over the mission files from Sokovia before I sleep. It'll take half an hour and by that time you'll already have started the film, so it's fine," she replied, stubborn as ever. Maria irritated me sometimes, but she would always understand your point of view, even if she didn't agree with it. She had a spine. In this case, that wasn't a good thing, because she was too obstinate to watch a simple movie with us all.

"Well, why don't we help you quickly now and then you can watch it with us?" I asked, giving her an ultimatum and hoping that she would take it. She smiled slightly at me and I didn't know what to make of it. I heard Tony scoff quietly in the background. I turned to him and he shook his head.

"That sounds like too much effort," Stark complained and lowered himself on the sofa, his feet just reaching the edge of the coffee table. Stubborn child. I shook my head and raised my hand like I was volunteering all over again.

"Well, I'll go then," I said, standing up to walk with her.

"No, I couldn't poss-"

"I must insist. It's unfair for you to miss out." I interrupted, knowing that if I went with her anyway she wouldn't be able to stop me. I could slightly tell that she was tired and wouldn't argue with me. Also, I didn't really want to watch the movie either.

I heard her huff from behind me and mumble "We'll be back in 15 minutes."

I opened the door for her and she replied with a "Thanks, Steve" before her heels started clicking down the corridor. I let the door shut and quickly hurried after her, not wanting to be left behind. I wondered what movie they would be choosing when we got back. Action. Horror. Romance. I didn't like romantic films. They always seemed so fake to me. Perhaps it was because I never had a romantic relationship that lasted longer than five minutes. I hadn't found anyone worth kissing after Peggy. I probably never would.

The word HYDRA made me so angry and Riley talking about it made my blood boil. I would be willing to kill HYDRA over any other person. They took Bucky from me and turned him into a monster - my best friend, my brother, was made into a criminal against his own will. HYDRA were a plague, a disease, that thought that we couldn't be trusted with freedom. They were still out there and I felt so hopeless to stop them. It never seemed to end and I was so tired of it. I couldn't cope with the pressure. I needed to defend everyone and I wasn't good enough for it all, I just wasn't.

"What are you thinking about Rogers?" I didn't notice that I had stopped walking until I heard her voice, so far away that I realised I must've slowed down or she changed her heels for running shoes half way through the corridor somehow. I looked at her feet. She hadn't.

"Nothing," I said and started to catch up to her again.

"HYDRA?" I slowed to a stop for the second time and anxiously looked in her eyes as she stared at me. She was a difficult book to read sometimes. Sarcasm was a clear emotion that you could see on her face, but in that moment she was a mixture of looking serious, smug and bored.

"How did you know?" I asked. She started slowly walking back to me and looked towards the ground.

"It's been in my head since the girl mentioned it and I knew it would undoubtedly be in yours too." Riley's revelation wasn't exactly what I had expected, but I wasn't surprised after I heard the word kidnapped that it was HYDRA's doing. She ended up at S.H.I.E.L.D and I put the story together. HYDRA had infected her, just like Pietro, just like Wanda...just like Bucky.

I looked up at her as she stopped about a metre in front of me. I walked towards the corridor's bannister. There was a large drop below and I felt the sudden urge to jump. I gritted my teeth slightly, trying to force the thought from my head. _Why am I so_ _stupid?_ "Will they ever die?" I asked Maria, hoping that she would distract me from the weird thoughts I was having, thoughts I didn't want to think about.

"You know their motto," she said, joining me at the bannister. It was dark in places on the ground, the beams lining the sides of the helicarrier creating a shadow on the pristine floors of the ground floor. It seemed like we were miles away. I could make out a few people on the ground and a couple walking through the corridors that were below.

I rolled my eyes and looked up at her seriously, replying to her in a deep voice so she would know I was serious. "You know what I mean..."

Her lips opened for a second and she looked at me with...caution? I didn't consider myself scary to the Avengers, but perhaps I was. I thought I was their friends, but perhaps I was just a leader to them. Perhaps all I was to them was Captain America. "I don't know, probably not. There is HYDRA in every corner of the world and we can't quite seem to extinguish it." She placed her hands over the bannister and looked out clouds passing us by. "I have this...haunting feeling that they're always going to be around, lurking just under the radar and then popping up when we least need them too. We'll deal with them, one by one, but I don't think they will ever die out."

I looked at her quickly and her eyes shot to me at the sudden movement. "What can we do about that?"

"Nothing."

"Why not?" I snapped, anger rising in my voice. She took a step away, her heels clicking quickly against the floor as she did and her eyes widening slightly with panic. She was scared of me. I shook my head and rested it against the metal bannister, feeling the cold burn my forehead like a fire, grounding me. I breathed out deeply and tightened my grip on the bar. "Sorry...we'll never stop them and I feel so hopeless about it."

I hung my head and shut my eyes. Why wasn't I still out there fighting? I could be searching for HYDRA right now and I was sitting here doing what? Resting? I wasn't made for rest, I was made for war. I suddenly felt a hand smooth up my back towards my shoulder that made me tense for a second. Her hand rested there and I could feel her thumb running back and forth over my shirt. "You've got to understand that there are some things you can't fight, you can't solve every problem in the world."

I sighed and let her hand stay on my shoulder, partly because it was mildly soothing. "Pietro died."

Her hand slowed for a second before returning to its usual pace. I did feel guilty for Pietro's death. If I was faster, if I wasn't so cowardly, if I had good eyesight and noticed the kid before Clint did, I could've stopped him from dying the first time around and having to go through all of that pain. "He came back to life," she argued, but I knew that wasn't the point.

"Only because of his powers. I look at him, at Wanda and now at Riley and they are only three of the many victims we've failed to save because of HYDRA." Too many. There were too many that we failed to keep from harm and I couldn't save them. I felt like banging my head against the bannister but didn't want Maria to think I was crazy. Something about it made sense in my head and I worried as to why it did. _Why are so many weird thoughts popping into my brain? I feel so messed up at the moment._

"There's nothing we can do about that."

"Well, I should TRY HARDER," I half-shouted, slamming my hands against the bannisters in rage. They twanged slightly from the contact, a ringing sound echoing through the building. I cringed slightly at the sound of it and wound my hand around the metal again.

"You can't put that much pressure on yourself," she told me softly. I noticed that she wasn't touching me anymore. I didn't dare look at her face to see her reaction to my outburst, too worried that she would be disappointed in me for getting so angry. "We are a team, remember? It's all of our responsibilities, but not yours singularly. You don't have to feel that way just because they took Bucky from you."

I looked up her when she mentioned Bucky, not many people spoke about him. I loosened my grip on the bannister and rested my elbows on the bannister, looking down at the slightly lit ground floor that looked so far away. "I know." I was lying to her, but I hated this conversation. Bucky died because of me and fell into the hands of HYDRA. I felt responsible for everyone else who fell into the hands of HYDRA too. It was my job to save them, no matter what Hill or anyone else said.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" she said and I looked up at her confused. I noticed she was staring at the moon that we could only just see, the ceiling nearly cutting it off. "We chose the base we're going to stay in primarily because it isn't near any other civilisation, but I think they structured the height so that the sunsets would be perfect." That made me excited for waking up two mornings away to see the sun rise. I would usually wake up early and go for a run with the sunset, but I would make sure to check out the roof sunset in the morning.

"When did you first visit there?" I asked, wondering how she knew about the sunsets.

"A couple of days ago, but I've stayed for a night already, figured out how the placed works," she replied, rubbing her hands slowly together.

"Are the agents good?" I pondered. I hated snarky people. We didn't want people like Rumlow fighting with us, even if they were on our side. I didn't like disrespectful agents.

"Top of the league. We have some that we think could have some great potential and are at a lower level, but I have a feeling they'll make it."

"I meant are they good people?"

She winced and grimaced slightly. _That isn't a good sign._ "There are a few troublemakers, but I've thoroughly inspected all their background for HYDRA related activity and found nothing."

"Just because you found nothing doesn't mean there is nothing." I hated how gruff and serious I sounded. I didn't mean to be so forward with her. Thankfully, Hill could take it.

"I searched **very** thoroughly," she replied, emphasising the very with her eyebrows as well as her tone. I smiled slightly, thankful that someone was as paranoid as I was. I felt like a lone sheep most of the time, but it was good to know that someone thought the same as I did.

"Do you think there are some future Avengers in the mix?" I needed to know that there would be people there if something happened to the team.

"Hopefully, yes, but they are definitely not up to Barton or Romanoff's standards yet." They would need serious training if they wanted to get up to Romanoff and Barton's standards. Those two were seriously talented and worked hard to get there. I disliked people who felt like they deserved everything just because it was handed to them on a plate.

"The team will help them get there eventually," I said, looking out at the clouds again. You could only just see them, the lights from the outside of the ship lighting them up. The ship's interior was dark because most people were asleep at this time. I hoped that the Sokovians who lost their homes were taken care of well. I'm sure that they were. Fury was a strict leader, but he had compassion. He did have a wife after all. I wondered who she was and whether any of the team knew her.

"Including you," she added, almost like a prompt for me. I didn't respond for a second, realising that I referred to the team in the third person. Usually, I used the first person, but...I didn't. I felt like I was slowly separating away from them. That sounded crazy after only finishing in a battle alongside them a few hours ago, me being the person saying that we should be a team and fight together. Perhaps I had lost the faith I once had in myself. Actually, that's exactly what it felt like. I didn't know who I was and so withdrawn from the leader I was supposed to be. After Pietro dying, Wanda zapping my mind, being vividly reminded of Bucky's death - I felt without purpose somehow.

"Including me," I repeated and tried to act like I hadn't made a mistake. I quickly changed the subject to something else as smoothly as I could. "What's the rest of the facility like?"

She paused for a second, eyeing me suspiciously, but answered; "Spacious, but it's still comfortable. I can't wait to get off this thing." The 'thing' she was referring to was the helicarrier. I didn't mind it. I felt like I was away from my responsibilities in the air after missions had been completed.

"You don't like flying?" I asked and she shrugged slightly making a face that reflected how she was indecisive on the answer.

"I like being close to the ground. I feel so far away from the chaos on a ship and I like being in the action." Maybe and Hill and I weren't so alike after all. I enjoyed extinguishing evil, like she did, but liked the continuous involvement in chaos. I hated the pressure put upon me and I felt like it was never going to stop.

I scoffed, continuing the conversation. "The battle must've been irritating for you."

Her lips drew into a thin line. "I knew where I needed to be." Hill followed her orders, like a good soldier. Hopefully, the tower would give her the ability to do more of what she wanted.

"Fury keep you there?"

She sighed and put on a fake smile. "He gave me strict instructions to stay."

"Well, I'm sure you'll get more freedom at the new base." She nodded in a grateful manner and smiled slightly, looking a little smug about something. I frowned my eyebrows at her and turned my head a little as if to ask why.

She smirked and replied "I spoke to him earlier. Told him that being the Avenger's coordinater was something that would need a lot of my time and I wouldn't be able to work with him anymore."

"That's good." I smiled at her, happy that she was getting something that she wanted. If she didn't want it, it was definitely something that she needed.

"Should we get going?" she asked, a serious look growing on her face. It creeped me out a little that she could suddenly change from Maria Hill to Agent Hill.

"Sure." I asked, trying not to act too disappointed. I was enjoying the conversation we were having. She didn't seem to judge me like some of the others did, especially Tony. I felt relaxed with her and it was an odd feeling that I tried to shake off as I ran up to her, realising that she was already half way down the hallway.

The walk to her office was short and it took an hour or two to look through the files and news reports on Sokovia. She lied about how long it would take. I strongly believe that she did it purposefully, not wanting anyone to join her so that her absence during the film would go unnoticed. I probably would've noticed, but I get paranoid about things like that. We were nearly finished with things when I asked her the question that had been playing on my mind for the past five minutes.

"Why did you not want to join us watching the film?" She looked up at me briefly before typing away on her computer again.

She shrugged. "Social communions aren't really my...thing." That was something I could understand, not wanting to be social with the group either that night. I didn't know where the feeling was coming from, but all I knew was that I wanted to withdraw from being with the group, feeling like a burden to them.

I nodded and continued to sort out some of the HYDRA files on Pietro and Wanda, putting them into an 'Inhuman Assests' file, otherwise known as the IA file. We finished up and started walking towards the bedrooms. There was no one in the living room anymore, JARVIS cleaning up the last remnants of the team's movie night.

"Do you want anything to eat?" We hadn't even had food. I had totally forgotten about that.

"Umm...sure." I said, walking with her into the kitchen. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten to eat. Maybe I didn't need as much food as I thought I did.

"There are some left over pizza slices in here if you want some." I thought about it for a second. Even though I thought my body needed it, did I actually need it? I mean, I knew I needed food to live, but perhaps I did need to cut down. I felt like an animal being so muscley all the time anyway.

"Actually, I'll just have some water. Thanks though." She shrugged and grabbed a couple of slices, beginning to feast on them as we perched ourselves on the stools surrounding the marble island kitchen table. It was only one meal anyway, it's not like I'm skipping out on a week's worth of food.

"Do you ever miss the olden days?" she asked. I'd been asked this question many times before and usually, I'd start to explain something, but that wasn't the answer the person wanted. So, nowadays, I always narrowed down the field.

"In what sense?" I asked, getting up to get the drink I said I would have.

"I mean, the food was different, so you must appreciate not having to eat tasteless stuff like you did in the army, but there's technology now and you must feel like it gets in the way of everything." I took a sip of water and thought about her question, sitting back down next to her.

I hadn't gotten used to it yet. "Yeah, I've gotten used to it." Everything still seemed so foreign to me. Sometimes, I wished that someone would create a time machine so that I would be able to go back to when it was simpler. I know that would re-write history and I felt really selfish for that, but it would mean I would get to see Peggy again and maybe live a life with her.

"Dating isn't as big of an issue as it was in the past." I still didn't understand modern dating and I knew I would never find anyone that I would actually love. I don't think I loved Peggy, but I would've liked to have seen where it went. Even though I was a circus act, in the beginning, I felt like people understood me. I was always going to be alone and Stark would forever annoyingly tease me about how much of a virgin I was.

"And I feel that a lot of people nowadays take things for granted." People didn't appreciate things like they used to. Everything is taken for granted and I feel so out of place. Of course, there are people who do appreciate society and how the world has developed, but I think people don't appreciate life as much.

"Agreed," she replied, taking another bite of pizza, not realising how much attention she had caught from me.

"You get that too? Nobody else seems too," I said, sounding a little too astounded that someone agreed with my opinion. People usually just ignored me, but she seemed to listen. I was Captain America, but to lots of people, I was just an experiment in a suit.

"About the taking things for granted? Yeah. Technology is all anyone thinks about anymore. Stark took it way too far, just like a lot of people. They'll lose themselves because of it," she said, picking up her plate and tossing it in the sink. "Are you going to sleep?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms across her chest.

"Yeah," I replied, quickly gulping down my drink, putting it in the sink and following her as she left the room.

"And how long are you going to sleep for?" That caught me a little by surprise. How long? I could lie and say that I would get seven hours like any normal person would, but I didn't see the point in lying to someone who had no one to tell about my nightmares. I wasn't normal.

I looked at the ground. "Probably...a few hours." I replied, quietly.

"Same," she said, flippantly. "See you tomorrow, Rogers." Before I even realised, her door was shut and I was standing along in the corridor being left with one thought - _did she just admit to having nightmares too?_

 **Thank you very much for reading this chapter. I hope that you enjoyed it. I promise you that Steve will get better soon! I PROMISE JUST KEEP READING! I LOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE YYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUU! :)**

 **By the way, I do get really stressed about exams which is the reason I haven't posted in so long. I'm still keeping up the four stories, because I love them equally. The next update will probably be late June. I know, it's a long time away, but I have exams over the whole of June and I am probably the best person at getting extremely stressed. Yay. :) I thought i owed you a chpater. I think i am going to try and post one on each of my two other stories as well if you guys read them.**

 _ **PLEASE FUEL ME BY LEAVING A REVIEW!**_


	8. Mattering

**Response to reviews:**

 **2lazy2login - thank you very much for the kind review. I'm trying to get out chapter as quickly as I can, but I have four stories on the go, which was my mistake really 😂**

 **xnite05 - I always look forward to reading what you have to say. Thank you so much for leaving such nice comments for me to read! Yeah, I feel super sorry for Steve but his torment will be over soon. Thank you again for each review you do.**

 **Severas22 - yeah, I think I remember! Thank you so much for reviewing the story! Yeah, last one was a bit short and so is this one, but hopefully I'll be writing longer one's soon!**

 **Author's note:**

 **HELLO EVERYONE! I hope you're having a great summer! It's been okay for me so far, but my mum is ill at the minute, so it's been a bit hectic! Anyway, enjoy the chapter! Make sure to read my end notes!**

I couldn't get to sleep for hours. My brain felt so frazzled with all of these different thoughts, Bucky, the deaths in Sokovia, Pietro and surprisingly Hill. The woman seemed different than the others. I didn't like it, because I didn't fully trust her even though I was close with her. I grunted in frustration and rolled myself over on my bed, pushing my head into my pillow. Why was everything so doom and gloom at the minute? I felt like nothing was ever going to stop. I just felt so sad all the time. Maybe it was the serum, but it wasn't like that was going to change anytime soon.

I looked at the clock, noting that it was three am, and decided that there was no point in sitting in my bed. I got out of bed and pulled out my sketchpad and pencils. Sitting at my desk, I closed my eyes and thought about what I wanted to draw. I rarely had moments of peace like that, my art not getting the attention that it should. Images of the buildings and blood and bodies went through my mind, all the people in Sokovia that had suffered...and then I let my pencil loose on the page, drawing all the stuff that was in my head.

The time seemed to fly by, not even realise that hours had gone by when I finally looked up at the time on my phone when my hand started to get tired. It was six am - I had been drawing for hours and hours. I looked back at the page and stared at the bloodied body I had been drawing, something about it not bothering me at all. I felt numb to all the bloodshed and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I quickly slammed the book and went to the shower, quickly turning on the taps and letting the water pour over me.

Once I had showered and dressed, it was 6:45. I was about to leave when I heard the iPad on my desk make a noise. I walked over and quickly read some information Hill wanted me to give to the others, mainly what the facility would be like and how long it would be until we would land. Walking towards the door, I caught myself in the length-ways mirror by the door. I stopped for a second and ignored the tired look that I saw in my eyes, walking out the door and towards the kitchen. My head was swimming with thoughts about Sokovia, the images I had drawn flitting through my mind. It was my fault that all those people had died and all that destruction was made. I should've noticed Tony's plans, I should've been quicker. I wanted to train harder, but I just felt like giving up.

"Steve," Wanda said, greeting me with a nice smile with a poaching pan in her hand. She looked very mundane, her hair slightly messy from the heat and early morning. I put on a smile and sat down next to Sam and Rhodey who were sitting at the table. "Would you like some eggs?" Wanda asked and I nodded.

"I would love some, thank you, Wanda," I replied and smiled at the young Sokovian. "If you need any help, just shout." She shook her head and had a beaming smile on her face.

"I love cooking, I'm sure I'll be fine." I nodded and let her get on with cooking breakfast for us, though part of me still felt bad for not helping. I was drawn away by Sam lightly slapping me on the back and smiling.

"How d'you sleep?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Okay, I guess." I didn't like flying, it made me nervous. It must've been a natural response from the plane crash, a thought that brought a shudder through me. Whenever I was on a plane and it dipped, I would always feel my stomach drop, fearing that we would shoot down towards the ice and I would wake up alone again. it made me scared and I found it very difficult to get more than a few hours sleep on a plane, let alone on land.

Wanda made some excellent poached eggs on toast and when Riley, Clint and Nat entered, they had some too. It was obvious that Wanda was trying to win us over with her cooking, but she didn't need to. There was nothing to prove or apologise for. The whole thing was my fault.

"So, the plan for today," I began to explain as Vision entered. "We should be arriving in half an hour. You can have a little time to settle in and such, your bags should already be in your rooms when you arrive. Our arrival time will be about 7:30. If everyone's comfortable with it, we would really like the start training as soon as possible. Is that alright?" I asked and everyone nodded.

"Good. Hill should be there to tell you where each place is, but you can have a look round yourselves if you want. I haven't even had the chance to go around yet, but apparently, there are people in reception that have offered to take us on tours, so you should be able to find people there."

"There's staff already there?" Sam asked, scraping the plate clean of any yolk that remained.

"There have been for about a week now to make sure everything is up and running. Everything in the rooms is clean and apparently, Pepper has picked out some clothes that she thought would suit you all," I said, remembering the details Hill had written up.

"Isn't she here?" Wanda asked, gesturing with her finger to the structure around her.

"She wakes up very early for...yoga, I think?" I speculated. I looked at Natasha, who nodded at my guess.

"That woman is crazy with everything she manages to fit in with her life," Clint said, going to the coffee machine to get a coffee. I didn't have time for things like that, romances. I screwed up my relationship with Peggy and women only wanted Captain America these days, not me. I felt so out of control that I didn't really know who I was anymore. What was the point of trying again?

"And she has to look after Tony." Sam joked to which everyone laughed.

"So, settle in at 7:30, training at mid-day, small party at 8pm." I added. I was fed up. Stark's party was a stupid idea. The last thing I wanted to do was have a party. I couldn't ignore the deaths of all those people.

"Tony?" Rhodey asked and I nodded, feeling irritated with him wanting to party. Tony was a genius, but he was arrogant and reckless. The events that lead to Ultron show that. I should've kept a better eye on him.

"Who else?!" I frustratedly grabbed an apple from the bowl on the high table and went to leave. "I'll see you at the bay in half an hour. Pack up and get ready to board to your new home." I took a bite out of the apple and left.

I walked alone back to my room after breakfast and immediately began to pack up my stuff. Shirts, trousers, shoes. All in one suitcase.

I was done within five minutes and went straight down to the hangar, wanting not to be disturbed. S.H.I.E.L.D bedrooms always made me feel like I was just an experiment and that was where I was being stored. I could customise my own room in the Avengers Tower, something that would most likely happen with the new one, and it made me feel more comfortable.

I took the elevator down to the hangar and hoped that nobody would enter. Unfortunately, the next floor down, the elevator stopped and two women got in. One had brown hair and was Romanoff's height, whereas the other had blonde hair and was a little taller. Both were wearing S.H.I.E.L.D uniforms and I didn't see them as a threat, the muscle on both being not overly impressive.

I saw them both blush as the hesitated before getting into the elevator. I stepped to the side as they entered and they seemed to keep to the other side of the lift, but I couldn't not notice their eyes on me. I hated the attention I got from my name and powers, I wish there was some way to take it all back.

I don't know what I would've done without the serum. Maybe Peggy and I would've actually worked out as she seemed to like me before the serum got injected. I would sure as hell feel like I fitted in more. I stuck out like a sore thumb wherever I was because I was Captain America. I wasn't even good enough to be the captain of the team.

I didn't even look at the girls get out of the elevator who were giggling nervously at me. One of them whispered as they left; "By Cap'n." I ignored them and look straight ahead, wishing the doors would close faster.

I was no longer the name that my parents had given me, just an army title that was created from a stupid show. The doors opened and I paved out, glad that no one was there when I arrived. I dumped my bag on the side bench and sat down, putting my head in my hands and closing my eyes.

Why did everything feel like it was falling apart around me? Why did life feel so worthless to me? I felt I had no one fighting my corner, like I was in the boxing ring, beaten to the ground, letting my body take the hits of a boxing glove. I just didn't see the point in fighting anymore.

The elevator dinged and James, Pietro and Sam entered. I forced a smile on my face and five minutes later we were deep into a conversation about the Hulk, not that I was paying much attention anyway. As more Avengers entered, I felt myself becoming more and more claustrophobic. Thankfully, the helicarrier soon landed, at seven thirty in the morning precisely, and I was the first to get off besides Tony who pushed his way past everyone to call dibs on the biggest bedroom. I breathed in and out, letting the waves of panic settle down.

I didn't scold him, my brain not having the energy or motivation to tell him to be respectful. I didn't feel like Captain America anymore. If I wasn't the Captain and I wasn't Steve Rogers, who was I?

We entered the Avengers Tower which was at least eight large floors of mainly glass and steel, but I didn't seem to get the overwhelming feeling that the others did. I didn't really care.

As we were walking through the reception area to the elevator, we attracted a lot of attention. Some people were glaring at us, most likely annoyed at the events of Sokovia that were all my fault. Most people were greeting us with smiles as they slowed down their walking pace to look at us for longer, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the people glaring and they couldn't take their eyes off of me. I felt like I did when Sam had to stop that Sokovian woman attacking Romanoff on the helicarrier - weak. It was all my fault. Completely.

We got to the lift and as soon as it opened, Riley hurried in quickly and worried about what the problem was. "Ma'am, are you okay?" I asked.

She smiled sweetly and nodded. "Fine, thank you, Captain. Not really a big fan of...people giving me praise."

I had gotten used to it, but I had never liked it. Stark was the complete opposite and practically bathed in the attention they gave him, but I couldn't stand it, which meant being Captain America was difficult sometimes. Well...all the time. "You'll get used to it," I muttered and roll my shoulders slightly as the elevator began to rise.

We arrived at the top floor, the one specifically for the Avengers. There was a communal living room that reminded me of the old tower, very similar but with a sleeker finish. There were four large sofas, six chairs and a large white coffee table in the centre. It was all positioned next to four extremely large windows that I could see multi-purposed as sliding doors, leading out to a balcony that had some deck chairs on it as well as another sofa.

"This is going to be your communal living room and joint cinema room." Maria said, pushing a button underneath the table that caused it to slowly move into the ground, a television coming up from the side that the windows were on. As well as that, the coaches rotated to make two rows of cinema sofas. This felt like way too much for us. I didn't do anything to deserve all of this.

I didn't even look at the kitchen, knowing that it would be just as expensive as the living room. "Obviously, this can all be changed if you want it to be, but hopefully you will find it satisfactory." Maria said as we followed her. I noticed the slight buckle of her ankle as she walked and made a mental note to check on her later. "I'll leave you to explore the place yourselves, but our bedrooms are down this corridor." she said, gesturing to a corridor on the furthest side of the room."The kitchen can be stocked with whatever food you want most likely within the hour, you can just ask JARVIS. For directions to places that you want to go, like the weapons room, sparring or training rooms and other places around the tower, you can look at the map on the back of your door or, again, just ask JARVIS. Any questions?"

"The kitchen can be stocked with whatever food you want most likely within the hour, you can just ask JARVIS. For directions to places that you want to go, like the weapons room, sparring or training rooms and other places around the tower, you can look at the map on the back of your door or, again, just ask JARVIS. Any questions?"

We all remained silent and the smile on her face showed that she was thankful for that. She looked at me, only for a second, but that smirk made my stomach squirm. Her eyes flitted away from me as quickly as they had landed, but something about that smirk made me feel like it was for me. Obviously, it wasn't.

Just as she was about the take us to our rooms, a familiar woman walked through the door. "Elisa." Nat said with a smile and I remembered that I saw the woman at the welcoming party at the tower.

"Hey Natasha." she said with a sweet smile. Her brown curly was tied up in a high ponytail, highlighting her thin, make-up free face that showed how much of a natural beauty she was. I didn't like that so many women more so much make up nowadays. People were beautiful without it. She was dressed in a similar combat suit to Hill's, but she was much shorter than Hill. "It's nice to meet you all." she said, walking over next to Maria.

"I'll let you introduce yourself, Agent." Hill said and the woman nodded, turning to face us with a small smile. Maria stepped to the side with her hands behind her back and looked at all of us. She looked at me and kept her eyes focused on me for a couple of seconds, caught in an intense lock with each other. I thought back to our last conversation where we talked about the olden days and both practically admitted we both slept little.

The agent started speaking and she broke the eye contact. I immediately looked at the agent, feeling stupid if I kept looking when she wasn't. I realised that my heart was beating fast in my chest and I didn't have an explanation for it. I felt like she was playing some kind of game with me, but what game was it and why did I feel like I was losing?

"My name is Agent Elisa Tannen. I'll be Agent Hill's assistant for the foreseeable future, helping you with any problems you have. Any queries, complaints, appointments you need to arrange, social media questions, etc, need to be addressed by me first. I used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and fought during the battle against HYDRA in DC, so I've had plenty of experience. I'm here for you whether you need someone to talk through your problems with or someone to spar with, anything really. I'll be staying in the same quarters as you, like Maria, so hopefully, I'll be friends with some of you. Also, my office is next to Hill's if you need anything."

She was like a miniature Hill, but seemed to be a little more welcoming. I remembered when I first met Maria and she seemed like an emotionless robot.

"Are you sure you shouldn't be an agent?" Tony question and her smile faltered slightly. She had the title of an agent, but he meant a field agent with us. She didn't let it be down for long, a slight faker smile rising on her features.

"I've had my full fill of being an Agent, thank you Stark." she smiled and Hill gestured to the corridor, seemingly knowing that Elisa didn't want to talk about the issue of her being an agent. There must've been something in her past that she didn't want to talk about.

"Let me take you through to our rooms." Hill smiled, but I felt like every smile she wore was fake. I wondered what her real smile was like.

As predicted, all of the doors had the symbols of each person. The arc reactor for Tony, a green fist for Hulk (when he got back from wherever he was) and a shield for me. I wanted to take it down, but I didn't know how I would convince Tannen or Hill to allow me.

I didn't even listen to what everyone else was saying after Hill said to meet in the living room at 10. I quietly slipped into my room to avoid notice and sighed as I leant my back against the door, not being able to hear any of the others talk anymore. I felt bad for wanting time to myself, but I didn't want to talk to them or anyone.

I saw my suitcase next to me and picked it up, taking it to the wardrobe across the room and began unpacking my clothes into the wardrobe. I liked getting on with tasks I had, which is why I sorted my suitcase out first and then looked around.

I looked at the bed which had a plain white duvet cover on it. Even though I appreciate things Tony did for me, I did not appreciate the red, white and blue colour scheme I had in my last bedroom. This colour scheme was mainly white with a little white, but I couldn't see any blue features of the room.

There was a chest of drawers next to the bedroom that had a small lamp on it. I touched the smooth surface, knowing that it would be a place where I would leave the dog tags that were residing around my neck. They were the only thing I had left. I rolled my eyes at the depressing thought and went to look around the rest of the room.

It was very open, no separation of the living room and bedroom. I could tell whether I liked that or not, but was glad to find that the kitchen and bathroom both had their own rooms. The living room looked very comfortable, the sofa being a softy, sinking type rather than a tough leather that made you feel like you needed to act like a wooden doll. There was a white coffee table in the centre and coasters already placed at specific places on it. Who had worked this hard on such tiny details? I didn't deserve this luxury; too much blood was on my hands.

The bathroom was also very white, the shower having spray coming directly from the ceiling. There were already toiletries in the bathroom which I was thankful for. The kitchen was small but had everything a person would need. Besides, I think Maria wanted us all to eat in the communal kitchen. Looking round, I noticed the balcony by the bed and a slot next to my bed that would hold the shield.

Then, I saw a door that I hadn't opened yet and wondered what else I would need apart from the things I had been given already. Walking up to it, I noticed a note pinned to the door with blue tack.

 _This room is yours to decorate how you wish,_

 _Hill_

 _P.S. If you need any more supplies for this room, don't hesitate to ask_

I didn't know why the note seemed personal, there was probably one in every room, but it did. Hill was such a mystery to me, part of me wanted to find out more and the other part wanted to run as far as I could.

I opened the door hesitantly, not knowing what to expect, and saw a compliment of objects in the centre of the white room as well as a wooden chair. It was art supplies. How did she know? Maybe she had been spying on us more than we thought. The room was small, but it would be a nice space to work. It was too much for her to do though, I would have to talk to her later on about this as well as about her limp. There were canvases, oils, brushes, sketchbooks, pencils. I had no doubt they were top quality. How would I tell her it was too much?

I shut the door to the art room and went to the balcony, opening the door and sitting down on the garden chair there. I watched some of the agents below. Some were doing laps around the field, some were doing some form of yoga and martial art and some were doing strength exercises. It seemed like the camp I used to be at. Why did it not feel like home? Nowhere did.

I knew that Hill would be waiting in the living room early, so after asking JARVIS whether she was alone, him confirming that she was, I went to talk to her. When I arrived in the living room, she glanced up at me from the tablet that she was typing on to see who had interrupted her.

"Steve," she said, nodding at me before turning back to her tablet. I knew that she was now calling me Steve because I had told her off too many times for calling me Captain. I walked to sit next to her and was glad that she didn't seem to be bothered by it.

"How's the ankle?" I asked tentatively, not wanting to piss her off. I knew how dangerous Hill could become if she was angry with someone. I feel like our relationship was similar to the one Natasha and I had when we had first met.

"Fully healed, thank you." Her tone was slightly terse, but I knew she wasn't being rude, at least not intentionally.

"I saw you shifting your weight ealier. Tell me honestly how it is." She halted what she was doing for a second and angled her head right to look at me. She was scowling slightly, but I could tell it was only because she didn't like me being concerned. That part of me would never change.

She sighed in annoyance and looked down at the damaged limb. "It's not giving me too much bother, but I assure you that it's nearly healed," came her smooth response.

"Good," I replied, unsure whether to actually believe her or not. She was disguising her, much like Romanoff. The more I compared the two women, the more I realised how similar they were. Maria seemed to have more heart than Natasha did though.

"How are you doing?" She asked, putting the tablet to one side to give me her full attention.

"Uh...I'm fine?" I said, uncertain. Why would I not be okay? I knew I had problems with the dark thoughts that were infiltrating my mind, but I didn't want to bother her with them. She probably had enough on her plate.

She scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "I'll believe that when I see it." Spies like her were very good at figuring out people's problems, but I didn't want her to know my issues. It was embarrassing. I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to be alone, but that wasn't going to happen any time soon. It was too much.

We sat in silence for a moment before the question I'd been meaning to ask came to my mind. "How did you know?" She looked at me with a puzzled expression, her forehead creasing slightly in a way that made her look innocent. "The art room, how did you know I was passionate about it?"

"A girl has her ways," she said, a mischievous smile on her face as she looked at me teasingly. I gave her a look and she gave in, sighing at me. "Natasha said she found your sketches a few months ago and I was wondering what extension to make to your room." So it wasn't personal... Part of me felt annoyed that it wasn't just me. I wanted to be special to someone, but it seemed like I wasn't.

"What rooms do the others have?" I asked curiously, leaning back against the soft sofa cushions.

"Mainly weapons rooms," she said shrugging, going to pick up her tablet again. Obviously I really wasn't interesting to anybody.

"Why am I not surprised?" I said to myself, which caused her to laugh quietly as she tapped away. I felt like no one really cared about me and what was the point of being alive if that was the case. I wanted to escape.

 **I'm sorry I've taken so long to update, things have been hectic at the minute. My mum has recently been diagnosed with cancer and I'll be working with her to rebuild the connections from her head to her limbs on her left side that are weak at the moment. I'll be travelling back and forth from my old home to my new one and it's all going to be a bit hectic, but I want to fanfiction! I'll have more free time because my exams are finished. I really love Fanfiction, I do. It's so nice to know that people read my work, so thank you for all of your support with my story whether it's just following or favouriting or REVIEWING! Love you all!**

 **I felt like this chapter was a bit weak, but hopefully you guys enjoyed it.** **By the way, Steve's depressed stage will stop in two chapters hopefully? You'll have to wait to see what happens 😉**


	9. The Blame

**This is completely unrelated to this fan fiction, but has anyone heard the new Taylor Swift song. I do like the build up, but the chorus is seriously underwhelming!**

"Avengers..." Fury walked into the living room, all of us sitting there waiting for him to start our 'meeting'. "Let it be clear that I am not here to lead you. I am here to assist and guide you if you need doing so."

Maria stepped forward beside him. "If you need to get through Fury, you can go through me. I have a plan for today if everyone is in agreement," she said, looking around the room. "Steve and I will observe your skills, finding out each person's limits and strengths. Today will be considered as our first day of training. Does everyone agree on this plan?"

Everyone nodded, much to Hill's satisfaction. "Good. The Captain and I will take notes then," she said, giving me a side glance. "If the other current Avengers want to be there, then they can be, but otherwise you can rest or train."

Maria and I lead the group as we made our way towards where the group would train. "Did you move in okay? I didn't ask," Maria said as we walked down the hallway. I briefly took sight of the greens fields agents were training in and the trees that restricted them.

"No problems at all. Almost too much," I replied with a sigh. After I had been in Sokovia, I felt even worse for having such luxuries in life. There was graffiti all over the walls and the conditions the citizens lived in were awful, making me feel guilty for how much I was given just because I was selected to be the famous super soldier of America. Well...one of them.

"You shouldn't feel bad for having this, you know. You deserve it." I deserved it? That's where Hill was wrong. I didn't deserve any of this. There were other people who deserved all of this and more. It was unfair.

"Here we are," Hill announced as she came to a stop outside a door in the corridor. "This room is for your private use. Avengers only. You can invite people in if you wish but at your own risk. If they are irritating and play their music too loud, I will kick their ass out." I nearly laughed at the way her smile was so overly fake. I was starting to believe more and more than she had more of a sense of humour the longer I knew her. She opened the door to the training area and I followed, holding the door open for everyone to enter.

She looked back at me, noticing that I wasn't by her side, and rolled her eyes when she saw me holding the door open for everyone. She walked over just as everybody had finished entering and put her lips next to my ear. My hand automatically went to her hip, almost worried that she was going to fall over at the speed that she came towards me. Everybody else was too interested in looking round the room to notice what she was doing as she put her hand on my shoulder. "Always the gentleman," she said teasingly.

She pulled away slowly, our faces close as she held my gaze. It felt almost dominant, like she was the one in control. Obviously, we were both in control of our actions and which directions our eyes looked in, but in that moment I felt powerless. She smirked and looked away, immediately breaking the spell I was under as soon as she did.

I held back as she explained the room, trying to clear my head. Her eyes were so prominent and I tried to get them out of my head to focus on something else. Was she playing some kind of game with me. Perhaps she was messing with me for some reason. It didn't make me happy. All it did was remind me of how alone I felt. I shook my head and walked towards Hill who was explaining the room, something that I had only just taken into account.

The room was humongous, the ceiling stretching ridiculously high. Because we had entered from the top floor, we were looking down on the room. I could see at the end of the room was a gym that had several punch bags. With me here, they would most likely be gone within a day. There were three boxing rings as well as sparring mats and a large area of black tape that I wasn't sure of the purpose.

"As you can see, you have your own gym, boxing rings and sparring mats. The perimeter is the holographic simulator Stark helped to develop," Maria explained and I ignored the smug look that Stark had on his face. "It gives the user the feeling that they are experiencing the battle. Very effective on the tests that we've done." Hill explained, stepping next to the control panel that was there. "Jungle, city, country, choose whichever you like. The weapons you have, the number of enemies, the type of enemies, the level of difficulty. You can manipulate it as you please."

As she walked through, I saw there was also a raised platform that split the holographic simulator from the mats, rings and the gym. We came to a stop next to it and she shifted her weight onto her left side, placing a hand on her hip as she did. "Now, the order today is Pietro, Wanda, Riley and then Vision. We already have training specs on Sam and Rhodey. So, Pietro..." she said, inclining her head to him. "I want to know how many laps you can do in five minutes. A counter is already set on the walls."

He took off his coat and went to the side of the room. "Ready when you are." And off he went, sprinting round the room to try and see how many laps he would do within five minutes. i watched as blue energy followed his body, admiring it's beautiful nature. I frowned as I realised that there was nothing beautiful about my abilities. I saved some, but not all. Stark had technology to do the job I did now. What was the point of being here if nobody needed me?

"Hey," someone said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I flicked my head to the voice, suddenly noticing that they were standing right next to me. "Are you alright?"

At first I thought Hill had greeted me as she would've been the closest, but it was in fact Natasha who had come to talk to me. I nodded and focused back on the training, watching as the counter increased. 198...199...200...The five minute mark was nearly there.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" she asked in a low voice so that no one would hear us. I felt confused as I looked at her, wondering if she had gained telepathic abilities or something along those lines.

"I'm fine." I looked at the floor and tried not to be phased by her eyes. _'You're a terrible liar.'_ She could see through anyone and everyone knew it.

"Don't even try that with me," she snapped, moving close to me in order to see my face properly. Why she have to be shorter than me? Why did I have to be so tall?

She sighed quietly to herself, but was close enough for me to hear it. "We're partners, friends. You can tell me what the problem is," she said in a much calmer voice. Technically we weren't official partners anymore and her real partner would always be Clint, but we did have that partnership for a small amount of time and it would always stick with me.

I looked at her and she seemed relaxed, but I could see the fuming anger behind her eyes. I sighed and thought I might as well tell her. If anyone, Natasha might be able to understand.

"STOP!" Hill shouted, immediately making my head snap in her direction. Suddenly Pietro had come to a stop next to us and I looked at the results calculated on the tablet Hill had in her hand. Obviously, my conversation with Romanoff was over.

"234 laps. Very impressive," I told him and Pietro grinned at me, evidently proud of his efforts. Pietro was a good warrior, but he could be much better if his anger didn't get the better of him from what I had seen.

"I can hardly do two in that time," Riley joked. Everybody laughed at her joke apart from Maria and I. She was scribbling down notes on her clipboard and I wasn't in a joking mood, my mind thinking about other things.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I realised that I might be able to tell Natasha my problems, but she wouldn't be able to fully understand what was going on in my messed up head. I stayed with Hill as she moved towards Wanda, trying to ignore Natasha's fixed gaze on me.

"Wanda, you're next!" she shouted from beside me, making me flinch a little. The enhanced nodded as she stood next to us.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked, rubbing her palms against her legs with anxiety.

"We know that you can move objects, tear things apart. We want you to fly." There was silence in the gym at Hill's suggestion. She said it as if it were easy as clicking her fingers. Obviously it wasn't and I saw the nervous look Wanda had on her face.

"What?" she asked, looking between Hill and I. She had self-doubt, it was obvious. She didn't believe in the abilities she had and was nervous about whether she would be able to achieve flight. I couldn't imagine all the ideas she had stirring in her mind concerning Wanda's training or everyone's training for that matter.

"Obviously, you wouldn't be able to get their straight away though," I said, hoping my smile reassured her that we weren't pressuring her too much. It was the first day after all. She smiled back, the nervous brushing of hands against her thighs coming to a stop.

"I don't...how am I supposed to try and do that?" I could hear how nervous she was as her hands began to swarm with red whispers of energy, weaving in between each finger with a certain type of elegance.

"My suggestion..." Natasha said from across the room. She was now standing next to Clint, a place that she often resided by. "is that you act as if you are the object that is being propelled off he ground. Or push your powers towards the floor and act as the turbine to a rocket, propelling yourself up."

Hill and I looked at each other, both of us sharing a look that suggested we had no better ideas. Hill shrugged and nodded at Wanda, suggesting that she should try Natasha's theory.

The Sokovian looked sceptical, but still took a couple of steps backwards before positioning her hands by her sides, her energy slowly moving towards the ground.

Wanda and Pietro exchanged glances, the male giving his sister an encouraging smile. Her eyes glowed as she smirked, obviously feeling her powers engage. She slowly rose off of the ground, but only by a couple of centimetres. I smiled, happy that the young woman had managed to complete her first task.

"Sfinte rahat..." Pietro whispered, watching his sister in amazement as she rose towards the ceiling. She rose to a metre before holding herself there, mouth wide open. She gasped as she stared down at the floor.

"Woah..." she said to herself, glancing around at the rest of the group. It reminded me of when I had first come out of the machine that gave me my abilities. I was so excited and shocked and...naïve. I didn't realise that world I'd been reborn into. I didn't fully realise the duty I had given myself at the time.

I heard a click coming from someone's phone and realised Stark was taking a photo of Wanda. "Hashtag new abilities, hashtag day one, hashtag Avengers, hashtag awesome," he said, his phone clicking from his letter entries.

I ignored Tony's antics, focusing back on Wanda who was lowering herself back to the floor. She took a few shaky breaths before she smiled, giggling to herself slightly. "I can levitate," she said excitedly. I smiled at her enthusiasm as she went to hug her brother.

"And hopefully, with practise, you'll be able to do more than just that," I said, placing my hands on my hips. I couldn't get the feeling that I had no purpose here. Hill was practically controlling the session, they didn't need me here.

"I need more strength, build up my muscles," she replied, shaking her arms off to loosen them. "I won't get much better if I'm this weak."

"I can help you with that," Natasha offered. _Great. Another thing I'm not needed for._

"Great," Wanda replied, smiling at Nat's offer of help.

"Right, now for our newbie," Hill said, turning her critical gaze to Riley. She walked over and stood in front of Maria and I, awaiting their instructions.

"We don't know much about your abilities apart from invisibility, but we have a suggestion." Maria walked towards the raised platform and reached behind one side of it, bringing out a black cube that she placed on the floor. "We would like you to make it invisible."

The girl raised an eyebrow as if the task were too easy for her. She walked towards it and sat down, reaching her hands out to perform the task. However, Maria told her to stop before she had the chance to do anything.

"Without touching it," she ordered. Riley furrowed her eyebrows and stubbornly put her hands back to her sides, wanting to prove herself to us. She stared at the object, her eyes narrowing slightly at the challenge.

I watched intently as the edges of the block started to become invisible. We all waited as the girl concentrated, the block slowly consumed into nothingness after about twenty seconds.

I could see how tired she was after using her powers, her breathe loud in my ears even though there was a large distance between us. I could also hear Clint's nails scratching against his hand and Maria's pen quickly jotting against the paper on the clipboard.

"Very good," I praised, giving her a brief smile. Maria kept talking to her and I zoned out, my mind trailing back to the dark thoughts it had earlier that day. I was no use here and when I did get involved, I only made things worse.

Apart from Sam and maybe Nat, I had no close friends. I would never have anyone like Bucky and Peggy didn't remember me for longer than five minutes. Nothing would ever make me happy like they did. What was the point of being here if I wasn't happy?

I mulled over my thoughts over the remainder of the training sessions, chiming in when I needed to with the friendly smile that I always sported. I was tired of that fake smile.

"Learn to trust the partner you are with. You'll be with them...for a long time," I told the group, trying not to get to overwhelmed with thoughts of Bucky. Our time as partners didn't even make it to twenty. There was nothing I could do about that. His time was cut short because of my mistakes.

"You'll be spending weeks working together, which means that you will have to get used to each other. Talking might be a good start," Hill replied with a smirk.

"Unless you want to be boring," Natasha said, Clint chuckling from beside her. As the others laughed, Maria looked over at me. Her face didn't give anything away, but I could see some form of recognition in her eyes.

She turned back to the group and cleared her throat. "Let's take a break for lunch and spend the rest of the day doing what you wish, whether it be training, sparring or getting to know each other. Remember that the private party is tonight before the public party with the whole building tomorrow, so make sure that you find some things to wear."

"Can we turn up in sweats?" Clint asked. Natasha punched his shoulder lightly, Clint backing away in pretend pain with a smile on his face. He shrugged at her as if to say it was a fair question.

Maria just rolled her eyes and smirked at the archer. "Definitely not." Clint gave her a thumbs down with pouted lips but did so jestfully. "Dress smart. You can be sluttier for tonight's party, but tomorrow night's needs to be a little smarter for the photographers that will be there as well as the staff that are here who will undoubtedly post on social media. I know you'll ignore my advice Nat," she said, glancing over to Widow. "But try and keep it on the down low?"

She shrugged with a knowing smile on her face. "Can't promise anything," she said as her and Clint walked out of the room together.

I walked off too, alone, and headed back to my room, thankfully not being noticed by anybody. I just felt so alone. Bucky had gone, Peggy had practically left me. I was completely alone.

I went into the kitchen and picked up the tablet that was at the end of the bench. I went to google and typed in what I needed to know.

'Steve Rogers Sokovia'

The first article came up: **Why Captain Rogers has no control**

I didn't hesitate as I tapped on the link.

 **If last night's events in Sokovia weren't a prime example of the Captain's lack of leadership, we don't know what is. First, the DC incident and now this. The 'Man Out Of Time' may have just run out of luck. Our once beloved hero has now turned into a potential enemy in this day and age.**

 **Perhaps this old man can't keep up with the times and save people rather than recklessly putting them in danger like he seems to be doing? We have spent too many years sympathising with a man that isn't acting in our interests. Is it time for a new leader of the Avengers? Or have his actions gone too far and is it actually time to disband the Avengers all together? They seem to bring more threat to the planet than protection.**

As I read the words, my grip on the tablet got tighter and tighter until I found myself cracking the screen. I felt my anger rising, my breaths becoming more frequent as my eyes followed the words. I screamed in frustration, finally breaking, and threw the tablet against the wall, the metal making a sickening crack as it embedded itself in the plaster, nearly disappearing completely into it. There was an electronic fizz before the tablet silenced, the screen turning blank.

I sighed and sat on one of the chairs, slumping my head in my hands against the table. _God, this was all too much._ I felt my lungs burn as I breathed at an impossible rate, a panic attack imminent.

 _It's all my fault, it's all my fault. If I was a responsible leader, a good person, I would've stopped every incident before it happened. The people that died in Sokovia, that blood is on my hands. I'm responsible._

I tried to stop myself from completely breaking down, but couldn't help it. I desperately cried, feeling as if a hundred bats were fluttering in my chest with no escape. I fell to the floor, one hand reflexively going out to stop me hitting the floor straight away.

I scrambled to the wall and pushed myself against it, my fingers tightly gripping onto the small amount of friction the floor had to offer. I shut my eyes when I felt my vision cloud up and pressed my head to my knees, the tears making wet patches on my trousers.

I tried to sob but the hyperventilating made it impossible to do so. I felt so helpless, so small and without hope. I was a failure.

My whole body was tingling, like ice was running through my veins. I wanted to breathe, but my lungs felt like someone was tightly squeezing them. I felt trapped with no escape, like I would never be able to escape.

"I c-can't..." I whispered to myself as I dug my nails into my head. "...do...this..." I finished between breaths. I repeated it to myself, over and over, as if it were some kind of mantra to me. I guess it was.

I felt like I was being choked and I faintly heard JARVIS' voice, but couldn't figure out what he was saying. I tightly shut my eyes and tried not to feel like all eyes were on me. Even though there was no one around, that's how it felt.

The air being sucked from me, the ground being taken from underneath me. I felt like I had nowhere to go.

Suddenly, I felt someone's hand on mine and flinched, almost panicking more until I opened my eyes. "Oh Steve..." I heard a woman whisper. I immediately knew it was Maria.

"M...Maria?" I asked, feeling like this whole experience wasn't real. The lights above me were so bright and I felt so weak.

"I'm here," she said softly and I felt her cradle me in her neck. I thought it would panic me more, but I slowly felt myself calm down as she stroked through my hair. "I'm here," she repeated, stroking her other hand up and down my back. I felt so confused, so vulnerable. The shaking feeling in my chest was still there, but I felt like Maria was the only thing stable in that moment.

I felt another hand on my arm and saw someone on the other side of my, turning my head to see my favourite redhead by my side. "Heya gorgeous," she said with a small smile, soothingly stroking up and down my arm.

"W-what...what are you..." I said, breathlessly. Nat shushed me and smiled softly again, her thumb stroking over my fingers. She didn't say anything after that.

I felt so weak I could break, like if anybody touched me too hard I would crack into a million little pieces. I rested in Maria's neck and tightly shut my eyes, trying not to let my emotions take a hold of me, but I kept crying. I cried just as much as before, if not more.

I tightly clung to her, my hands gripping onto the material of her shirt so tightly I was surprised it didn't rip. I cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left of me, until my forehead and eyes hurt so much I thought they would explode.

I took one final breath as I felt myself calm down, pushing myself away from Maria's shoulder to show that I would be okay. I gently rested my head against the wall, which I now realised was cold and must've been the freezer door, but Maria still continued to stroke her delicate fingers through my hair. It was a comfort I didn't deserve.

I leaned away from her touch and she pulled her fingers back, placing her hands together in her lap. I focused on that instead of looking into her eyes. It was then that I noticed Nat had left. I didn't even realise she had gone before then.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Such a simple question with the biggest range of answers. I could reply with 'Yeah, I'm perfectly fine' or 'I'm doing okay' with the nod of my head. I didn't know what to say to her, so I just shrugged as a form of reply. "Sorry, that was a stupid question," she added, looking down at the ground.

"It's...fine," I said, hoping that my voice didn't sound as weak as I thought it did. "Where's Natasha?" I asked, wanting to forget about the past...however long it had been and move on, not that Maria would let that happen, but I wanted to try.

"She went to take over leading the group with their training." I shook my head and hit it back against the freezer with a resounding 'thunk'. _Stupid. I completely forgot._ "Don't worry about it. I'm more concerned with you if I'm honest."

I pushed my head forward and looked at her, blinking a couple of times to stop the previous mass of tears from blocking my vision. She looked worried about me and I felt guilty for making her do so. She had bigger things going on that my stupid drama. That's what it was. Stupid. I was getting people involved in my problems and I hated it.

"There's nothing to worry about," I said, pressing my hand on the floor to stand, but immediately falling back down again. The panic attack had really taken all the energy out of me.

"Woah," she said, her arms shooting out to sit me up again. As soon as I felt her hands against the sides of my ribs, I batted them away, not wanting her to help me. I shook my head and groaned, feeling annoyed at myself for being rude. She was just looking out for me.

"Sorry," I muttered and pulled my knees to my chest, watching as she smiled again. Full of sympathy.

"It's fine," she replied, though she sounded put out. "So are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

I sighed and hung my head, not wanting to answer. I didn't have to tell her everything, perhaps just part of it. "I'm just going through...some stuff." That definitely wasn't going to cut it. I mentally slapped myself, knowing that she wasn't going to take that.

I saw her eyes roll as she went to sit with her legs crossed, obviously not going anywhere any time soon. "Some stuff?" she questioned and I nodded solemnly. "Some stuff that involves throwing a tablet at a wall when you read an article you don't like?"

I looked over at the wall to find a huge hole in it, no tablet. The piece of technology was placed upon the table, probably having been removed by either Hill or Romanoff. I huffed again and turned my eyes back to Maria who had been looking at me the whole time, most likely analysing all of my body movements and facial expressions to try and get an idea of how I was feeling or what my problem was. Classic spy.

"I really don't want to talk about it," I said blandly. I didn't completely trust her and even if I did trust someone that much, I wouldn't want to share the thoughts that were running through my head. I didn't want to be alive. Imagine how crazy that would sound to someone who was normal. I wasn't normal thinking like this. I was an outsider.

"Then we don't have to talk about it." Her words surprised me and I raised an eyebrow at them, at her.

"Really?" I asked, feeling like there would be some kind of catch to what she was saying like 'but you have to get a therapist'.

"Of course not. I'm not going to make you talk about it," she said, looking a bit disgusted at the idea of forcing someone to talk about. Maybe someone had pressured her to do the same. That would probably be likely, being a spy. She might've been captured in the past and tortured for information. I tensed at the thought of that happening to her and replied to her.

"Good," I said simply.

"But..." _Oh great, here we go._ "I'm not letting you lead the training session with me either." I wasn't surprised by her suggested, but I did feel like I had let the team down. Again. Part of me was relieved, but part of me was frustrated too.

"Do you think I'm not up to the job?" I asked, slightly incredulously.

"Frankly, no," she answered in a somewhat bland manner. "You need time to rest," she said, placing her hand on my own. I harshly pushed her hand away and she moved herself away from me when I did.

"Get out," I ordered, almost spitting out the words. I was ashamed of myself for doing so. I didn't even need to look at the hurt expression that I knew would be on her face. How could someone not be hurt by the harsh tone of voice I used?

She complied, getting up and leaving after a few seconds. I heard the door shut and exhaled in relief. I shook my head, feeling even more hopeless than before. If anything, Hill confirmed how useless I was. I was pathetic.

 **Look...I promise Steve will be happy. I have a huge story planned and by huge I mean over 50 chapters worth of content to be published. I just need to write it. I have so many ideas and a whole plot put out, just stick with me.**

 **Please review, I am literally begging you. I made sure I amped up the word count this time. They fuel me and I really don't get that many, so my motivation to write gets low if I think that nobody likes my stories, you know? Thank you so much for all of your support!**


	10. The Rooftop

**This is a very heavy chapter. WARNING you right now that this is a suicidal themed chapter, very serious. If you are easily triggered, please skip over this. The last thing I would want to do is hurt any of my readers. Also, this is my take on his thoughts and how he is very confused.**

 **Response to review:**

 **Severas22 - Thank you for the review and the advice! Hope you like this chapter.**

I had no one. The Avengers didn't count as I had to work with them. Peggy, Bucky, the Commandos, Dr. Erskine - gone. I had already accepted that Bucky wasn't returning. I didn't care about my image anymore, Captain America didn't mean anything. It was all fake.

For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to do what was right. I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore. I felt hopeless, trapped, with no way out. I thought I could myself back in, follow orders, serve...it's just not the same. The only organisation I've ever worked for was responsible for Bucky's 'death'. The same one that imprisoned, tortured and dehumanised him for 70 years. Everything I had worked for in the past two years had been a lie.

As I made my way to the elevator, I thought over my past. Jumping off a plane without a parachute, taking off my mask mid-mission...part of me thought that I wanted it. That I wanted an excuse. My reckless behaviour was me tempting fate, the inevitable.

I was meant to be a strong and resilient hero, not this weak failure. I grew up poor and fragile, but that person was lost, taken over by super soldier serums and reputation. I was fighting for nothing. I had never felt so confused. Maybe that's how I ended up here.

It was cold, the concrete edge seeming equally terrifying and comforting. Part of me wanted to cry, another part wanted to scream and another wanted to stand in silence, staring out at the trees that surrounded the compound. I never let the cold in, always being able to deflect it. This time I had given in, letting it consume me in these last few moments.

I had zoned out, ignoring my surroundings as I looked down to the ground. I gasped, focusing on the concrete below me. I was very high up. Even though the serum would allow me to land safely, I knew that I would be able to strategically allow my neck to break if I landed on it correctly.

"Steve." It was Maria. She was shouting at me from across the rooftop. I heard more than one set of footsteps, more than one heartbeat, so she must have been with other people. I tried to focus my mind, but I was a wreck. Tears were pouring down my face and it wasn't the cold air surrounding me that caused me to shake. I was terrified.

"Steve, what the hell are you doing?" That was Clint's voice. Definitely Clint's. I didn't know how many people were behind me, how many people were watching, but I didn't care. I was done.

"I can't do this. I can't..." I couldn't live on pretending my life was okay, but the only thing to do was pretend. I was Captain America, the whole idea of him was fake. I hated this time zone, everything about it was different and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to go back to how it used to be and if that wasn't an option, not existing in any timeline was the only alternative.

"Yes, you can, Steve." Maria again. Listen to me, everything is going to be fi-."

"No, it's not!" I screamed, spinning around on the thin ledge of concrete that I was trying to balance on. I tensed my stomach, refusing to fully break down in front of them. I didn't want them to see me as weak, but...I was pathetic. I was a pathetic, barely human, being that didn't deserve a life. I was selfish.

"Steve…" Maria whispered softly. I hadn't noticed until now that she had broken away from the group. She was only a few metres away now, the others staying closer to the exit door. I looked at her. She was calm and calculated like always. No emotion. She knew that if I fell on my head that I could die. She knew the situation. I let my head hang as I shut my eyes, not wanting her to see how pathetic I was being.

"Look at me," she whispered. I followed her voice, like it was some kind of last hope to me, and looked up. She was worried. I had never seen that look in her eyes before. "What's making you upset? What are you feeling like this?"

I heard someone through the door but I didn't care who it was. I was focused on her. "They forget I'm human. Nothing...there's nothing here to make me happy." I felt like I was slowly being drowned into this hole, quick sand that was making it so hard to breathe. It was like the air in this time was different and I was suffocating. I needed my own time and if I couldn't have that, then I wasn't going to live like this.. What was the point of trying if I had nothing to live for?

I felt like I had been moving in slow motion. Like I had been alone and everything around me was moving so fast. "I just want to go back...to when things were normal. And there's all this pressure because everyone is hovering around me, waiting for me to do something, or say something, or flip out, or mess up, or yell, or cry some more about how upset I am for living in this time." I was speaking so fast now, my words only just comprehensible as they left my shaking lips.

"And I want to say that I'm happy to play my part, I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't...I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to be that person." I took a breath, something that I hadn't done the entire time I had been speaking. I was a performing monkey, playing a part for the crowds and the government and the agencies.

"I don't know who this person is. I'm meant to be Steve Rogers, but he's Captain America. It doesn't...I...How did this happen? How did I end up here?" I was starting to get angry now, I could feel it. The way my shoulders tended and my breathing increased and my muscles flexed. I looked at Hill angrily, searching for answers as the blood boiled in my veins.

"Why am I alone?" I shouted at her, causing her to flinch slightly, but i didn't pay attention to it. It was unfair. Why couldn't my life have been simple? "Everything I've ever cared about is gone. Ruined, dead!"

I was practically screaming, the blood boiling in my veins as the memories flooded through my head. "The commandos, Peggy, Bucky. Dead! They're all dead! I have never been more alone. I have nothing. No one! It's all gone!"

It mattered how I looked and how I acted because it mattered to them. It didn't matter to me, it mattered to _them_. If they didn't like me, then who would? If they didn't accept me, then who would? "You're scared," she said, like it was simple. It was anything but simple.

"I'm not," I replied, my voice gruff and deep. We both knew that I was lying to myself. I was scared, but I also knew what I wanted.

"Yes, you are. I know what you're going through." I started to get angry with her at that point. How could _she_ understand? Everything I ever loved was taken away from me. I had nothing left, nothing to live for.

"N-no, you don't. No one...no one gets it." I groaned and ran a hand through my hair, gripping it slightly as I did. Being rough and pulling it somehow released some tension from my mind. It wouldn't stop me from doing what my mind was set on.

"I do. You have a fear...that you're going to be alone? That you're not good enough and that you have to change yourself, but you don't want to change? I know how it goes...you start believing you are a failure and that no one will accept you. You are not alone." I shook my head. Her words almost floated over me, brushing by my mind. They didn't mean anything. "You're not alone. And we...we accept you. You think you're a failure, don't you?"

I glared at her slightly, the pleading look in her eyes irritating me somewhat. "The serum worked," I spat, highlighting how that area wasn't a failure. I didn't deserve the serum in my veins. I was the failure.

"I'm not talking about the serum, I'm talking about you," she replied, her voice harsher. It was the voice you would expect from the headteacher when you had been called into their office. She was wrong, however. The serum and I were one and we were a disease. "I'm talking about the fact that you wake up every morning and you do good, you don't sit around wasting your life away, you help us. We'd be nothing without you."

"The Avengers can get a new leader," I argued, knowing that it sounded like I was making excuses, but my mind was set.. There was no reason for me to stick around.

"It's not about the Avengers, it's about you. And even if it was about them, do you ever think we'd have a better leader than you? And don't you dare nod Rogers. Don't you dare."

I could see her bottom lip tremble and couldn't decipher whether it was from emotion or the cold harsh wind blowing onto our faces. She was focused on me. I felt like prey caught by a predator. She walked a little closer and I shuffled slightly, my feet getting closer and closer to the edge of the rooftop. For some reason, the thought of falling from that height didn't scare me.

"There are some things in your life that are out of your control that you can't change and you've gotta live with that.. The choice that we have though is to give up or keep going. Are you gonna believe in yourself or in people's judgement of you?" It was a valid point, but most people aren't put under the ice for 70 years. Well...I say most people...I was the only one. Alone.

"Even when I'm off duty, I feel like they're all staring at me, waiting for me to...I don't know, I...I feel like I always need to impress people," I admitted, tears coming to my eyes as I felt my heart tense. It didn't matter that I was telling her these things. She was trying to reason, but my mind was made up. I felt like a performing monkey or something stupid, the act of Captain America that I had to put on.

"But you don't...you don't okay?" I didn't reply. I had nothing more to say. "I really need you to step away from the edge for me Steve..." I shut my eyes, begging for them to just leave me alone to do this. Wet tears fell down my cheeks, running across my face to fall on my clothes. I felt so weak and pathetic. They didn't need to see me like this. I shook my head, not wanting to step away from the ledge I was balanced on. I could very easily let myself go.

"Are you going to finish your life, here, falling off the edge of a building...or are you going to step off the ledge and finish it in battle, being strong and fighting for others, because that's what Steve Rogers would do."

I almost laughed at that, but ended up sniffling from the tears. She didn't know me at all. She didn't know who the real Steve Rogers was, nobody did. "Even though you feel like this is the end, are you not still here? You are still here. With us. With me. You don't have to do this alone."

Silence. It was silent across the rooftop, but my heart was so heavy and loud in my ears. I needed it to stop, I wanted it to stop. My whole life in the century, I had been pretending to be this heroic icon that saved the world, but it was all lies. I was a disgrace. I didn't deserve this.

"No, no, no, NO!" Pepper shouted as I let my body fall backwards, shutting my eyes as the weight felt like it was lifted off my shoulders. I thought of Peggy, the sweet red lips that I only had the fortune of kissing once. She had her life and ultimately I was glad she did. She deserved much more than my selfish heart could give her. She wouldn't have liked the person I had become.

I thought of the commandos, how I lead them to victory back in the war. They would've been ashamed of the person I was too, the Captain who could never live without a war. I would hoped to join them in heaven and beg for their forgiveness.

Lastly...I thought of him. The man that had stood by my side for years until I let him down. I could've moved quicker or put my life in more danger to save him. I wish I had died then. I wouldn't have had to live through the pain of seeing everyone that I cared about die. Bucky was the rogue, winter soldier, his assassin record built up because of me. His suffering because of me. But no more.

My eyes shot open when my entire body jolted, my body being held up by metal arms underneath my armpits. I struggled against them, trying to pry the metal away, but it was useless. I was weak. I sobbed as I pathetically struggled against the machine.

I heard some people shouting, but I blanked them out. It almost felt like my chest was ripping open as I landed onto the roof, a painful ache clasping around my throat. I felt so hopeless, like there was nothing else to live for. Why couldn't they just let me die?

"Because we need you..." someone said. I hadn't realised I had said my question out loud, but someone had obviously heard it. I think the voice was Pepper. I couldn't really tell. I was so confused, my heart and mind pulling at each other. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to sit alone and seclude myself in silence, riding myself of the rest of the world. Another part of me wanted to cry myself to exhaustion, feeling sorry for myself.

I was sobbing now, on my hands and knees. I could feel the rough concrete under my fingertips as I clenched to it, begging for this torment in my mind to stop. I didn't want to be this person anymore. I felt one hand on my shoulder and one on my back, one female and one male. The female hand on my back was more delicate, the motions of her hand going up and down in an attempt to soothe me. The mans was firmly gripped, which helped by grounding me slightly.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus, opening my eyes to see what was going on around me. Maria was the one with her hand on my back and Clint with his hand on my shoulder. Pepper was next to the iron man suit that Tony had obviously suited up in with Rhodes behind him. Wanda was at the back with Vision, worried expression on both of their faces. I stared at Maria, frowning my eyebrows as I felt confused. I don't know what about, but I did feel confused.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her, a sob coming out of me as I said it. I didn't know why I was apologising, perhaps it was because of her being out there to look after me, but I knew I was guilty about something, the feeling strong in my gut. She smiled softly at me and shook her head. I barely noticed her eyes, glazed over with tears.

"Don't worry," she replied and pulled me to her. I stayed, crying into her neck as she held me. "It's okay, it's okay..." Her whispering voice was the only thing I could hear apart from the sound of my own heavy breathing. I didn't even have any thoughts in my mind in that moment. Being saved had made me feel pathetic, but also made me think how reckless I was being. Even if I did jump off the building, S.H.I.E.L.D would most likely bring me back. I was going insane. I felt so desperate and lost, my thoughts scattered all over. I wasn't myself anymore.

I felt my body be picked up under each arm, allowing myself to be dragged across to the elevator, away from the rooftop. I didn't care about the tears falling down my face and the dishevelled way I looked. The cold wind ended and I knew from that and the muted noise around me that we were inside the elevator.

"Steve, I need you to take deep breaths for me, okay?" My mind wasn't focused, my body tired and my face limp. This time it wasn't the fact that I was breathing too fast, I was breathing to slowly. I filled my lungs, allowing my eyes to close as I did. The dizziness in my head was making me spin.

I overheard them all talking, it was the only thing I could focus in on, apart from my breathing pattern.

"His room?" Maria.

"No." Sam. "I looked in on the way up here. It's trashed."

"Mine then." Maria.

"Are you sure?" Clint. "Do you need us there?"

"No." Maria. "We'll be fine."

*ding* Elevator. I felt my heavy body dragged out by Sam and Maria, my vision becoming a little clearer as my tears began to subside. I mumbled to them; "Just...leave me..."

I helped them as they dragged me, my feet finding some stability on the floor. "No chance, Rogers. Let us help you." I didn't bother putting up a fight, following their lead as the took me towards Maria's room. I shut my eyes and instantly regretted it. Flashes of Bucky falling from the train shot through my head. His scream echoed in my ears and I tried so desperately to block it out. My heart panged with guilt and I tugged against the people that were holding me, wanting to get back up to the roof.

"It's okay, buddy, just stay with us." For a second, I thought it was Bucky's voice, the memory in my head merging with the present. I shook my head and came to the realisation that it was actually Sam talking to me. I sobbed at the thought of him not being here, the people holding me slowly placing me down on a soft material. A hand still remained on my shoulder as I shut my eyes, hands going out to grip the mattress I had been positioned to sit on.

"Steve?" I heard Sam ask. I looked at him, slightly crouched in front of me so we were at eye level. "What's going on, man?" I stared into his eyes, seeing the worry there. I had made him feel that way. Unnecessary pain. I felt guilt run through my chest and let whispered apologies escape my lips.

"Don't apologise, Steve. I just want to understand..." I heard running water in the distance, most likely coming from the kitchen of the apartment. It wasn't my apartment. It smelled different. It was actually a relief not to be in my own apartment, surrounded by all the things that made the person I pretended to be.

"I...d-don't want to get hurt..." I told him, only explaining a small portion of the problem with the statement. I didn't want to get hurt, not wanting to let anyone in. "I have...a habit of losing th-the people closest to me." I took a deep breath, trying to calm to pain that was tightening in my chest. "'Losing' is too nice of a word," I added, shaking my head.

I felt Sam squeeze my shoulder again as I shut my eyes tightly, relieving some of the pressure in my chest. "We are never going to hurt you and..." I opening my eyes, watching as he smiled sadly at me. I could see his eyes brimming with tears, thinking about the set of demons that he carried.

"The people you think you've lost are right here," he explained, pressing a finger to my chest. It caught my attention as he pulled his hand away, placing it back onto my shoulder. "Grief...is really just love." He took a shaky breath and continued. "It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that...unspent love gathers in the corners of you eyes, the lump in your, and in that hallow part of your chest," he said, tapping back to the place on my chest. "Grief is just love with no place to go."

His words were the first thing that actually seemed to make sense for a long time. It was just a build up of love that was stuck and I couldn't expel it. His words brought me a little bit of comfort, something that I hadn't had in a long time. I small smile brushed across my lips, staring at him as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

I took in a sharp breath and shook his head, our eyes locked in what felt like equal fear. "I can't..." He bit his lip and looked down to the ground. He breathed in, composing himself to finish his sentence. "I can't lose another partner, Steve." I knew that he was trying to make me feel better, and he had with what he had said about grief, but now I felt guilty for trying to jump. I'd never want to make anyone else feel pain.

"Sam..." Maria said, her voice carrying a small amount of warning to it. I saw her, focusing my gaze on her as Sam stood up, his hand slipping from my shoulder. and went to speak with her. They were talking in hushed tones, just quiet enough so that my hearing couldn't pick up on them. I felt my heartbeat slow slightly, my body slowly returning to how it would usually be.

Sam walked over to me and I noticed the way his hand reached out slightly before he glued it back to his side. "Are you okay to stay with Maria?" I looked to Maria who had moved since I had last seen her. I saw a figure in the dark of the kitchen and assumed it was her. I looked back at Sam.

Maria was simple. She was calculated and unemotive, probably something that I needed. She knew what would be best for me and would make the best decision to help me recover from what had happened. I felt stupid and ashamed, but I had the feeling that she wouldn't judge me for any of it.

I nodded and watched as Sam's lips curved into a small smile before nodding. "Goodnight, Steve," he said, hesitating to leave for a second as he moved away. He sighed reluctantly and headed for the door, sparing a glance at Maria as he did. I heard the door shut and the world drifted into an odd silence. It was just Maria and I.

I looked around the room I was in. The walls were void of paintings, the floor clear of any rubbish or clothing. There were a few small details - there was a photo frame sitting next to her bed or Clint, Natasha, Fury, Coulson and herself. There were a few smaller ones but I couldn't recognise what they were.

"Steve," Maria said, pulling me from my observations. She looked different, her hair tied up into a messy bun. She was wearing pyjama shorts and a vest top. I frowned, not actually remembering what she had looked like on the rooftop. I noticed a blue, shiny material on one of the living room chairs and guessed that it was the gown she had worn. My frown deepened as I remembered that I had ruined everyone's night.

"Is the party going ahead?" I asked, my frown disappearing as I looked at her with curiosity. She looked at me, one eyebrow raised with concern.

"That's the first thing you're going to say?" I nodded and she sighed, putting her hands on her hips. "I think after tonight's events, everybody is going to sleep."

I gritted my teeth a little, angry at myself for ruining what was meant to be a perfect evening. Why did I always have to ruin everything? "Let's not focus on that though..." she said, sounding a little less irritated than before, and sat down next to me on the bed. I looked at her, watching as she folded her legs beneath her. "Do you want to talk about it or sleep?"

Her offer was simple. One choice or the other, but the question felt much more complicated than that. Do I take the easy way or the hard way? I knew I was going to have to talk about it at some point, whether it be Maria, Natasha, Sam or a shrink. I decided to get it all out in one instead.

"I'll talk."

 **Even though suicide is a very serious topic, I think it effects people in different ways. In this, I hope to highlight how Steve didn't actually want to kill himself, but how he is confused in this era and has been neglected in his adaptation to a different time. From this point forward, Steve will get better, don't worry. It's going to be about how he gets out of this depressive side to him.**

 **PLEASE ALL READ:**

 **Dear readers,**

 **I feel so loved by all of you that follow me and be aware that this isn't me saying I'm never writing again, don't worry. This is an apology. Recently, not going to lie here, I have been through a ridiculous amount of shit, including moving into University on my own and coping with being away from my ill mother. I'm constantly worried about her. I promise that I am going to try and update more often.**

 **Posting a chapter on here is a really accomplishing feeling and knowing that people read it is amazing. If you don't review already, please review because it gives me so much motivation to keep writing. Thank you to all 18 of you, because you keep me going at times when I can't keep myself going. Fanfiction is honestly such a big part of my life, so thank you so much for reading my romantic tales that are 100% not realistic, but are 100% enjoyable...hopefully anyway :)**

 **Today, tell someone that you love them, whether it be a family member, a friend or the person you've had a crush on for the past three years (like any of us would have the balls to do that). LOVE YOU ALL!**

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	11. Walls

**LONG CHAPTER, but I felt you deserved it! :) Please remember to review to give me feedback! THANK YOU!**

 **Response to reviews:**

 **teja kinana - Awww, I'm really glad that you enjoy the story! Thank you for the lengthly response of your review, I really appreciate it. Steve and Maria moments are adorable, I agree! THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER! But yet, no, MARVEL don't want this for some INSANE reason! Haha! Enjoy the chapter!**

 **xnite05 - Oh, how loyal you are. I warms my heart to see you review my chapters. It had definitely been quite dark, but it is only going to get better from here. There should be more to do with the public in the next chapter. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING!**

 **Severas22 - Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm really sorry that I haven't updated sooner for you. I'm glad you are happy when I publish though :) Awwww, I'm so touched that you think this is the best CaptainHill fic you've read. Thank you so much!**

"Push all the air out of your lungs and then try and breathe." I don't know how I got into this state again. The first question she asked me was why did I feel the need to kill myself and my body freaked out. Sam had relieved the feelings, but now I was riled up again. "Just like Sam instructed, push the air out of your lungs and breathe in."I was practically hauled into my room, pushed down to sit on my bed. I felt pathetic being manhandled, but Maria was much stronger than I was right now.

I did as she said, but after a while, my breathing started to be uneven again. Everything was too much, too fast, too overwhelming, too sho-

"Wanda, get out!" I heard Maria shout. I tried to open my eyes to see them standing there, but they were fogged by tears.

I couldn't make out half the words she was saying because she was talking so fast and her accent made it difficult to understand her sometimes. I made out the words 'energy', 'fault' and 'twice', but apart from that, I was clueless.

My chest hurt like I was physically in pain, but I knew it was just my emotions. It was funny how the body reacted that way. I felt like I was ripping my muscles apart. I tried to take a breath, but now it felt like a hand was clasped around my windpipe, squeezing tightly to suffocate me.

"Steve!" I heard Maria shout so closely that it panicked me more. My breaths came out as wheezes as she stared at me, eyes slightly wide. "Wanda is going to help okay?"

I shook my head, not knowing what she was on about. Wanda couldn't help me. I was on my own. The thought made my lungs feel so deprived of oxygen that I couldn't breathe! Why couldn't I breathe?

I was panicking, drowning as I was suffocated. "Do it," I only just managed to hear Hill say and suddenly an energy rushed through me.

It started as my feet and worked its way up, almost like it was refreshing the parts of my body. As soon as it got to my chest, I felt immediately relieved.

Her powers soothed the tightness in my throat and when they reached the top of my head, the wall broke. It was as if a switch had been turned off and all the suicidal thoughts in my brain were immediately gone. The part of me with any sense had returned. It was so odd how quickly my senses had changed. It was like she had removed the thoughts completely. A wall had been completely knocked down.

I shut my eyes and immediately my thoughts went to the team. What must they think of me?

Suicide? Why would I want to? There were still people in the world that needed protecting. Yes, most of the feelings I expressed to the others was true, but my body was a tool that could be used to protect people. I would go through any pain, whether it be through gossip magazines or bullets, to protect them.

It was like my life made sense again. Maria and Wanda seemed to be talking but I wasn't listening. I was too focused on how that had been possible. Before, I was so set on committing suicide, but now it was the opposite.

"Steve?" Maria asked nervously. I opened my eyes and saw her biting her lip in anticipation, waiting for me to reply on how I felt.

"Much better," I rasped, my voice coming out breathless. I didn't realise how much energy it took out of me.

"Thank you, Wanda," Hill praised to the girl whom quickly left after a nod of the head. I was a little confused about what happened, but Wanda must've been the reason for it.

"What just happened?" I asked, frowning as I leant my elbows on my knees, pushing my hands through my hair. I crinkled my nose at the sweat I felt as I did.

"Wanda has hit you with her energy twice in the past, even though one of those times it was just to push you away. She guessed there were traces of her negative energy still in your head after what we saw on the roof and she was just telling me how she found a small amount left in your brain." If Wanda could manage to make someone feel that way, she was incredibly powerful. I felt like an entirely different person. "You don't have that suicidal feeling anymore, do you?" She asked, hopeful that Wanda's help worked.

"No," I answered, shaking my head. "I'm fine." I was telling the truth. The suicidal thoughts had completely gone. I couldn't bear to think about the fact that other people felt that way before they would commit suicide. It shocked me.

She scoffed. "Fine? Steve, I know you don't feel suicidal anymore, but I know there was truth in what you said on the rooftop." I shut my eyes and groaned. I felt like I had been attacked from all sides and tiredness weighed heavily on me. What weighed the heaviest though was the thoughts that my team must have.

I ran my hand over my face. "God, the rooftop," I whispered. Half of what happened was a blur, a mix of looking over the edge and looking at Maria.

"You can't change what happened. Luckily, I don't think anyone else saw you apart from the team," she answered, giving me a soft smile to comfort me somehow. It did. She was the only one here and I was grateful that no one had to see any more than the rooftop. I didn't like attention. Obviously, the rest of the team would need to know the truth, but I knew I could rely on Hill for that.

"Good," I sighed, leaning back against my bed. The change between the present and five minutes was monumental, a large weight lifted off my shoulders. I looked at Maria who was staring down at me. I couldn't help but wonder why she was here with me.

"Do you still want to talk or do you want to sleep?" I looked up at her for a second, noting that she didn't look at all tired. Her hair was slightly messy, strands of it had fallen out of her ponytail, but that was likely from carrying me.

"If you want to sleep, you can go," I said, leaning my forearms on the mattress. Sam was right about beds. Everything was too soft these days.

Maria pursed her lips, shaking her head slightly. "I would appreciate it if I could stay here for a few days to make sure you're okay."

"Why?" I asked, trying not to get irritated. I was fine. Why didn't she get it? I could look after myself. Part of my brain knew that that wasn't genuinely true. I had learned to cope on my own for such a long time, the change of centuries teaching me more than anything that everything is temporary.

"Steve..." she sighed, shaking her head and almost smiling from what I could see. "You are one of the most stubborn people I've ever met." Her expression grew slightly more serious with the next words. "You are also the leader of the team."

She knew she didn't need to say any more than that to get her point across. She wanted to make sure I was fit enough for the job. I slumped back against the bed again and stared up at the ceiling. I frowned and realised that I hadn't noticed the mirror right above the bed. Why would I need a mirror above my bed?

"Please let me keep an eye on you, even if it's just for the next two nights." It was almost a plea. We weren't that close, definitely not as close as I was with Nat, but I still cared about her. Perhaps she was more of a friend than I thought.

I couldn't stand to look at the reflection of myself in the mirror anymore and sat up. "Fine," I agreed, knowing that she would get her way anyway. From what I had seen, she was just as stubborn as me. "But you're taking the couch."

"Not a chance, Sir," she said, mimicking a salute as she went to find some blankets. I wasn't surprised when she immediately found one in one of my drawers. She knew the layout well.

"Don't call me that," I sneered in a half-joking way. I didn't like people calling me that unless I was on a mission, especially my friends.

"Okay then, not a chance, ma'am," she retorted, throwing a smirk at me before she walked into the living room. I shook my head and stood up. How was I going to cope with her for two days? She was much cheekier than I first thought she would be.

I thought her and Natasha would be twins, but Natasha used a lot more sarcasm and less emotion than Hill did. Hill seemed more like a normal person. Her and Natasha were twins in the way they refused anaesthetic to treat their wounds, which was just...odd.

I went to my suitcase and opened it, finding a plain shirt to sleep in. I hadn't had time to unpack earlier. I usually only slept in boxers but decided to put on some shorts for Maria's sake.

I went into the bathroom to change, not wanting to risk Maria coming back in to see me naked. Sighing, I looked at the reflection in the mirror.

If I ate rubbish meals for the rest of my life, I would still be in good shape. Obviously, I wouldn't still be in my current shape. I had definitely put on a lot of muscle since being injected with the serum.

My muscles were more defined and there were more of them. Thor and I had spoken about the different parts of our bodies that we bulked up, him having parts that I didn't have and vice versa. It was a shared goal of ours to be as strong as possible.

I changed quickly and waited in the bedroom, not wanting to impose or possibly walk in on her being naked. I immediately tried to burn the image out of my head. God, my head was all over the place. It just felt like one big mess of thoughts.

Before I could think any more on it, she walked in. She was wearing grey trackie bottoms and a thin, loose black top. Her hair was in a messy bun, strands of it down the sides. She obviously didn't care about how it looked and just chucked her hair up with a hairband. She looked sweet. Being careless was a good look for someone who was so stressed.

She stayed in the doorway, her hip pressed against it as she watched me. She crossed her arms over herself and spoke up. "You are too kind."

"I'm...sorry?" I replied, half asking it as a question and half confused about the answer she gave. She smiled, pushing herself off the wall. I felt the bed dip as she sat down opposite me and mimicked my position.

"You need to toughen up," she replied.

"How is any of this to do with the rooftop?" I asked, looking at her peaceful face. Unexpectantly, she shuffled forward so she was closer to me. She slowly reached out her hands and peered up at me. I got what she was trying to do and put my hands out, allowing her gentle fingers to slip into my palms. She was soft, but a little cold.

"I think you need to come to grips with how you feel about yourself," she spoke softly, her voice nearly as quiet as a whisper. We were so close, knees nearly touching as we sat with crossed legs, that she could've whispered and I would have heard her. "By getting your emotions in check, it would not only allow you to appear more confident in the public eye, but you'll be happier with yourself."

That struck a chord with me - happiness. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I felt stuck in this void that had no answer. Perhaps that was why the darkest side of my brain felt the need to die.

I shut my eyes and dipped my head. I was a mess and I had known for a while, at least a couple of years. I was taking orders and knew that I wasn't truly living the life that I wanted, but I also knew that the country needed my real life to be put on hold.

I hadn't felt that freedom in my life since I was a child, not really feeling it then either when I began to get sick and couldn't go out with Bucky some days. It was ironic in a way that I was a symbol of America's freedom yet didn't feel freedom myself.

"Have you spoken about the ice incident with anyone?" she asked, squeezing my hands. I opened my eyes to look up at her again and shrugged.

I shrugged. "I spoke with some professionals about it." I remember how bored I felt in those meetings. I told them my surfacing thoughts, but not the deeper ones prying at the back of my brain. I could never trust the professional counsellor, feeling like she was a woodpecker picking at my brain.

"But I'm guessing you didn't talk about everything?" she asked, raising one of her finely trimmed eyebrows. She guessed correctly. I didn't understand why but her voice seemed different to usual. She would usually be unemotive and serious, but there was a softness to her. Perhaps it was because of what had just happened though.

"Not everything," I admitted and she nodded, pulling her lips together before smoothing them over with her tongue to speak.

"Not the things you said on the roof."

I nodded. "Exactly." She nodded, bottom lip between her teeth as she thought.

"Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back," she said thoughtfully, squeezing my hands softly. I squeezed back gently, knowing that if I did so too hard that I would hurt her. I didn't want to bruise her.

"Who said that?" I asked curiously, thinking it was an interesting and truthful staying.

"Hell knows." She laughed softly and smiled at me. I huffed a laugh, smiling as I looked back at her amused eyes. We were stuck there for a few seconds, just looking at each other, but I noticed how her smile faded slightly. "You just need to start living Rogers."

I sighed and shook my head. I hadn't 'lived' in ages. "And how do I do that?"

She shrugged and pulled her hands away from mine slowly. My hands twitched for a second before I pulled them back into my lap. "We'll work something out," she assured me, smiling softly. "But for now, I think we should sleep," she suggested, standing up from the bed making the pressure push the mattress back up a little.

"I'll see you in the morning then," I said to her, still slightly annoyed that her night was going to be spent on my couch rather than a comfortable bed. "Goodnight, Maria."

She nodded. "Night, Steve," she replied and started moving towards the door, stopping the doorway to turn back and say something. "Remember to come and wake me, for any reason. If you're feeling lonely or have a nightmare, come and get me." I nodded and with a small smile, she left, leaving me alone in the room.

 _God...what a day._ I pulled my hand across my face, dragging my skin slightly. Breathing in deeply, I lay down in my bed. It would be the first night that I spent here. I didn't really feel comfortable yet, but I'm sure that I would after a few days. I pulled the cover over me and stared at the ceiling.

I couldn't believe how possessive Wanda's powers had been over me. I had never felt so low. There was nothing to live for. I never wanted to feel the emotions I had on the roof ever again.

I shut my eyes and turned onto my side. I felt even more exhausted once I was lying down and it didn't take me long to sleep.

 **The next morning**

I jolted awake as I felt a hand on my shoulder, immediately sitting up. "Woah," she said, flinching back to narrowly avoid my fast reaction. I was breathing fast, my eyes immediately scanning everything in the room for threat, but none was found.

Hill used her hand to turn my distracted head to look at her. "Nothing's wrong," she soothed, stroking my cheek and making me concentrate on her. I felt bad for nearly hitting her as I sat up. It probably would've knocked her out.

"What's going on?" I asked, worriedly, wondering why she was waking me instead of waking me up naturally. That was usually the case if JARVIS woke me up. My eyes automatically darted over to where my shield was to make sure it was close.

"I just wondered what you wanted for breakfast?" she asked, eyebrow raised as she stared at me with a bewildered look on her face. She quickly brought her hand away from my cheek and placed it in her lap, but her expression didn't change.

 _Breakfast? She's asking what I want for breakfast?_ In that moment, I realised how panicked I must've seemed. "Um..." I cleared my throat and pushed myself up to sit, taking a moment to actually think about the question she was asking. I'd immediately slipped into Captain America and it took a minute to adjust. I shook my head. "You don't have to make me breakfast, Maria."

She rolled her eyes and stood up, crossing her arms over her chest. All traces of panic had now left, replaced only with annoyance. "Stop being polite, Rogers. I've started cooking fried eggs for myself anyway."

"You really don't nee-"

"It's no bother," she insisted in a tone that seemed more irritated than before. I decided to just agree with her demands.

"I'll have three then." She then nodded and immediately left me in the bedroom alone. Why was she being so nice to me? And why was she staying with me? Surely she had more important things to be doing? Paranoia started to fill my head. What _was_ she doing here? We weren't that close.

I pulled a new set of clothes on, opting for some grey track joggers and kept on my black shirt, knowing that I wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon. I looked at the clock and noticed it was 8 am. I had slept in late.

Before I went into the kitchen, I opened the curtains, looking out at the green fields and sunrise that was only just over the treeline. Light filled the room and only then did I take in how empty it was. My belongings would still be in the bags by the door.

I looked towards the door, knowing that Hill would be in the kitchen cooking breakfast. Why was she in there cooking breakfast though? Who knew...but I was going to find out.

Opening the door, I was hit with the delightful smell of eggs. Eggs became my favourite thing to eat once I could afford them. They were a privilege when I was a kid. She was listening to the radio, music coming out of it that I wasn't up to date with or hadn't heard before.

I walked into the kitchen as saw her swaying slightly next to the cooker. She was already dressed in her usual formal attire that I had been used to seeing her wear around the Avengers Tower. It clung to her like a second skin and I focused directly on her head, not wanting to get distracted by the rest of her body. It was a distraction. A very curvy distraction.

I frowned and shook my head, pushing the thoughts away as I walked towards her. "Can I ask you something?" I asked, obviously catching her off guard by the way she tensed, her grip on the frying pan tightening slightly as if to use it as a weapon. She didn't even look my way, continuing to cook the eggs.

"What is it?" she asked, flipping one of the eggs over in the pan.

"Why are you here?"

She looked briefly at me, probably to analyse my expression. I wasn't giving anything away, at least I didn't think I was. "I told you, I'm looking after you." I didn't move as my frown deepened, suspicious of whether she was actually telling the truth or not. I was 90% sure she was with me for some other reason. Natasha or Sam would be here if a friend needed to be here as I was closer to them. She looked back at me again after the room was silent for more than a few seconds. "It's no bother," she replied with a shrug and turned back to the pan.

"I'm not an idiot. You're not Sam, but you're meant to be a friend. You can at least be honest with me." She completely stopped cooking for a moment and I noticed how her cheek had lifted as her lips formed a small pout. She sighed and scooped two fried eggs onto a plate and switched the hob off, most likely waiting until the conversation was finished to continue with them. She turned to me, arms crossed over her chest, but still fixed her gaze on the floor.

"I need the Avengers to remained focused as the merge as a team. Fury thought it would be best if you stayed with someone that you knew that wasn't an Avenger." Fury's plan was solid. He didn't want me to get too emotionally attached to the person that was looking after me as it would make me dependent on them. Maria and I weren't as close as me and Natasha. I couldn't tell if it was Maria's fault or my own. Perhaps it was a mix of both.

"So you're here under command," I replied, phrasing it more as a statement than a question as we both knew it to be true. Telling me the truth would've made me feel better. Why didn't she tell me?

"Yes," she answered. I scoffed and turned away, wondering how on Earth she thought this was okay. I didn't get angry often, but he took a friend and made them babysit me without informing me. It was unfair. "But don't think that doesn't make a friend."

"Like I could trust you," I spat back at her as I walked away. Noticing my suitcase by the front door, I walked towards it and grabbed it roughly by the handle.

"Steve, I-"

"Save it," I cut her off, heading directly for the bedroom door. I was fed up with her if that weren't obvious. Part of me wanted to make it obvious. I was annoyed with how every person in my life seemed to be looking out for me as part of a mission. Natasha, Sharon and now Maria. It just seemed constant.

I practically felt the vibrations through the floor as I slammed the door into its frame. I winced as I heard the wood splinter, but wasn't surprised when it did. I had done it before.

I went to the window, knowing that it could help calm me down seeing as I wasn't allowed out to go to the gym. The large fields reminded me of the countryside and a time of fewer buildings. I think so many buildings was one of the main things that shocked me when I woke up.

 _How could she lie to me like that?_ I guess it was her job, but I thought she genuinely cared about my wellbeing. I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as I did. _Why didn't she just tell me the truth? I would've felt better that way instead of finding out I was a mission for her._

Then again, Fury never gives much of a choice with those types of things. She still should've mentioned it.

There was a soft knock at the door. I didn't turn my head, only muttered "enter" as I continued to look out the window. I heard her open the door and shut it. She was waiting at the entrance. Maybe she was waiting for me to turn around? I didn't.

"There's something you need to understand," I began, wanting to get the first word in before she gave any kind of excuses. I got to my feet, still not turning around. "People have lied to me my whole life. S.H.I.E.L.D, Fury, even Natasha. I refuse to have lies in my life."

Silence filled the room after I spoke, a tension building it's way up through my body making my muscles clench. I heard her soft footsteps make their way over and I tilted my head to the side to look at her as she joined me by the window. I let her.

She didn't look sorry, only frustrated and almost regretful. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth and her head tilted down. She nodded lightly and kept her gaze on the floor.

"I understand," she replied, her voice quiet and croaky sounding like her emotions were eating her up.

"Good." I didn't mean to be so snappy with her, but I wasn't in the mood to be kind.

"It won't happen again," she said in a softer voice. I noticed her head turn and I automatically looked straight at her, our eyes caught with each other.

Her eyes almost looked tearful and I had never seen her look so emotional. Hill wasn't just an agent, she was a friend, and part of me wanted to ask if she was okay, but I didn't want to overstep a line that she might deem unprofessional.

She quickly snapped her eyes away, blinking slightly as she walked towards the door. I debated whether to stop her or not, but the words were leaving my lips before I could help it. "Wait," I called and she immediately turned around to face me, a questioning look on her face. She almost looked worried.

"Yes?" She promoted, her eyebrows raised slightly as she spoke. Her voice sounded flat and it made me even more curious. There were a few seconds of silence before I asked her the question. It was just a simple question, but if her body language was telling me anything, it was that something was definitely bothering her.

"What's going on?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest as I took a step towards her. I didn't want to look too overbearing, but I was worried about her.

"What do you mean?" She replied, eyebrows furrowed in a frown but not so far to be confused by my question. There was something wrong and we both knew it.

"I may be ninety but I'm not stupid," I replied, turning my head to the side as I took another step, a metre away from where she was standing. "You can talk to me, you know..." I added a little softer. I hoped that I hadn't been too harsh on her that she couldn't confide in me. I was meant to be Steve Rogers as well as the Captain.

Her eyes went to the floor and I heard a small sigh leave her lips. If my vision wasn't as clear as it was, I may not have noticed the slight tremble of her lower lip that she vanquished as she bit it. But I did notice it. Something was definitely wrong.

She looked up at me, her gaze suddenly like a stone at it hit mine. Her hands were clenched and her jaw tight. In that moment, I realised how much she looked like me when I was upset or angry, trying to store it all in so I didn't explode.

"My father...died in Sokovia."

 **I know I don't update as much as you deserve, but times are tough and I try my hardest. Hopefully, you can give me a review? Thank you muchly! x**


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